Thursday, June 1, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NBA Finals Instant Reaction: Game 1

Here are 10 Things I think I think after watching the Golden State Warriors 113-91 victory over the LeBron James Cavaliers:

10) Before everyone goes crowing the Golden State Warriors asses after their 113-91 victory, please keep in mind that it was only a year ago the Warriors were up 2-0, and then 3-1, before losing the 2016 NBA Finals in seven games. 

9) With that said; if the Cavs are going to turn the ball over 20 times while only forcing 4 turnovers, then this series is going to be shorter than my last stint at alcoholic anonymous. 

8) Can someone please get Klay Thompson's jump shot on a milk carton or something? 3-16 from the field and 0-5 from 3-point land? Are you for real? I mean this is a guy who once beat Steph Curry in a 3-point contest, and now he can't make a shot? How does that happen? Klay, please join the party. All NBA fans want to see you setting fires to nets, not building houses with all your bricks. 

7) I know they lost, but LeBron James is hella great at basketball. 

6) I know it is easy to say because they won, but Kevin Durant is hella great at the game of basketball. 

5) Seriously, watching LeBron and Kevin Durant, the two best basketball players on the face of the Earth, go back and forth  in the first half -- I think LeBron had like 18-10 while KD put up 23 points -- is everything I have ever wanted to watch in an NBA Finals game. Honestly, I am just sad LeBron could not keep it up in the second half, because the table was set for an all-time historic showdown. Luckily, we still have at least three more chances to see these two kings square off while playing basketball better than just about anyone else who has ever lived. 

4) Does anyone else remember the last two years when all the talk was how Steph Curry looked tired, or how he was getting beaten up and wore down by the Cavs defense? Yea, that is not going to be an issue in 2017. Not with the worlds greatest sniper -- Sniper Jones, aka Kevin Durant -- making it impossible for the Cavs to focus in on Curry. The Cavs are literally damned if they do, and damned if they don't when it comes to trying to guard the KD-Steph combination.

3) Speaking of the Warriors offense, do you want to hear something truly scary? The Warriors only had two players (KD and Steph) score more than 10 points and yet they still won an NBA Finals game against LeBron freaking James by 22 points. Yikes!!!

2) Before we finish this article, I want to once again caution every single writer/hot take maker/ journalist covering this series to please remember the golden rules of NBA basketball when talking about Game 1 tomorrow: 

  1. You do not want to overreact to one game. This is the NBA Playoffs, teams almost always bounce back and player better in a seven game series after a loss. So do not hang to much weight on one game just because it is the latest and greatest thing to happen.
  2. And secondly, never, not even if there is a fire, count out King James. When he is on the court his team is never completely dead. He taught us that in 2016 when he brought the Cavs back from down 3-1 to win the 2016 NBA Finals. 

1) Okay, now that I have made it perfectly clear that we should not overreact to the Warriors 113-91 Game 1 victory in the 2017 NBA Finals; I would like to take this time to change my prediction of LeBron in seven, to Warriors in four. 

Break out the brooms ladies and gentlemen, because we are about to get the first ever "Fo-Fo-Fo-Four" NBA Championship. And to be honest, I can't wait to watch the history take place.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

The 10 Greatest Kobe Bryant Facts Ever

Since tonight -- April 13th, 2016 -- is going to be the last NBA basketball game Kobe "The Black Mamba" Bryant is ever going to play; The Informer thought now would be the perfect time to share with the world his Top 10 All-Time Kobe Bryant facts.
So without any further, let's talk about the Mamba.
10A. Kobe scored at least 60 points on five different occasions, including one game where he scored 62 points in three quarters against the Dallas Mavericks.
10B. Also, just for the sake of being factually correct, the only other player in NBA history to have more 60 point games than the Mamba is Wilt Chamberlain; who had 32 such games.

10C. Finally, since we are being factually correct, it should be noted that during his 62-points in three quarters game, the Dallas Mavericks as a team scored 61 points. That is right, Kobe Bryant single handedly out scored an entire NBA team. 
9. Kobe scored 50+ points on 24 different occasions. To put Kobe's scoring in perspective; that is more than Steph Curry, LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird combined.
8A. Kobe was the first player in NBA history with 30,000 points and 6,000 rebounds.
8B. It should also be noted that he is currently 3rd all-time on the NBA career scoring list behind only Karl Malone and Kareem Abdul Jabar.
8C. Oh and don't forget, his 81 points in a single game against the Toronto Raptors in January of 2006, is the most points scored by any NBA player not named Wilt in the history of basketball.
7. Kobe once led the Lakers to the playoffs despite the fact that Kwame Brown was his starting center. The Informer is not making this fact up. There is video evidence on the internet and everything.
6. He was drafted by the Charlotte Hornets with the 13th overall pick, and was then traded to the Lakers for the one and only Vlade Divac.
5. Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself "The Black Mamba". I mean seriously: How awesome do you have to be to give yourself your own nickname and then have the rest of the world not only accept it, but love it?
2A. Kobe is one of only three players in NBA history to average at least 40 points per game for an entire month. In case you were wondering; he accomplished this feat four different times.
2B. Speaking of 40 point games: Did you know that Kobe scored at least 40 points against every single NBA team at least one time in his career?

And finally, The Informer's favorite Kobe fact of all-time is . . .
1. During the 2005-06 season Kobe joined Michael Jordan, Wilt and Rick Barry as the only players in NBA history to average at least 35 points per game for an entire season.
Honestly, there is no other way to say it other than: "Kobe Bryant is, was, and always will be 'The Mamba'.
#ThankYouMamba #GOAT!!!

Saturday, April 29, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Draft & NBA Playoffs Mailbag

As always, please keep in mind all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q: Mr. Informer, what are your 2017 NFL Draft Thoughts?

To steal a gimmick from the great Peter King, here are 10 things I think about the 2017 NFL Draft. 
  1. I liked the Browns draft.
  2. In fact, at this point, I like everyone’s draft – including the Chicago Bears -- because until we see these guys play on Sunday’s; no one knows who is going to be a bust and who is going to be the next Tom Brady. This means, that  as long as every team drafted the guys they wanted (and judging by the number of GM's who drafted every player at the top of their draft board I would say they did), then they had a successful draft.
  3. What did the Kansas City Chiefs say when the house fell on them? “Get off me Mahomes.” #GetIt #BadInformerJokes
  4. If I were an NFL GM one of my draft rules would most definitely be: "Anytime a guy dedicates his life to greatness on his grandmother's deathbed --I am drafting said guy."
  5. Why did the Green Bay Packers not draft that tight end from Miami? Wouldn’t he have been a perfect fit for Aaron Rodgers? And why did the Tennessee Titans not draft that tight end from Alabama? Wouldn't he have been a perfect fit for Marcus Mariota?
  6. I am setting the over under at 2.5 quarters into the first pre-season game before the "National Media" starts proclaiming T.J. Watt to be the 2017 NFL MVP.
  7. I guess the old saying is true: "You can take the Oakland out of Al Davis, but you can't take the Al Davis out of the Oakland". 
  8. Rookie cards that I will own at least three of before the season starts: Leonard Fournette, Patrick MaHomes, Christian McCaffrey, John Ross, Corey Davis, Mike Williams, DeDe Westbrook, Joe Mixon, Dalvin Cook, DeShaun Watson and Chad Kelly.
  9. Why did the NFL make the decision to have every single pick have some kind of special announcer, or guest appearance, or shout-out to some cause, or hot button issue? I mean I am all for a heartfelt thanks to military service, or fulfilling a child’s “make a wish”; but every single pick? That is over doing it just a bit, don’t you think? 
  10. The 2017 NFL Draft would have been 100x better with the great Chris Berman.
Q: Okay Informer, what was your favorite part of the 2017 NFL Draft?

I am not going to lie, I was really excited after the 2nd pick when every “NFL DRAFT EXPERT” had to rip up there mock drafts, because none of them predicted DA Bears would draft a guy named Trabansky from North Carolina.

Q: Informer you do know his name is Trubisky, not Trabansky, right? Also, sticking with the top quarterbacks, what do you think is going to happen with the three quarterbacks that were drafted in the 1st Round?

Trubisky? Are you sure? I kinda like Trabansky better. He sounds like someone from Chicago who used to drink beers with Bill Brasky, or who bought auto parts from Ray Zalinsky. Trubisky just sounds like a healthy choice snake cookie.

Q: What in the blue hell is a snake cookie? Were you trying to spell "snack" cookie? Cheese and rice Informer, how can you proclaim to be a "sports writer" and not know how to f****ing spell?

In my defense, I was obviously more worried about making the Bill Brasky/Ray Zalinsky joke than I was about spell checking my article that six people are going to read. But you are right, that was a poor job by me. I was trying to say, "snack cookie". Lesson as always, don't edit your article hammered wasted on Natty Lights. 

As far as the original question goes; I personally think two of the three guys are going to be future Pro Bowl quarterbacks. Now, because I don't want to upset any fan bases who could be reading this, I am not going to mention the guy who I think is going to be a bust. Instead, I will just say that his name rhymes with Prabransky.

Q: Seriously Informer, do you ever think that if you were not such a drunken idiot, and you actually took this stuff seriously, that maybe it could have been you getting fired by ESPN this past week?

Are you implying that me being an alcoholic is the reason I have never fulfilled my dream of being hired and fired from ESPN, or Grantland, or The Ringer?  I mean, I guess that might have something to do with it, but honestly I would like to think the fact that I just misspelled "snake cookie" on live internet blogging is the reason I have yet to achieve my dreams. 

Q: Dear Nostradrunkass, how did your 2017 NBA Playoff 1st round picks turn out?

Nostradrunkass? I get it. Because I am a predictor of the future like Nostradamus, but I also just admitted that I most likely over consumed the Natties while writing this article. That is a good one. #LOL #LMAO #ROFLMAO #Funny

Anyways, which means please don't make up fake nicknames while The Informer is trying to write a mailbag because it distracts me, I have currently picked every series correctly (pending Clippers over Jazz) with the exception of the Thunder-Rockets. Furthermore, I also said the Bulls would win at least two games and that the Bucks would give Toronto everything they could possibly handle before ultimately falling short. Basically, I think The Informer has lived up to the name through one round.

Q: You picked the Thunder over the Rockets? That was the easiest series of them all. How could you get that one wrong and still think you are "The Informer". More like "The Informoron". You suck Informer. And you are ugly. 

Didn't I just say to stop making up nicknames that distract me while I am writing? Come on man? Follow the rules. And as far as taking Russ in round one; I apologize for picking with my heart over my brain. If that makes me "The Informoron" then I am just going to have to go through life being "The Informoron."

Q: Informer you are not a moron because you picked Russ, you are a moron because that was the way you were born. With that being said, and in all seriousness, if you are ever going to one day get fired from ESPN you need to stop being such a p**sy writer, and start giving the people the hot takes they want. You can start by giving us your hottest hot takes for the 2017 NBA Playoffs.

You know what? If hot takes are what the people want, and what is going to help me fulfill my life long dream of one day being fired by ESPN, then by gawd I am going to give them the hottest of hot takes anyone has ever herd. So with that in mind; here are The Informer's 2017 NBA Playoffs hot takes . . .
  • LeBron James is really good at the game of basketball.
  • Chris Paul is great, but he is not the greatest point guard of all-time. That would “White Chocolate Jason Williams . . .Okay just kidding. The answer is Magic Johnson.
  • Kevin Durant is the second best basketball player in the world.
  • Kawhi Leonard is amazing.
  •  Stephen Curry is the greatest shooter ever. 
  • Klay Thompson is the greatest “When I get on fire watch out” shooter of all-time.
  • Finally, I think when the Golden State Warriors win the NBA title, they should be considered the greatest team in the history of the NBA.
Q: Sorry Informer, while close, those were really just "luke-warm" takes. I think you can do better. How about instead of the NBA Playoffs, you gives us some of your scortching hot NFL Draft takes?

Really? Luke warm? I thought those were on fire. But, if I must, here are The Informer's 2017 NFL Draft scorching hot takes . .  .
  • Joe Minton (the 48th pick in the NFL Draft by the Bengals) will finish higher than John Ross (the 9th pick in the NFL Pick by the Bengals) in the NFL Rookie of the Year race.
  • DeShaun Watson is going to win the 2017 NFL Rookie of the Year. 
  • Patrick MaHomes will play in at least one Pro Bowl before his career is over.
  • Despite trading up for their quarterback of the future, the Chicago Bears are still mathematically eliminated from the NFL Playoffs.
Q: Come on Informer you can be hotter than that?

Seriously? Okay, one last time, here goes . . .
  • Baseball was better with steroids. 
  • The 95 Nebraska Cornhuskers are the greatest college football team ever. 
  • "SpyGate" and "Deflate-gate" were made up "Fake News" stories.
  • I am going to make at least 17 DeShone "Kizer Soze" jokes by the time the 2017 NFL regular season is over.
  • Barry Bonds is the greatest baseball player ever.
  • Within the next eight years, that porn-star chick who keeps trolling Jim Kelly's nephew, will be begging All-Pro Chad Kelly to slide into her DMs. 
  • Randy Moss is the greatest wide receiver ever.
  • LeBron James is better than Larry Bird, Magic Johnson and Kobe Bryant.
  • The Informer could beat Alonzo Ball in a game of 1 on 1 hoops.
  • And finally, Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback ever. 
Q: Informer you really suck at hot-takes. How about we just move on before you embarrass yourself any more? Moving forward: What are your favorite tweets about the 2017 NFL draft.

I am not going to lie, there is almost nothing in this world that upsets me more than when someone says they wrote an article -- so you click on the link -- and it ends up not being an article at all, but just a bunch of tweets. It is infuriating. Now, with that said, since I feel like we gave the people something that resembles an actual mailbag article; I have no problem ending the day by coping out to the newest trend and sharing a few tweets that made me chuckle on the floor while laughing. I hope you all will get a good cackle out of them as well. 

Q: Informer before you go, please give us your predictions for the 2nd round of the 2017 NBA Playoffs?

Well, since you asked nicely, my picks are:
  • Warriors in four over Clippers, or Warriors in five over the Jazz.
  • Spurs in six over the Rockets.
  • Wizards in six over the Celtics.
  • LeBron James in five over the Raptors.

Have a great weekend everyone. Go LeBron. Go Warriors.