The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 1

Q: Hey Informer are you seriously going to let the 2017 NFL Season start without giving your readers a fun facts, stats and useless information article?

Of course not. In fact (pun intended), here are 15 of The Informer's funnest most useless stats for the upcoming 2017 NFL Season.

1. Martavias Bryant has 14 touchdown in 21 career games. To put that in perspective that is more TD receptions through 21 games than Julio Jones (12), AJ Green (9), Marvin Harrison (10), Larry Fitzgerald (11), Antonio Brown (1), Michael Irvin (7), Cris Carter (8), Dez Bryant and Jerry Rice (9).
2. Also to put the above stat in perspective, the great Randy Moss caught 20 touchdowns in his first 21 NFL games. 
3. Antonio Gates (who has 111 career TD receptions) needs to catch one TD pass this season in order to break a tie with Tony Gonzalez for the most touchdowns by a tight end in NFL history.
4. Frank Gore is 619 yards away from passing LaDaninian Tomlinson for fifth all-time rushing yards. For those wondering, the only time Gore has rushed for under 619 yards in a season during his 12-year career was his rookie season when he finished with 608 yards rushing.
5. Sticking with the ageless wonder; if Gore reaches 1,000 yards rushing this season he will join Emmitt Smith, Curtis Martin, Barry Sanders and Walter Payton as the only backs to rush for 1,000 yards in 10 different seasons. 
6. Drew Brees is 5,829 yards away from breaking Peyton Manning’s NFL record for passing yards.
7. Tom Brady is 4,262 yards behind Drew Brees.
8. If Adrian Peterson rushes for 1,00 yards he will surpass Thurman Thomas, Franco Harris, Marcus Allen, Edgerin James, Marshall Faulk, Jim Brown and Tony Dorsett to move into ninth place all time.
9. If Larry Fitzgerald records his ninth 1,000 yard season, he would move into third place for most receiving yards in NFL history.
10. Aaron Rodgers needs four TD passes to move past John Elway for 10th all-time. Once that happens Rodgers will join Brees, Brady, Eli Manning, Philip Rivers and Big Ben in the Top 10 in NFL history for career TD passes.
11. Carson Palmer and Philip Rivers each need to pass for 3,000 yards to join Brees, Brady, Eli and Big Ben on the Top 10 career passing yards' list.
12. Odell Beckham Jr and Javaris Landry are each entering their third NFL season with 288 career receptions.
13. With that said; it should be noted that the ODB has racked 4,122 yards and 35 TD, compared to Landry’s 3,051 yards and 13 TD.
14. Speaking of Beckham: Did you know that through 43 NFL games the only players with more TD catches than Odell are Rob Gronkowski (41), Jerry Rice (38) and Randy Moss (37)?
15. And finally, did you know Randy Moss is the only player in NFL history to have three season with 17 or more touchdown catches? Also, he is the youngest player in NFL history to reach 100 TDs for a career. He is second all-time with 157 TD catches. And he owns the NFL record for TD receptions by a rookie (17) and touchdown receptions for a single season (23).

Q: Enough with the made up stats Informer, lets get down to the business of what we are doing here today: What are your boldest of bold predictions for the 2017 NFL Season?

If you want bold, I will give you bold.

1. A.J. Green will lead the NFL in receiving yards.
2. Drew Brees will add to his NFL record by throwing for over 4,500 yards for the eighth straight season (Peyton Manning is second all-time with five straight +4,500 yard seasons).
3. Aaron Rodgers will win the 2017 NFL MVP.
4. The six NFC Playoff teams will be: Seattle Seahawks, Green Bay Packers, Dallas Cowboys, Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers and the New York Giants.
5. The six AFC Playoff teams will be: New England Patriots, Pittsburgh Steelers, Tennessee Titans, Kansas City Chiefs, Cincinnati Bengals and Oakland Raiders.
6. New England will beat Green Bay in the Super Bowl.
7. Kareem Hunt will win the Rookie of the Year.
8. Speaking of Hunt; I think the Kansas City rookie will fumble his first career carry, but then redeem himself by becoming just the third player in NFL history to have 150+ yards and 3 TDs in his first NFL start (joining Marshall Faulk 1994, and Billy Simms 1980). 
9. For the sixth time in his NFL career, Alex Smith will have a 300-yard passing game.
10. And finally, I do not think the New England Patriots will go undefeated.

Q: Wait one flipping second Informer. Did you just hand out four bold predictions based on a game that was already played? Is that what you are doing now? Waiting for a game to end and then writing articles where it makes it look like you actually predicted the outcome? That is a new low even for your drunk ass. You should be ashamed of yourself you fat ignorant hillbilly.

You can call me all the names you want, but these are all legit bold predictions that I totally came up with on my own before my new favorite team the Kansas City Chiefs dethroned the New England Patriots on live national television.

Q: That is f*****g horses sauce and you know it Informer. You are nothing more than a lying drunk bandwagon jumping little man who makes sh*t up to try and feel better about the fact that you suck as a writer and nobody likes you. Well Informer, I am not going to let you get away with it. I want you to show us your "Proof of pick" tweet for the Thursday Night Football game right f***ing now, so we can all see what a fraud you truly are?

Sure I will show my tweet. I got nothing to hide:

I am taking the Kansas City Chiefs (+9), the Chiefs moneyline and the 1st half over 24.5 #ThursdayNightFootball #PatsVsChiefs

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 9, 2017

Q: For f**k sakes Informer!!! That tweet was clearly posted on Saturday, September 9th. Seriously man what is wrong with you? Just admit that the Natty Lights have finally killed all of your brain cells so you must resort to being a worthless drunk liar.

Ummmmm . . . Since this is obviously my "deflategate" moment in history where I am going to dig in and never admit my lies: Why don't we wrap up the mailbag and get to The Informer's  Week 1 2017 NFL Picks?

As always please gamble with reckless abandoned.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-8.5)

The Informer's TNF proof of pick tweet:

I am taking the New England Patriots (-8.5) the 1st half under (24.5) and the game over 48.5 total points #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 7, 2017

Yikes, that is a painful way to start the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Pats (-8.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-8.5)

Oh look at this; we made it to the first Sunday game of the 2017 NFL Season and we have already found the worst game of the year. Welp, since we are obviously not going to talk about this garbage Jet-Bills game, I guess that means we need to hand out this week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

#ClassicKD

Pick: Jets (+8.5)  

ATLANTA FALCONS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+6.5)

Teams that blow a 28-3 Super Bowl lead do not come out flat in Week 1 the very next season. On the contrary they come out pissed off and ready for revenge. At least that is what I am predicting is going to happen with the 2017 Atlanta Falcons (You know since no team in the history of the world has ever blown a 28-3 Super Bowl lead before). My gut is telling me that this team is too healthy and motivated in Week 1 to have any issue with the Mike Glennon led Bears.

Pick: Falcons (-6.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ CINNCINATI BENGALS (-2.5)

I think 2017 is going to be A.J. Green's greatest year as a professional football player. I also think that greatness starts Week 1 at home against the banged up Baltimore Ravens.

Pick: Bengals (-2.5)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+9.5)

Martavias Bryant is a young Randy Moss like star. Antonio Brown has three straight season with at least 106 receptions. The Steelers defense is going to be legit. Big Ben is 21-2 in his career versus the Browns. LaVeon Bell is fully healthy and playing Week 1. Oh and did I mention the Browns are still the Cleveland Browns? Yea . . . Don't over think this one.

Pick: Steelers: (-9.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ DETROIT LIONS (+2)

Bruce Arians is greater than Jim Caldwell. Larry Fitzgerald is greater than Lions WRs. David Johnson is a possible 2017 NFL MVP. And finally, Arizona is healthy after their disaster 2016 season while the Detroit Lions are the same team that lost three straight games to finish 2016. Add it all up and the math says I am taking Arizona and laying the points on the road.

Pick: Cardinals (-2)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-5)

Okay so I started a thing on twitter this summer called "The Informer's joke of the Day". Its my new running bit where I go on the internet and try to find jokes that make me laugh, then I share them on my account for all to read. Now, since most of these jokes are at the expense of the hapless Jacksonville Jaguars, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to share five of my favorites from the summer.

Here goes . . .

Q: Did you hear the C.I.A sent Blake Bortles over to North Korea?
A: They figured he was the only guy in the world who could overthrow Kim Jong-Un.

Q: Why doesn't Blake Bortles use the telephone anymore?
A: Because he couldn't find the receiver.

Q: What do the Oakland Raiders and the L.A. P.D. have in common?
A: Neither one can stop a Bronco.

Q: Why did Tony Romo cross the road?
A: To get to the hospital. (Too soon?)

Q: If you have a Dallas Cowboys running back, wide receiver and defensive player in the same car: Who is driving?
A: The Police.


via GIPHY
Pick: Texans (-5)  

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-2.5)

I know the Titans have become this year’s hipster sleeper playoff team (I did just pick them to make the playoffs six paragraphs ago), but I feel like I need to point out the fact that the Tennessee Titans have an absolute brutal 10 game start to the season.

Seriously check it out:

Raiders (very loseable), Jags (win) Seattle (loss), @ Houston (they will be underdogs), @ Miami (loseable), Colts in Primetime (Andrew Luck is 9-0 career vs Tennessee) (@ Browns (win), Ravens (toss up), Bengals (toss up), @ Steelers (loss), @ Colts (See above 9-0 stat).

Listen, I am not saying they won't make the playoffs, but I am saying maybe we should see how they handle themselves against the “super bowl contending” Oakland Raiders in Week  1 before we go Denny Greening their asses the Cinderella's of the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Titans (-2.5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+1.5)

I am following the gambling rule that says to always take the home underdog when the points are 2.5 or less.

Pick: Skins (+1.5)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-4.5)

I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE F*****G JARED GOFF LED LOS ANGELS RAMS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!!

Pick: Lion King Lock of the Week Rams (-4.5)

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3)

Obviously this is the hardest game of the week to pick. I honestly have been going back and forth chugging Natties trying to figure out what to do. And after about six or seven tall one, I have finally decided that The Informer's gambling rules clearly state I am not allowed to ever bet against Aaron Rodgers at Lambeau. So, because the rules are the rules, I will be betting the Packers on Sunday in the preview of the 2017 NFC Championship game.

Pick: Packers (-3)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+5)

If my children no longer have a college fund at the end of Sunday it will be because I was wrong about the Brian Hoyer led 49ers going up against the Carolina Panthers.

Pick: Panthers (-5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-4.5)

This game will come down to a last minute field goal. And the last time I checked field goals are only worth 3-points, which is obviously less than 4.5.

Pick: Giants (+4.5)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-3)

If Adrian Peterson does not score a touchdown in this game I will stop drinking Natty Lights for a period of 24 straight hours. I swear to Tim Tebow I will do it.

Pick: Saints (+3)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-3)

I am picking the San Diego Chargers because when I was in the second grade the brother of Chargers linebacker Kyle Emanuel came to my birthday party where we watched Wrestlemania VII and ate yellow cake with pink frosting. And while I don't know exactly how that fact matters to the outcome of a NFL game, I also can't come up with a single scientific reason why it is not going to be the most important factor in the outcome of this NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE game.

Sooooo . . .

Pick: Chargers (-3)

That is a wrap folk. I hope you all have a great opening day Sunday. May it be filled with Natty Lights, winning bets and all of the Blimpies free gambling money can buy.

The Informer's 2017 NBA Finals Instant Reaction: Game 3

Here are 10 things I think I think after watching the Golden State Warriors 118-113 victory over the Cleveland Cavaliers in Game 3 of the 2017 NBA Finals. 

10. First things first: I want to mention that I watched the entire Game 3 with no sound. So if some of these points were made on the broadcast I apologize. I did not hear them, I am not trying to steal them, and in no way shape or form would I ever use someone else's opinion about NBA basketball as my own (Unless doing such things meant I would get paid millions of dollars, but that is another story for another time). Okay, now that we are all on the same page that these are my thoughts and my thoughts alone --let's do this.

9. As a fan of the NBA -- and also someone who loves watching LeBron James do super human things on a basketball court -- I was very sad the LeBron's did not win Game 3 and make this an actual series. With that said; as someone who "max bet" the Warriors (-3.5) in Game 3, I am absolutely ecstatic right now that Kevin Durant cemented his new role as the best basketball player alive by hitting a game winning 3-pointer right between LeBron James' eyes.

8. My favorite part of any "Klay Thompson is on fire" game is the fact that I get to send out tweets like this as it happens:

It's been awhile since I was able to do this, but here is live actual footage of Klay Thompson walking into halftime #NBAFinals pic.twitter.com/9S6fjLXLgV

— The Informer (@therealinformer) June 8, 2017

7. To answer the next question: Yes I send out this exact same tweet every single time Klay, or anybody playing basketball, gets heated up. And no I don't apologize for re-using the same tweet because it is hilarious each and every time.

6. I should probably make a bigger deal about the fact that the Cavs lost despite LeBron James putting up 39-11-9, and Kyrie Irving adding in a spectacular 38 points, and the refs giving them every single home-town-home-cooking call they could possibly give. But honestly, my biggest question from the Cavs Game 3 loss is this: Why did LeBron stop scoring points in the second half? Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that he makes the smart basketball play nearly 100% of the time. But man, every once in awhile the smart basketball play is for LeBron to score every time he touches the ball. Game 3 was one of the those times. LeBron realized this in the first half (27 points and on pace for his first career 50-point playoff game), but for some reason he forgot this in the second half. To me that is the biggest reason why the Cavs lost.

5. Since I am writing this "instant reaction" article before the regular "hot take" media wakes up, I figured I might as well share with you all five of the hottest "hot takes" you can expect to hear the "expert hot takers" give you on Thursday.

1. At least every single one of the "hot take" shows will ask this question: Would the Golden State Warriors beat the 1996 Chicago Bulls. Not to spoil the future, but one of the analyst is going to argue there is no way they could beat the Bulls, while the other analyst will argue they would definitely beat the Bulls. 
2. LeBron James is a choke article who is scared of the fourth quarter (P.S. - If you subscribe to this theory you are a moron and need to delete your account).
3. Is this now Kevin Durant's team? (Here is a hint: The answer is no it is the Golden State Warriors team. That is why this group is so damn successful. Everyone plays for each other, not for "this is my team" status.)
4. If LeBron gets swept for the second time in the NBA Finals does that ruin his legacy? (Again, the answer is no.)
5. And finally, my personal favorite: Michael Jordan never would have been down 3-0 in an NBA Finals. 

4. There is at least 10% of my brain that believes LeBron James purposely went down 3-0 just so he could come back from a 3-0 deficit to win the NBA Finals.

3. There is at least 90% of my brain that believes that is the most absurd thing I have ever said and that the 2017 Golden State Warriors are the greatest basketball team ever assembled that did not involve the words "Olympics" and "Dream Team".

2. Remember last article when I said that I thought Kevin Durant was the best "pure" scorer I have ever watched play? Well, when I said that, I was not saying he is the greatest scorer of all-time -- or that he is in some way a better scorer than Michael Jordan (Tebow forbid someone make an argument like that) -- what I was trying to say is that Kevin Durant can score 30-points easier than anyone I have ever seen play basketball. Hence the word "pure". And to prove my point; Durant went out and scored 30 points on 10-18 shooting. I mean seriously, it is absolutely remarkable the ease at which he scores buckets. That was the point I was trying to make when I said Kevin Durant is the best "pure" scorer in NBA history. And also, I was also totally trying to be a hot-taker who says things like "Kevin Durant is a better scorer than Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan combined" because it leads to tons of extra clicks.

1. And finally, I think I think that I need to end this article by simply saying: "KEVIN F****ING DURANT!!!" In the words of Mark Jackson: "Mama . . . There goes that man."

The Informer's 2017 NBA Finals Instant Reaction: Game 2

Here are 10 things I think I think after watching the Golden State Warriors 132-113 victory over the Cleveland Cavaliers in Game 2 of the 2017 NBA Finals. 

10) I know this is the exact same hot take everyone in the world is going to have on Monday morning, but I am going to make it anyways: Cleveland can't beat the Golden State Warriors playing run & gun basketball. Sure, they can hang close for a half, or maybe even three quarters, but eventually Steph is going to Step, the Warriors are going to Warrior, and the Cavs are going to get run off the court like every other NBA team in 2017.

9) Did you all know that Kevin Durant joined Michael Jordan and Shaquille O'Neal as the only players in NBA history to score at least 25 points in each of their first seven NBA Finals starts? For those wondering how far KD needs to go to break the record; Shaq scored 25+ in each of his first 16 NBA Finals games, while Michael Jordan scored 25+ in each of his first 20 NBA Finals games.

8) Speaking of Durant's historically great scoring, I think it is time that I say this out loud: Kevin Durant is the best pure scorer in the history of the NBA. Now, I know everyone is going to say "but Jordan or Kobe" (and those are valid points), but my response to that argument would be that I have never seen anyone get buckets with the ease that Sniper Jones is able to get buckets. I mean the dude literally rolls out of bed and has 30. Its unreal. And it is awesome to watch.

7) Is there a funner (Is funner a word?) person to watch play basketball than Steph Curry? I assume this is what people who got to watch Pistol Pete Maravich must of felt like every single game. You know, watching a guy do stuff on the court with a basketball every single game that should not be humanly possible?

6) I am not sure what this has to do with anything, but I honestly think 1999-02 Shaquille O'Neal would average 50 points per game in the 2017 NBA Finals.

5) Here are five random things I think inside of my 10 things I think I think article:

• I have a completely made up source who has confirmed that Chuck Norris has nightmares about playing a 3rd quarter against the Golden State Warriors. 
• As someone who loves all things JaVale McGee, I truly hope he yells "hows my ass taste Shaq" after every alley-oop dunk he gets during these NBA Finals? 
• Welcome to the NBA Finals Klay Thompson's jump shot. My bank account is glad to see you alive and well over 2.5 3-pointers made. 
• When is the "Super LeBron" who puts up 40-18-15 stat lines going to show up? Will it be Game 3? Game 4? Did "Super LeBron" retire after coming back from a 3-1 deficit in 2016? I honestly don't know the answer, but if the Cavs are going to have any kind of shot to win this series they need it to be sooner, rather than later.
• And finally, after two games, who is the 2017 NBA Finals MVP: Steph Curry (who had a 30-11-10 triple double) or Kevin Durant (who had 33-13-6 with LeBron James guarding him)? Feel free to share your answer on my twitter page. 

4) LeBron James' NBA Finals record is 16-25. Now I am not going to make the "MJ would never have lost 25 NBA Final games" argument, but I am going to say at some point being the greatest player in the world has to lead to some victories, right?

3) In Jack McCallum's must read book about the Barcelona "Dream Team", he has a story about Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan arguing over who the greatest player alive was. Now, at some point during the argument, Larry Bird came over to Magic and basically told him their time was past and that the best player in the world was the same guy who just beat Magic Johnson in then 1991 NBA Finals --Michael Jordan. Well, I am starting to think we are seeing history repeat itself in 2017. Because while LeBron has held that title for at least the past 7-10 years, I think we are seeing in these finals that the proverbial "best player alive" torch is being passed to Kevin Durant.

2) So, the Golden State Warriors are about to have 2 NBA championships, the regular season record for most wins in a season (73), the best record ever for an NBA postseason (15-1, or 16-0), and possibly the first ever "Fo-Fo-Fo-Four" in NBA Playoff History. In other words; it is definitely time to put them in the discussion as the greatest basketball team of all-time.

1) And finally, since this article has been full of hot takes; I am going to leave you all tonight with one of the most scorching hot takes of my entire life. Here goes . . . I think if the Cleveland Cavaliers do not win at least one of the next two games, they are not going to have a chance to win this series.

#HowsThatForDataHotTakes?