The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 8

Here are The Informer's Week 8 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

Washington Redskins @ Minnesota Vikings (-17.5)

I am taking Washington +17.5 on #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 24, 2019

Pick: Washington (+17.5)

New York Giants @ Detroit Lions (-6.5)

When two mediocre teams play against each other the gambling rule book dictates that a person should always take the points and hope Saquon Barkley has a "Barry Sanders like" flashback while keeping the Giants close enough to win in the end.

Pick: Giants (+6.5)

Tampa Bay @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)

Tennessee and Tampa Bay are The Informer's kryptonite this season. If I back them to win or cover; then they lose and don't cover. Likewise, if I bet against them they both will show up and play like they are the 2019 New England Patriots. It is very frustrating. But, since I am going to lose no matter what I do here, I am going to ride the home team because I want to root for Derrick Henry.

Pick: Titans (-2.5)

San Diego Chargers @ Chicago Bears (-3.5)

Before the season started I had a dream that the San Francisco 49ers easily beat the Chicago Bears in a Week 16 game. During said dream I also uttered the words "the 49ers with Jimmy G are a great bet, while the Bears are not who we thought they were".

Now, because I needed a reason to bet against the Bears this week, I have decided that this dream was not meant to represent just one game (especially considering the Bears and 49ers don't play this season) but rather that the dream was a metaphor for how the entire 2019 season was going to play out.

So from here on out; I will be betting against the Bears and backing the 49ers until my insane dream theory proves to be wrong.

Pick: Chargers (+3.5)

Seattle HGHawks @ Atlanta Falcons (+8)

To answer everyone's next question after reading the previous section: Yes, The Informer is drunk again.

Pick: HGHawks (-8)

New York Jets @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-6.5)

I love Gardner "Milksteak" Minshew as much as the next guy, but I find it hard to believe he should be an almost touchdown favorite over another NFL team. Especially a team like the Jets who were just embarrassed on Monday Night Football. So theoretically they should be playing extra hard to redeem themselves on Sunday.

At least that is what I tell myself as I am flushing my "I bet the Jets" money down the toilet.

Pick: Jets (+6.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Buffalo Bills (-2)

Josh "The Canon" Allen is 5-1 as a starter when The Informer uses his section to post the Blimpie Best meme of the Week. So in the name of moving "The Canon" to 6-1 . . . Here is the Blimpie Best meme of the Week:

#This man had a family. 

Pick: Eagles (+2)

Cincinnati Bengals @ LA Rams (-12)

The Informer is putting a double Tenner on the Dodgy Rams because London games tend to be Wonkier than a Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a Bog Roll in case the Rams Shamble the bed, or that Knob Head Jared Goff Throws a Spanner in the Works like a Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog.

Either way, it will not matter if you have Twigs & Berries or a Fanny; if the Rams can break Todd Gurley out Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be Starkers Daft Cows eating Bangers and Chips while counting our Dobbers’s before going Off to Bedshore.

Shag Strawberry Creams and Arse. Easy Peasy One Off Across the Pond wagers are Wicked Cool on Sundays.

Bob’s Your Uncle.

Pick: Rams (-12)

Arizona Cardinals @ New Orleans Saints (-13)

I think Arizona scores a late touchdown to backdoor cover. I have zero Scientific evidence or mathematical equations to support this theory.

Pick: Cards (+13)

Oakland Raiders @ Houston Texans (-6)

The Informer is not someone who like's to self promote, brag about, or say look at me (I am totally this type of person); but I made a music video using the theme song from my favorite new podcast on the internet -- The Crackin' Natty's Podcast -- and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did not use this section to completely ignore the Oakland Raiders and self-gloat about how catchy the tune is and how well produced the video turned out.

I created a song for my friends podcast #CrackinNattys, so today I thought I’d turn that song into a music video #NattysUp pic.twitter.com/sT2ZtkfTDD

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 25, 2019

#LetsCrackSomeNatties

Pick: Texans (-6)

Carolina Panthers @ San Francisco 49ers (-5)

Have a dream that says the 49ers are a great bet. Remember the dream three months later and write about it in your blog so your readers can see how much a psycho you are. Finally, get rich after betting 49ers.

Seems like a totally logical gambling strategy.

Pick: 49ers (-5)

Denver Broncos @ Indianapolis Colts (-5)

I think the Colts are good. I think the Donkeys are trash. Therefore I will not be betting the Donkey's on the road against the Colts.

It really is that simple.

Pick: Colts (-5)

Cleveland Browns @ New England Patriots (-10.5)

Bless me Tebow for I have sinned. It has been five years since my last "I bet against Tom Brady in Primetime" confession. My gambling sin is this: Last week I ignored all your teachings and bet against Tom Brady in primetime even though I knew I was committing a mortal gambling sin. Even worse though, I told all the people reading this blog to bet against Tom Brady. So not only did I knowingly commit gambling adultery for the fourth time in my life; I also pressured others to join me. I promise I am truly sorry for what I have done. I know you are an all forgiving Tebow; so I hope you can see that this time I really did I learn from my mistake. I also vow that I will never again utter the words "I am betting against Tom Brady". I just hope that you can see my actions from last week do not represent who I truly am as a gambler. I ask for this forgiveness in the name of the Father Bill Belichick, the son Tom Brady and the Holy Ghost  Tim Tebow.

Pick: Patriots (-10.5)

Green Bay Packers @ Kansas City Chiefs (+5)

I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I really want to cry because I wish this was Mahomes vs Rodgers . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I'll just drown my Mahomes-sarrows with Natty Lights . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I LOVE YOU MAHOMES!!!!!!!!!! . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team!!!

Are we all on the same "don't bet against the red hot MVP bound Aaron Rodgers" page here?

Pick: Packers (-5)

Miami Dolphins @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-14)

Nope next. And no I do not care that this is Monday Night Football. You can't make me write about this bag of bamboo sh*t the NFL is trying to call football.

Moving on.

Pick: Dolphins (+14)

Before we go here is The Informer's "I think this guy will be the MVP at the end of the season rankings (note I am not saying they are the MVP today, I am saying they will be after it is all said and done):

1. Aaron Rodgers - The media loves when Aaron Rodgers is great. Right now Aaron Rodgers is great. That makes him my MVP favorite as long as he keeps winning (and I think his defense is finally good enough to keep winning).
2. Tom Brady - If the Patriots go 16-0 or 15-1 or 14-2 Tom Brady will be in the Top 3 MVP discussions. In other news the Patriots are going to finish 16-0 or 15-1 or 14-2. So yea.
3. Russell Wilson - I have Wilson ahead of Lamar even though Lamar outduled Russ last week.
4. Lamar Jackson - So take these MVP mid season rankings with a grain of concaine and a fifth of Natty. 
5. Run CMC - Because The Informer can't tell the future. So all of these projections are based on what has happened and what I think "will happen" as the season goes on.

And on that note, we are done with Week 8. I hope y'all have a great Sunday filled with winning parlays, cold Natty's and enough back door covers to make your bookie go back to hooking.

Good luck.

The Informer Out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 58-47-1

Last Week: 8-6

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 5-1-1

The Prodigy's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 7

The Prodigy: Knock Knock?

The Informer: Who is there?

The Prodigy: Owen.

The Informer: Owen Who?

The Prodigy: The Informer is Owen-7 against The Prodigy in our 2019 NFL Picks Challenge.

The Informer:

Okay, listen kid: The joke was hilarious. And also totally true (which makes it even funny). So I will give you that. Here is what I am going to say in response to that joke: You are no longer playing against just The Informer young AC. You are now playing against "The World".

Let me show you what I mean:

I got the kid 61-30-1 straight up (Top 3-5 on internet) and 53-38-1 ATS (Top 10)

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 18, 2019

As the old saying goes: "To be the man, you have to beat the man." Well, so far you are beating the man (that's The Informer), and that is leading you to beating "The World."

So keep up the good work kid. Keep picking with confidence. And do not change anything about your approach. You do that and I assure you will be happy with almost all of the results come Week 17 (you will lose to me ATS . . .But that is another story for another day).

Anyways, without further ado, here are The Prodigy's Week 7 NFL Picks:

Straight Up: Chiefs, Bills, Jags, Lions, Packers, Rams, Texans, 49ers, Giants, Chargers, Wins, Ravens, Eagles, Pats

ATS: Chiefs (-3) Bills (-17.5) Bengals (+4.5) Lions (+2.5) Packers (-5) Rams (-3) Texans (PK) 49ers (-10.5) Cards (+3) Chargers (+2,5) Saints (+4.5) Ravens (+2.5) Eagles (+2) Jets (+10.5)

For those wanting to here why The Prodigy is heading into Week 7 betting the Eagles in the Big D here is his YouTube Video breaking down all of his best picks on the internet selections:

Also for record sake here are The Informer's Straight Up Picks:

Chiefs, Bills, Bengals, Vikings, Packers, Rams, Texans, Cards, Chargers, Saints, HGHawks, Eagles and Pats

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 7

I am not going to lie; due to the Patrick Mahomes injury The Informer does not really feel like writing this blog today. I mean first it was Kevin Durant's achilles tendon. Then AJ Green's ankle gets mangled because the Bengals were practicing on the Sandlot. Then Andrew Luck retires from football altogether. And now Patrick Mahomes dislocates his kneecap doing a routine quarterback sneak?

That is literally all four of my favorite teams being taken from me in the middle of their primes. I suppose this is probably just the sports Tebow's sending karma my way for liking players -- and rooting for Tom Brady all the time -- but whatever is going on it absolutely sucks donkey balls and makes me want to cry.

Don't worry. I promise I will not cry (at least not until I drink a few more Nattys). But I do have to warn everyone reading; The Informer completely mailed this blog in. My mind is here (so the picks are solid), but my heart and spirit are to beaten down to make this an entertaining and informative read.

So I apologize in advance for my piss poor effort and execution today. It is just a really tough time in The Informer's life. I hope you all can understand that while also respecting The Informer's feelings in this terrible time of mourning.

Anyways, now that we gotten the excuses out of the way, here are The Informer's Week 7 2019 NFL Picks.

As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Donkeys (+3)

The Informer's proof of Thursday Night Football Pick:

I taking the Chiefs -3 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 17, 2019

Pick: Chiefs (-3)

Arizona Cardinals @ New York Giants (-3)

In the name of mourning -- and mailing this blog in -- here are 10 random stats about the number three heading into Week 7.

1. Tom Brady needs 3 TD passes to reach 530 total for his career.
2. Mathew Stafford needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Tony Romo & Boomer Easison and into the Top 22 all time.
3. Russell Wilson needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Matt Hasselback and Terry Bradshaw and into the Top 35 all-time.
4. Andy Dalton needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Ken Anderson and into the Top 45 all-time.
5. Ryan Fitzpatrick needs 3 TD passes to move into the Top 50 all-time.
6. Newly minted Titans starter Ryan "RT1" Tannehill needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Archie Manning and into the Top 105 all-time.
7. Jameis Winston needs 3 TD to move ahead of Chad Pennington and into the Top 130 all-time.
8. Carson Wentz needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Bill Munson and into the Top 156 all-time.
9. DeShaun Watson needs 3 TD passes to reach 60 career touchdown and move into the Top 194 all-time.
10. And finally, Kyler Murray needs 3 TD passes to become the first 2019 NFL rookie quarterback to reach 10 career TD passes.

Pick: Cards (+3)

(The Informer after the stats note - Jags rookie Gardner Milksteak actually has 9 TD passes on the year. So chances are the man, the myth, the legend will be the first to reach 10 TD passes. But that little fact didn't really go with my theme here; so I fudged the numbers a bit to make them work in my favor. Again, The Informer is mourning the loss of Patrick Mahomes, so please ignore the actual scientific facts and pretend what I was saying works. Thanks. I appreciate it.)

Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts (PK)

With Patrick Mahomes officially out of the MVP debate, here are The Informer's Top 5 2019 NFL MVPs:

1. Russell Wilson - Explanation is simple: He is the 2019 NFL MVP through six weeks.
2. Tom Brady - If the Patriots go undefeated we will have to at least discuss Tommy right?
3. Run CMC - Dude is going to break the NFL All purpose yardage record. That has to count for something.
4. DeShaun Watson - If Watson goes into Indy and wins this weekend -- which he will -- I think he firmly etches his name into the Top 5 MVP conversation.
5. Aaron Rodgers - Packers have the Raiders and suddenly vulnerable Chiefs standing in the way of a 7-1 record. So yea, I think you are going to be hearing a little more Rodgers MVP buzz in the next few weeks. 

Pick: Houston (PK)

Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills (-17.5)
San Francisco 49ers @ Washington Redskins (+10.5)

I -- like 95% of America -- have the Buffallo Bills in my "Winners" survivor poll and the Washington Redskins in my "Loser" survivor poll.

So yea.

I can totally imagine how these two "easy pick blowouts" are about to go.

Pick: Dolphins (+17.5) Washington (+10.5)

Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions (+2.5)

Here are The Informer's favorite Draft Kings' lineups for today (note -- They all involve the "Lot Lazard" and the Miami Dolphins defense. So yolo wisely folks).

QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon Barkley
RB: Lataveous Murray
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Julio Jones
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: Hunter Henry
Flex: Josh Jacobs
D: Miami Dolphins

QB: Kyler Murray
RB: Saquon
RB: Dalvin Cook
WR: Lot Lazard
WR: M. Sanu
WR: Mike Williams
TE: Evan Engram
WR: T. McLaruin (Washington Rookie Stud)
D: Dolphins

QB: Matt Stafford
RB: Saquon
RB: D Cook
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Cooper Kupp
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: TJ Hockenson
Flex: Mike WIlliams
D: Dolphins

QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon
RB: Josh Jacobs
WR: Charks JR
WR: T.Y. Hilton
WR: McLaurin
TE: Hooper
FLex: Mark Andrews
D: Dolphins

Pick: Vikings (-2.5)

Oakland Raiders @ Green Bay Packers (-5)

If you couldn't tell from my last two sections; I totally think Aaron Rodgers is going to ride the Lot Lazard to a win and a spot in the MVP conversation this weekend.

Pick: Packers (-5)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Cincinnati Bengals (+4.5)

Here is this week's Blimpie Best meme of the Week:

It is funny because it is true #BradyIsThanos.

Pick: Bengals (+4.5)

Los Angeles Rams @ Atlanta Falcons (+3)

I have lost all the money I was allowed to gamble with in 2019 betting the Falcons to cover the last four weeks. So I might as well lose all the money "I am not allowed to gamble with" betting them not to cover.

Man I love gambling. It is so much fun.

#PleaseDon'tShowThisSectionToMyWifeOrMortgageHolder

Pick: Rams (-3)

San Diego Chargers @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)
Baltimore Ravens @ Seattle HGHawks (-2.5)

I am betting the Chargers. I am also betting the HGHawks. That is it for my analysis on these game.

Pick: HGHawks (-2.5) Chargers (+2.5)

New Orleans Saints @ Chicago Bears (-4.5)

When are people going to realize the New Orleans Saints --with or without Drew Brees -- are one of the Top 4 best "teams" in the NFL? I am guessing it will be on Monday after they beat the Chicago Trabanski's.

Pick: Saints (+4.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys (-2)

Call it a "Natty Light" hunch: But I think the Eagles win this game outright. So I will be grabbing the two points and enjoying the "Philly Special Cover" in Primetime.

(I told y'all The Informer mailed this one in #WhatTheFIsAPhillySpecialCover?)

Pick: Eagles (+2)

New England Patriots @ New York Jets (+10.5)

I want everyone to listen to me very carefully: Only the drunkest of fat morons would be dumb enough to bet against Tom Brady and Bill Belichick on Monday Night Football. I promise, this is not some kind of Natty Light mind trick into making everyone bet the Jets either. I am being 100% serious. There is literally zero logical reasoning to ever betting the Jets against Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots in primetime.

Pick: Jets (+10.5)

That is a wrap for today. Again I apologize for my performance. I know it was not good enough. I will try to be better next Sunday. With that said; have a great Week 7. I hope it is filled with healthy players, lots of winning parlays and enough Natty Lights to cry yourself to sleep waiting for the great Patrick Mahomes' knee cap to heal.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 50-41-1

Last Week: 7-7

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 4-1-1