Showing posts with label Gambling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gambling. Show all posts

Sunday, November 24, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 12



Indianapolis Colts @ Houston Texans (-3.5)

Normally I would share my proof of Thursday Night Football pick tweet, but let's be honest: What is the point of sharing a proof of loss tweet? That's like when Wells Fargo asks me to verify who I am when I call in to give them money to pay for my student loans. I mean seriously, are random strangers actually calling Wells Fargo and saying: "Hey I need to pay this dudes loan off"? Because if they are, please contact The Informer. I will gladly hand you all of my personal information without any questions asked.

Anyways, which means brace yourself folks there is a lot of ranting and very little sports or gambling insight in today's blog, what I am trying to say is I bet the Texans. The Texans didn't cover. So I am not going to go back through thousands of tweets (yes I know I tweet to much, but y'all should follow me anyways) just to prove that I was wrong.

You can either trust that I am not lying, or add another win to my winners column at the end of the year.

It is your choice.

Pick: Texans (-3.5)


Detroit Lions @ Washington Redskins (+4)

As I sit on hold for the fifth straight day trying to get a representative from Disney + to actually answer the phone and tell me why my Disney + does not work, I can't hep but wonder: Who is the bigger dumpster fire of an abortion?

Disney + and their customer service, or this absolute abomination of a clogged toilet that the NFL is masquerading as the Washington Redskins?

Well, after hours of deep intense thought (literally been on hold for hours), I have decided that Disney+ is the winner. Not because Washington isn't complete hot garbage -- they are -- no Disney + is the winner because they took my money while not providing a service. And then when I tried to call and ask them about said "taking of money with lack of service", instead of sending me to a representative, their automated system doubled down and routed my call to a place where the f***** Star Wars theme song plays on an endless loop and no customer service rep ever answers the phone (I am not kidding, they do not ever answer the phone).

So congrats Disney plus. You are this week's biggest dumpster fire of an abortion. You should be very proud. Your commitment to non-service truly is magical.

As far as the gambling goes; I am betting Washington because as we all just learned from the Disney plus story, The Informer love spending all his money on useless trash.

Pick: Washington (+4)


Miami Dolphins @ Cleveland Browns (-10.5)
Denver Donkey's @ Buffalo Bills (-4)

New York Giants @ Chicago Bears (-6)

Betting three road dawgs against teams with playoff aspirations (yes the Bears & Browns are delusional, but they do still think they can run the table and make the playoffs) may not be the smartest move. But then again, neither is drinking 15 Natty Light's while writing a blog at nine o'clock on a Sunday morning.

And yet, here we are.

Pick: Dolphins (+10.5) Donkey's (+4) Giants (+6)


Oakland Raiders @ New York Jets (+3)

My initial reaction was to say when two bad teams play you should always take the points. But after my initial reaction wore off, I thought to myself that I kind of think the Raiders maybe a good football team. So then it turned into a case of a good team playing a crap team with said good team only laying three points; which means the rule says it is actually smart to lay the points here.

Does that make sense?

Pick: Raiders (-3)


Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints (-9.5)

The Informer: You would have to be an absolute drunken moron to bet Kyle Allen on the road against the red hot New Orleans Saints.

Also The Informer: Hey bookie, give me the Panthers (+9.5) . . . I got a drunken gut feeling on this one.

Pick: Panthers (+9.5)


Tampa Bay @ Atlanta Falcons (-3)

I really wish I could quit the Atlanta Falcons. Oh well, maybe next week.

Pick: Falcons (-3.5)


Jacksonville Jaguars @ Tennessee Titans (-3.5)
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals (+6.5)


I am taking the Jags and Steelers in these two contests.

Okay, now that we have that out of the way, here is The Informer's smoking hot wife's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:


I am not gonna lie that one is funny. And she is smoking hot.

Pick: Jags (+3.5) Steelers (-6.5)


Dallas Cowboys @ New England Patriots (-6.5)

I took the Dallas Cowboys in my "pick a team to lose" survivor poll. I also picked the New England Patriots for this blog, with my bookie and in my Super Picks contest. So I guess you could say I am going to be rooting pretty hard for the Tom Brady's today.

Pick: Pats (-6.5)


Seattle HGHawks @ Philadelphia Eagles (PK)

This lined started at Eagles -2.5 and has moved 2.5 points in favor of the HGHawks. What that means is Vegas is going to be rooting very hard for the Eagles to win. So if you are picking Seattle, be prepared for multiple "defensive holding penalties" on third down and an egregious amount of "there was nothing egregious about that obviously egregious pass interference" calls going against Seattle.

That's just the way Vegas does business when they need a team to lose. I just hope that Russ is able to get over the Vegas roadblock and continue his MVP push with a win.

Pick: HgHawks (PK)


Green Bay @ San Francisco 49ers (-3)

Everyone repeat after The Informer:

I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . Drink more Natty's . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . .  I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . F*** Disney + . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . Blimpies is the Best . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . What Would Harry Stamper Do . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . .  I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . .      I WILL NEVER BET AGAINST AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME!!!!

We all on the same page here?

Pick: Green Bay (+3)


Baltimore Ravens @ Los Angeles Rams (+3)

Update on the Disney + fiasco - As I was finishing up this blog, they finally answered and advised me that a ticket has been submitted to look into my issues. For fun, here is our exact conversation:

Disney: We have submitted a ticket. It usually takes 2-3 days for them to resolve the issue.

Me: So if it is not fixed in 3 days do I call back and wait on hold for another 1.5 hours to let you know it didn't work.

Disney: Well it has already been submitted so calling back to re-submit the same problem will do you no good.

Me: Okay, so if it is not fixed in 3 days what should I do?

Disney: Well, if it is not fixed in 3 days you can definitely call us back and let us know.


Me:

On the plus side Disney now has my IP Address. So I am sure nothing bad is going to happen to my computers, credit cards, dogs, social security number, porn internet search history, banking information or devices after I called their service a dumpster fire of an abortion.

So at least I got that going for me.

Pick: Ravens (-3)

That is it for this week y'all. I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday filled with winning parlays, footlong Blimpie Best, ice cold Natty Lights and the ability to watch unlimited Disney movies without getting a mother ******* error code #83 server down message.

See you next Sunday.

Informer Out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 88-72-3

Last Week: 10-3-1

Overall Winning Weeks: 8-2-1



Sunday, October 20, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 7



I am not going to lie; due to the Patrick Mahomes injury The Informer does not really feel like writing this blog today. I mean first it was Kevin Durant's achilles tendon. Then AJ Green's ankle gets mangled because the Bengals were practicing on the Sandlot. Then Andrew Luck retires from football altogether. And now Patrick Mahomes dislocates his kneecap doing a routine quarterback sneak?

That is literally all four of my favorite teams being taken from me in the middle of their primes. I suppose this is probably just the sports Tebow's sending karma my way for liking players -- and rooting for Tom Brady all the time -- but whatever is going on it absolutely sucks donkey balls and makes me want to cry.

Don't worry. I promise I will not cry (at least not until I drink a few more Nattys). But I do have to warn everyone reading; The Informer completely mailed this blog in. My mind is here (so the picks are solid), but my heart and spirit are to beaten down to make this an entertaining and informative read.

So I apologize in advance for my piss poor effort and execution today. It is just a really tough time in The Informer's life. I hope you all can understand that while also respecting The Informer's feelings in this terrible time of mourning.

Anyways, now that we gotten the excuses out of the way, here are The Informer's Week 7 2019 NFL Picks.

As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Donkeys (+3)

The Informer's proof of Thursday Night Football Pick:


Pick: Chiefs (-3)

Arizona Cardinals @ New York Giants (-3)

In the name of mourning -- and mailing this blog in -- here are 10 random stats about the number three heading into Week 7.
  1. Tom Brady needs 3 TD passes to reach 530 total for his career.
  2. Mathew Stafford needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Tony Romo & Boomer Easison and into the Top 22 all time.
  3. Russell Wilson needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Matt Hasselback and Terry Bradshaw and into the Top 35 all-time.
  4. Andy Dalton needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Ken Anderson and into the Top 45 all-time.
  5. Ryan Fitzpatrick needs 3 TD passes to move into the Top 50 all-time.
  6. Newly minted Titans starter Ryan "RT1" Tannehill needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Archie Manning and into the Top 105 all-time.
  7. Jameis Winston needs 3 TD to move ahead of Chad Pennington and into the Top 130 all-time.
  8. Carson Wentz needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Bill Munson and into the Top 156 all-time.
  9. DeShaun Watson needs 3 TD passes to reach 60 career touchdown and move into the Top 194 all-time.
  10. And finally, Kyler Murray needs 3 TD passes to become the first 2019 NFL rookie quarterback to reach 10 career TD passes.
Pick: Cards (+3)

(The Informer after the stats note - Jags rookie Gardner Milksteak actually has 9 TD passes on the year. So chances are the man, the myth, the legend will be the first to reach 10 TD passes. But that little fact didn't really go with my theme here; so I fudged the numbers a bit to make them work in my favor. Again, The Informer is mourning the loss of Patrick Mahomes, so please ignore the actual scientific facts and pretend what I was saying works. Thanks. I appreciate it.)

Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts (PK)

With Patrick Mahomes officially out of the MVP debate, here are The Informer's Top 5 2019 NFL MVPs:
  1. Russell Wilson - Explanation is simple: He is the 2019 NFL MVP through six weeks.
  2. Tom Brady - If the Patriots go undefeated we will have to at least discuss Tommy right?
  3. Run CMC - Dude is going to break the NFL All purpose yardage record. That has to count for something.
  4. DeShaun Watson - If Watson goes into Indy and wins this weekend -- which he will -- I think he firmly etches his name into the Top 5 MVP conversation.
  5. Aaron Rodgers - Packers have the Raiders and suddenly vulnerable Chiefs standing in the way of a 7-1 record. So yea, I think you are going to be hearing a little more Rodgers MVP buzz in the next few weeks. 
Pick: Houston (PK)

Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills (-17.5)
San Francisco 49ers @ Washington Redskins (+10.5)

I -- like 95% of America -- have the Buffallo Bills in my "Winners" survivor poll and the Washington Redskins in my "Loser" survivor poll.

So yea.

I can totally imagine how these two "easy pick blowouts" are about to go.

Pick: Dolphins (+17.5) Washington (+10.5)

Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions (+2.5)

Here are The Informer's favorite Draft Kings' lineups for today (note -- They all involve the "Lot Lazard" and the Miami Dolphins defense. So yolo wisely folks).

QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon Barkley
RB: Lataveous Murray
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Julio Jones
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: Hunter Henry
Flex: Josh Jacobs
D: Miami Dolphins

QB: Kyler Murray
RB: Saquon
RB: Dalvin Cook
WR: Lot Lazard
WR: M. Sanu
WR: Mike Williams
TE: Evan Engram
WR: T. McLaruin (Washington Rookie Stud)
D: Dolphins

QB: Matt Stafford
RB: Saquon
RB: D Cook
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Cooper Kupp
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: TJ Hockenson
Flex: Mike WIlliams
D: Dolphins

QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon
RB: Josh Jacobs
WR: Charks JR
WR: T.Y. Hilton
WR: McLaurin
TE: Hooper
FLex: Mark Andrews
D: Dolphins

Pick: Vikings (-2.5)

Oakland Raiders @ Green Bay Packers (-5)

If you couldn't tell from my last two sections; I totally think Aaron Rodgers is going to ride the Lot Lazard to a win and a spot in the MVP conversation this weekend.

Pick: Packers (-5)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Cincinnati Bengals (+4.5)

Here is this week's Blimpie Best meme of the Week:


It is funny because it is true #BradyIsThanos.

Pick: Bengals (+4.5)

Los Angeles Rams @ Atlanta Falcons (+3)

I have lost all the money I was allowed to gamble with in 2019 betting the Falcons to cover the last four weeks. So I might as well lose all the money "I am not allowed to gamble with" betting them not to cover.

Man I love gambling. It is so much fun.

#PleaseDon'tShowThisSectionToMyWifeOrMortgageHolder

Pick: Rams (-3)

San Diego Chargers @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)
Baltimore Ravens @ Seattle HGHawks (-2.5)

I am betting the Chargers. I am also betting the HGHawks. That is it for my analysis on these game.

Pick: HGHawks (-2.5) Chargers (+2.5)

New Orleans Saints @ Chicago Bears (-4.5)

When are people going to realize the New Orleans Saints --with or without Drew Brees -- are one of the Top 4 best "teams" in the NFL? I am guessing it will be on Monday after they beat the Chicago Trabanski's.

Pick: Saints (+4.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys (-2)

Call it a "Natty Light" hunch: But I think the Eagles win this game outright. So I will be grabbing the two points and enjoying the "Philly Special Cover" in Primetime.

(I told y'all The Informer mailed this one in #WhatTheFIsAPhillySpecialCover?)

Pick: Eagles (+2)

New England Patriots @ New York Jets (+10.5)

I want everyone to listen to me very carefully: Only the drunkest of fat morons would be dumb enough to bet against Tom Brady and Bill Belichick on Monday Night Football. I promise, this is not some kind of Natty Light mind trick into making everyone bet the Jets either. I am being 100% serious. There is literally zero logical reasoning to ever betting the Jets against Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots in primetime.

Pick: Jets (+10.5)

That is a wrap for today. Again I apologize for my performance. I know it was not good enough. I will try to be better next Sunday. With that said; have a great Week 7. I hope it is filled with healthy players, lots of winning parlays and enough Natty Lights to cry yourself to sleep waiting for the great Patrick Mahomes' knee cap to heal.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 50-41-1

Last Week: 7-7

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 4-1-1

Sunday, October 13, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 6


Here are The Informer's Week 6 2019 NFL Picks. As always, please remember to use these picks for degenerate and illegal purposes only. 

I hope you all enjoy (and win).

New York Giants @ New England Patriots (-17)

The Informer’s Proof of Thursday Night Pick Tweet:

Before we move on I would like to point out that there was no mention of the 1st half under in Primetime in the above tweet. This was done because for the foreseeable future I am no longer making the 1st half under a guaranteed great bet. So, until I say otherwise, the 1st half under in primetime -- while still my favorite bet of all time -- is not something I recommend on an automatic basis. It is now a case by case bet that I will make closer to kickoff depending on the points, teams and circumstances around the game.

Pick: Pats (-17)

Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay (+2.5)

Finally, The Informer has a Bloody excuse to start Hoovering down Pale Ale’s while the Buggers are still Kipping

Excellent

As for the Match itself; The Informer is putting a double Tenner on the Dodgy Bucs because London games tend to be Wonkier than a Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a Bog Roll in case the Bucs Shamble the bed, or that Knob Head "Run CMC' Throws a Spanner in the Works like a Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog

Either way, it will not matter if you have Twigs & Berries or a Fanny; if the Bucs can break Mike Evans out Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be Starkers Daft Cows eating Bangers and Chips while counting our Dobbers’s before going Off to Bedshore.

Shag Strawberry Creams and Arse. Easy Peasy One off Across the Pond wagers are Wicked Cool on Sundays.

Bob’s Your Uncle.

Pick: Tampa (+2.5)

Seattle HGHawks @ Cleveland Browns (+1)

85% of the public is betting against the home underdog who is due for a bounce back game after Taking the Piss on Monday Night Football. To answer the next question: Yes, The Informer is one of the 85 percenters.

Pick: HGHawks (-1)

Houston Texans @ Kansas City Chiefs (-4)

Patrick Mahomes is sort of injured. The Chiefs defensive sucks more than a hooker eating an extra large black licorice lollipop. And finally, Kansas City is 2-3 against the spread on the year including three straight no-covers.

What I am trying to say is: "I am obviously betting Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs". 

Pick: Chiefs (-4)

Washington Redskins @ Miami Dolphins (+3.5)

Hahahahahahahaha.

I love a good dumpster fire of a clogged toilet abortion joke. 

Well played NFL. Well played.

Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Minnesota Vikings (-3.5)

I’m supposed to bet Kirk Cousins as a 3.5 point favorite over the team many expect to be in the Final Four NFC teams come January?

In the words of Marsha Brady: "Sure Jan".

Pick: Eagles (+3.5)

New Orleans Saints @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-2.5)

Ladies and gentlemen here is the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:


#MakesSense #ClassicMilksteak

Pick: Saints (+2.5)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens (-11)

I took the “every person in the history of NFL suicide polls is picking the Ravens” in my NFL winner pool today.

So naturally, that means the Bengals are going to come out and play their best game of the year. I am just hoping their best game is not enough to win on the road. But just in case it does mean they can win this game; The Informer is going to hedge with a Bengals +11 bet. 

Pick: Bengals (+11)

San Francisco 49ers @ Los Angeles Rams (-3)

Gambling rules clearly state: “A gambler should not get enamored with a road team coming off of a Monday Night Football win where they looked like the best team in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!”

Pick: Rams (-3)

Atlanta Falcons @ Arizona Cardinals (+2.5)

I have never been a crackhead, but I assume that the cravings I get every week to bet the Falcons -- despite the thousands of dollars and teeth they have caused me -- is the same craving those heads of crack get when they go 24 hours without the rock pipe.

#Why can’t I quit you Matty Ryan?

Pick: Falcons (-2.5)

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Jets (-7)
Tennessee Titans @ Denver Donkeys (-1.5)

I am betting both the home teams. Feels like I am betting 0-2. #Yolo.

Pick: Jets (+7) Donkey’s (-1.5)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ San Diego Chargers (-6)

This game sucks, so instead of wasting my time pretending like I care what happens, here is an impromptu Twitter mailbag.
Is Captain Morgan Rum? If so it makes my Top 3. My list actually goes: Vodka, Captain Morgan and Goldschlager.

(PS-Chup and well done steak is the only way to go through life my friends.)
Answers in order:
  • Of course the moon landing was filmed in Hollywood. If you see it on TV then it is either fake, staged, rigged, scripted or all of the above. In this case; the government needed to keep the Flat Earth a secret so they hired Hollywood to fake a moon landing in order to keep the masses from knowing the truth. 
  • Did Harry Stamper save the world from a giant asteroid? Is The Informer 14.5 beers deep at 8:30 in morning? Is Cocaine a hell of a drug? Does Tom Brady have six Super Bowl rings? Does The Informer put cottage cheese on his lasagna? Is Pussy Control Prince’s best song? Is The Informer losing an NFL Picks contest to a 9-year old prodigy? Does Ketchup belong on steak? Are you picking up my answer through all of these cryptic questions?
  • Is it 14? I honestly don’t know.
The dinosaurs did not die, or go extinct. You know how I know? Because dinosaurs never really existed. They are a figment of Al Gore's imagination that Hollywood then used to make billions of dollars selling movies. Just like they did with Aliens, Predators, Sylvester Stallone and 1984 Delorean's with Lamborghini doors.

The answer to “why did you put the same movie into two different polls”, or "why did you spell 'insert any word' wrong in this tweet is simple: The Informer is an alcoholic.


The first Lord of the Rings (I have not seen the other two). I just did not like it so I skipped the next two.

I find it interesting that Smackdown has now become the A show after USA treated the WWE so well over the past 26 years. With that said; I stopped watching wrestling full time because they diluted the product to the point that I now settle for reading recaps and listening to podcasts over actually watching. So definitely take my thoughts on this matter with a grain of 1980s WWF cocaine. 

And finally, I was asked by a private account (which means I can't use their tweet as proof) to name my favorite kid movies I have watched with my children. To answer this question, I decided to make a list to show me and my children's actual favorite movies to watch together. Then I made a second list to show actual kid cartoon movies that we enjoy.

Here is our actual Top 5:
  • The New Power Rangers Movie
  • The New Ghostbusters movie
  • The Parent Trap
  • 3 Ninjas
  • The Original Ghostbusters movie
And here are our Top 5 kids (aka cartoon) movies:
  • The Lego Movie
  • Toy Story
  • Frozen
  • Moana
  • The Lion King
Speaking of The Lion King: The San Diego Chargers are The Informer's Lion King Lock of the week. The reason for this bet is because I have no idea who in the bluest of blue Hells the Steelers QB is. So I’m definitely not betting on him to play well in his first NFL start, on the road, and in Primetime.

Pick: Lion King Lock of the Week Chargers (-6)

Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers (-4)

Everyone grab your "mid-evil times" religious flogging device and repeat after me:

I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I WILL NOT BET AGAINST AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME!!!!

Are we all on the same “I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime” page?

Good. Great. Grand.

Pick: Packers (-4)

That is it for this week’s blog. I truly hope your Week 6 is filled with winning bets, covering teasers and all of the Natty Lights your liver can filter.

See you next Sunday.

Informer out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 43-34-1

Last Week: 8-6-1

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 4-1

Sunday, October 6, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 5



Los Angeles Rams @ Seattle HGHawks (PK)

The Informer’s proof of pick tweet:


Pick: HGHawks (PK)

Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers (+3)

I think the Ravens win this game. So I will be betting them. With that said, after back to back losses, I have decided Lamar Jackson is no longer in The Informer’s “expert opinion” Top 5 MVP rankings.

Speaking of which: Here are The Informer’s “expert opinion” Top 5 MVP rankings:
  1. Patrick Mahomes - The reigning 2018 NFL MVP had one of the worst games of his professional career last week and still ended up with 315 yards passing, 54 yards rushing and a 34-30 road victory. So yea, he is stays at number one for me.
  2. Russell Wilson - The HGHawks leader gets the benefit of already having won his Week 5 game, but even with the one game advantage it is hard to argue against Wilson -- and his 12-0 TD-INT ratio through five games -- being in the MVP talks.
  3. Tom Brady - One bad game (which the Pats won) does not take the great Tom Brady out of The Informer's MVP race. I am just saying; when the season ends and the Pats are 15-1 do you really think the voters are going to be talking about a Week 4 game against the Bills?
  4. Dak Prescott - I got Dak ahead of Aaron Rodgers for now.
  5. Aaron Rodgers - We will find out Sunday if it stays that way.  
Pick: Ravens (-3)

Chicago Bears @ Oakland Raiders (+5.5)

Normally The Informer would be a Skive Toff and put a Fiver on the Chav home underdogs. But wouldn’t you know it; this Bloody Match is taking place Across the Pond in Wembley Stadium. So the normal gambling Rubbish doesn’t count, even if It’s Monkeys Outside. So with that said; I like the Meat and Two Veg Chicago Bears to get Plastered and put the All to Pot John Gruden’s Into Her Majesty’s Pleasure. Obviously this bet won’t Horses for Courses. But if a few Bits n Bobs go Anorak, The Informer’s John Thomas will be going Off to Bedshore with an On the Pull Punter whose nice Strawberries and Cream are looking to get Up the Duff.

What The Informer is trying to say is grab some Fish n Chips, grill up the Bangers and turn the Telly on. Because on Sunday this Daft Cow is gonna Do Starkers like a Blighty Smeg creating a Dog’s Dinner for everyone.

Seriously you Wankers, this pick is Dog’s Bollocks.

Bob’s your uncle.

Pick: Bears (-5.5)

Arizona Cardinals @ Cincinnati Bengals (-3)
Jacksonville Jags @ Carolina Panthers (-3)

I am betting the two home teams. I literally have nothing else to add to this section of the blog.

Pick: Bengals (-3) Panthers (-3)

Minnesota Vikings @ New York Giants (+5.5)

Other than Dalvin Cook -- and maybe Evan Engram -- this game completely bores me. So instead of giving you hard gambling statistics as to why I am betting the Minnesota Vikings, here are three of The Informer’s favorite Draft King lineups for Sunday.

QB- Matty Ice
RB - Dalvin Cook
RB - Run CMC
WR - DJ Charks Jr
WR - Mohammad “What’s” Sanu
WR: Courtland Sutton
TE - Evan Engram
Flex - Miles Sanders (breakout week I think)
Defense- Panthers

QB - Thomas Brady
RB - Jordan Howard
RB - Run CMC
WR - DJ Chark Jr
WR - Courtland Sutton
Wr - Golden Tate
TE - Evan Engram
FLEX - Phillip Linsey
Defense- Patriots

QB- Lamar Jackson
RB - Leonard Fournette
RB - Derrick Henry
WR - Phillip Dorsett
WR- Mike Evans
WR - Courtland Sutton
TE- Austin Hooper
Flex - Mark Andrews
Defense- Pats

Pick: Vikings (-5.5)

New England Patriots @ Washington (+15.5)

Last night I had a dream The Informer was very upset that the Washington Redskins scored a last-minute touchdown to back door cover the spread and help Vegas screw 85% of the public who were betting the Patriots.

So obviously, since dreams are for suckers and never come true, I am going to be betting the Pats on Sunday.

Pick: Pats (-15.5)

New York Jets @ Philadelphia Eagles (-15)

Ladies and gentlemen here is the Blimpie Best Garner Milksteak meme of the Week:


#TheLegendContinues

Pick: Jets (+15)

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans Saints (-3)

My hard hitting gambling analysis is this: I am going to bet the Saints at home because I don’t see Tampa Bay beating the Rams-Saints on the road in back to back weeks.

Pick: Saints (-3)

Atlanta Falcons @ Houston Texans (-4)

I think this tweet pretty well sums up how I feel about this game:

Pick: Falcons (+4)

Buffalo Bills @ Tennessee Titans (-3)

Has anyone mentioned that this is a rematch of the “Music City Miracle” game? No? Just me? I am the only person in the entire internet who remembers the "Music City Miracle"?

That is strange.

Anyways, which means please don’t make me bring up Frank Reich’s comeback as well, I am betting the Bills because I love Josh Allen.

Pick: Bills (+3)

Denver Broncos @ San Diego Chargers (-5.5)

Me: The Denver Donkey’s really suck at football. I mean they are total garbage trash sh*t.

Also Me: Give me a unit on the Donkey’s +5.5. I got a good feeling about them this week.

Pick: Donkey’s (+5.5)

Green Bay Packers @ Dallas Cowboys (-3)

Aaron Rodgers getting points in Dallas is a bet I am willing to wager on.

Pick: Packers (+3)

Indianapolis Colts @ Kansas City Chiefs (-12.5)

I have decided that I am going to bet on Patrick Mahomes every single game from now until the day he reitres. I don’t care the points, the teams, or the situation: If Mahomes is playing The Informer is betting his side.

Pick: Chiefs (-12.5)

Cleveland Browns @ San Francisco 49ers (-3.5)

Before we get to my Monday Night football pick -- and wrap this blog up -- I thought we could do a quick impromptu Twitter mailbag?

Doesn’t that sound fun?

Okay, here we go:

The Joker, Darth Vader, Kate from Titanic and Danielson.


You mean where a disgruntled team owners drops all of his players and totally Throws a Spanner in the Works for the entire league? I absolutely f***ing hate it. If your team sucks, or a guy gets injured, or you didn't know the rules and drafted like a Tosser; don't be a Knob Head by "sabotage dropping" your team so that the entire league is ruined. Accept the fact that you are a Fanny Arse and take your beating like the Bugger you are.



I once ate a footlong Blimpe Best with an 8oz "well done" ribeye steak on the side --with ketchup of course -- and washed it down with a tall boy Natty Light. That's gonna be pretty tough to beat.

There has literally never been anything truer in the history of the flat Earth.

I have no idea what in the blue hell QBR is. So I don’t really know how or what they measure it by. But I will say if Patrick Mahomes is the current QBR leader then they are probably doing it correctly.

I haven’t seen Joker yet, but it looks like a movie that I will probably watch when it comes available on DVD.


I had trouble narrowing it down to just five things, so instead I went and bought a bigger time capsule box and put all of these items in.
  • My Randy Moss Vikings #84 jersey I’ve had since 1998.
  • A Blimpie’s free sandwich punch card.
  • An Armageddon BlueRay disc.
  • A Twinkie (since they don’t expire)
  • A 40oz of Natty Light.
  • My PlayStation3 (I’m not giving up my PS4 for a time capsule).
  • This link to the “One Night in Paris” X-rated movie.
  • Tom Brady
  • A Nickelback greatest hits CD.
  • A VHS tape of the Nebraska Cornhuskers winning the 1996 Fiesta Bowl.
  • The October 1989 edition of Playboy magezine.
  • A bottle of Heinz 57 ketchup (just in case they still have steak in the future).
  • A pair of Allen Iverson “The Answer 3” shoes.
  • A log of Skoal Mint long cut.
  • It’s Always Sunny complete seasons DVd set.
  • A box of Magnum condoms.
  • Bill Simmons’ Book of Basketball
  • A pack of Pall Mall reds.
  • Rollerblades.
  • And finally, this picture of Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter shirtless.


  1. Twix and Scream - Twix is my favorite candy and Scream is my favorite scary movie franchise. So obviously they go together like lamb and tuna salad.
  2. Milky Way and Ernest Scared Stupid - When I think about my childhood I think about Milky Ways and Ernest (that’s not really true, but it sounds good so I'm gonna leave it in the blog).
  3. Snickers and Friday the 13th - Snickers and Jason have been haunting camp counselors since they were invented.
  4. P.B. Cups and Halloween- I feel like PB cups are the original candy of the world and Michael Myers is the original Horror movie villain. So naturally they have to be paired together.
  5. Skittles and A Nightmare on Elm Street - Skittles have five flavors and Freddy Kruger has five knives as fingers? Does that work? Or is The Informer drunk again? Maybe we should move on?

I searched the internet for at least six minutes and I could not find any scientific evidence, or Al Gore quotes, that would disprove the theory that Chicken Nuggets are the perfect food.


Thank you for the great tweet and the many great questions. I really appreciate it. As for the answers: Miami. You misspelled Blimpies. Yes. All in the Family is not in my Top 10. And finally, Natty Light is not beer --it is the nectar of the Tim Tebow’s.


Yes the Browns will make the playoffs. In fact, not only are the Browns going to make the playoffs, I think they are going to beat the 49ers outright on Monday Night football. Which of course means I have not choice but to make the Browns (+3.5) The Informer's Week 5 Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Browns (+3.5)

That is a wrap for folks. Once again I want to thank everyone on Twitter who took the time to ask me a question and helped make this blog great again.

I really do appreciate you all.

And finally, I hope everyone reading this has a happy Sunday filled with winning parlays, backdoor covers, Patrick Mahomes touchdowns and all of the Natty Lights your liver can handle.

Informer out.


THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 35-28

Last Week: 8-7

LKLOTW: 2-2

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 3-1

Saturday, September 7, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 1



Welcome ladies and gentlemen to Season 12 of The Informer’s NFL Picks blog. For those of you that are new here, my name is The Informer and I will be your host for the duration of the 2019 NFL Season.

Now, before we get to the Week 1 picks, I would like to share a few reasons as to why it would be beneficial to your well being for you to read this blog each and every week.

Here goes:
  • Nine of the past 11 seasons I have finished over 50% against the spread.
  • In 2018, The Informer’s picks handed out 10 winning weeks, three break even weeks and only four losing weeks.
  • Also in 2018, The Informer finished with an overall record of 136-113-7 against the spread. This means if you would have bet $100 on every game I picked you would have finished up $2,230 on the season
  • Lastly, I spend way too much time and energy watching football and writing this blog; so if you all read it every week it will make me feel like I am special. And we all know in 2019 that making someone feel special is the wokest thing a person can do. 
Ok, now that we got the "why" out of the way, here are The Informer’s 11 commandments for 2019 NFL gambling.

(Remember These are steadfast rules that should never be broken unless you have a really strong gut feeling that the rule should be broken.)
  1. Double digit underdogs like to cover.
  2. If 80% of the bets are going one way, you need to zag the other way (there is a reason Vegas keeps building Casino’s and it’s not because the obvious bet keeps hitting)
  3. Don’t bet against Tom Brady unless he is playing in Miami. You hate winning bets. You think he is going to have one of his “bad” regular season games where the media starts the “he is to old” storyline. Or you like to throw away money.
  4. Be scared of home underdogs (unless said home dog is the Miami Dolphins).
  5. Don’t ever, not even if there is a fire, bet against Patrick Mahomes, Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady in Primetime.
  6. When in doubt bet the team with the better QB.
  7. Always take the points when two bad teams are playing.
  8. Seriously, the Miami Dolphins are gonna suck.
  9. The 1st half under in Primetime.
  10. No such thing as a stay away. Gotta bet everything and anything. The more bets you make the more chances you have to win all the money.
  11. And finally, Week 1 is an absolute crapshoot where anything and anything can and will happen. So be prepared for wild outcomes you did not see coming (because they are going to happen). 
And on that note, here are Week 1 of The Informer’s 2019 NFL Picks. As always please remember to gamble with reckless abandon and absolutely zero regard for human life.
Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears (-3)

The Informer’s proof of pick Thursday Night Football tweet:


Pick: Packers (+3)

Tennessee Titans at Cleveland Browns (-5.5)

I want everyone to know, if the Browns are awesome this year they will become my fourth favorite team behind AJ Green, Patrick Mahomes and Tom Brady. Of course, if they pull a Browns and are still the Cleveland Browns, you can go ahead and disregard this entire section.

Pick: Titans (+5.5)

Baltimore Ravens at a Miami Dolphins (+7)

Two fun facts about this game:
  1. The Baltimore Ravens have won three straight Week 1 games by a combined score of 80-10.
  2. 85% of the gambling public is betting the Baltimore Ravens against a team that has covered six straight Week 1 games.
So the book says I should take the Dolphins because of the 85% rule. But my gut is telling me I should take the “always prepared for Week 1 Ravens” because the Miami Dolphins are going to be a dumpster fire of an abortion in 2019.

So what should I do?

Follow the fat famous Informer gut? Or stick to the basics book?

In the end, I decided to follow my gut and bet the Ravens for the sole purpose that I don’t want to root for trash bets in Week 1.

I will say this though, people need to tread very carefully in their NFL wins/loss survivor polls. This is exactly the type of Week 1 game that goes south fast for those people who grab the "obvious" Week 1 team.

Pick: Ravens (-6.5)

Atlanta Falcons at Minnesota Vikings (-4)

I think the Falcons are going to win this game, win the NFC South and make a run at the NFC Title game. So yea, I’ll be grabbing the points Week 1.

Pick: Falcons (+4)

Buffalo Bills at New York Jets (-3)

I’m actually really excited to watch Darnold vs “The Canon Rocket Missile” this week. But, since I’m running out of room, I am going to use this section  to post the Blimpies Best meme of the week:


LOL . . . That’s a good one. #ROACFWATRWLMFO

(Translation - Rolling on a concrete floor with a throw rug while laughing my face off.)

Pick: Bills (+3)

Washington Redskins @ Philadelphia Eagles (-10.5)

Things I would rather do than bet the double-digit underdog Washington Redskins in Week 1:

Go on a diet. Tell my wife to calm down. Bet the 1st half over in Primetime. Start Mitch Trabanski in fantasy football. Drink Miller Lite. Give a random person on Twitter $20 for re-tweeting the link to this article. Watch a Paranormal Activities movies. Go into the Upside Down. Wear Antonio Brown's frozen cryo-chambers socks into a frozen cryo-chamber. Eat a steak without ketchup. Stop doing Twitter Polls. Talk politics with anyone. And finally I would rather give up fantasy football, gambling and drinking Natty Lights all day every Sunday of the 2019 NFL Season.

Unfortunately for me, the rules are the rules for a reason.

Pick: Washington (+10.5)

Los Angeles Rams at Carolina Panthers (+1)

This line started at three and has since moved two points. This means that Vegas is getting a ton of money on the Panthers to cover. This also means that Vegas is going to be rooting hard for the defending NFC Champions to come through for them.

Once again I wonder which side The Informer should take? The betting public who doesn’t build Casinos, or the team that Vegas wants to win and also happens to be the best team in the NFC?

This is a tough one (it’s not really that tough though).

Pick: Rams (-1)

Kansas City Chiefs at Jacksonville Jaguars (+3.5)

The first rule of never betting against Patrick Mahomes is: “You never bet against Patrick Mahomes."

The second rule of never betting against Patrick Mahomes is: “You never bet against Patrick Mahomes.”

What I am trying to say is: "The Informer will not be betting against Patrick Mahomes this week. "

Also, I honestly think this might be the only time this season you will be able to bet the Chiefs as a less than seven point favorite. So load it up on Sunday and enjoy the Mahomes show.

(Informer fantasy football note — Mecole Hardman is getting a touchdown Week 1. So if you are in a need for an Antonio Brown replacement, pick up the Chief’s rookie speedster.)

Pick: Chiefs (-3.5)

Indianapolis Colts at San Diego Chargers (-7)

The Chargers are without their second best offensive player (Melvin Gordon) and their best defensive player (Derwin James). They are playing in a “home” stadium that will be filled with Colts fans. And everyone is betting them despite the fact that the Colts have the better coach, better defense, better offensive line and Darius “I’m about to break 200 tackles” Leonard.

Listen, I know Andrew is gone (I miss him just as much as everyone else), but the fact is this Colts team is stacked with talent. So if Brissett can be 75% of Andrew Luck — Which he can— than the Colts are going to be a tough out for anyone.

I’m not saying the Colts win, but I think they hang close and definitely cover.

Pick: Colts (+7)

Cincinnati Bengals at Seattle HGHawks (-9)

Since I don’t have anything interesting to say about the Bengals or HGHawks this week, here are a few of my favorite season long prop bets that I made:
  • Leonard Fournette over 989.5 yards rushing.
  • Nick Chubb over 1050.5 yards rushing.
  • Saquon Barkley over 1885.5 total receiving and rushing yards.
  • Dalvin Cook over 6.5 rush TDs.
  • Patrick Mahomes o37 TD passes and 4,650 yards.
  • Tom Brady u29.5 TD passes.
  • Nick Foles under 3,750.5 yards passing.
  • Joe Flacco o16.5 TD passes.
  • David Johnson over 1580.5 total rushing and receiving yards.
  • LeVeon Bell o9.5 rushing touchdowns.
And some team over/under bets:
  • Cards u5.5
  • Falcons o8.5
  • Ravens o8.5
  • Chiefs o10.5
  • Dolphins u4.5
  • Pats o11.5
  • Steelers o9.5
  • HGHawks o8.5
  • Washington u6.5
And of course The Informer’s division winners and Super Bowl pick.

AFC - Pats, Steelers, Titans and Chiefs

NFC - Dallas, Rams, Falcons and Packers

Super Bowl - Pats or Chiefs defeat Packers or Rams

Pick: HGHawks (-9)

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (-7.5)

Here is something kind of fun, my friend and former editor — Nik Swartz — has a 9-year old son who is getting into the NFL Picks game. And of course being the new guy in the business, Mr. AC decided he wanted to take on the best in the world so he challenged The Informer to a one on one picks off.

Well Mr. AC, consider your challenge accepted. But I must warn you, there will be no taking it easy just because you are the new guy. No, sir. I’m telling you right now that when you mess with The Informer —you get the horns my friend.

All trash talk aside, I truly do wish you luck young AC. You are gonna need it.

AC’s Picks to win: Bears, Rams, Eagles, Jets, Vikings, Ravens, Chiefs, Browns, Chargers, Hawks, 49ers, Dallas, Lions, Pats, Saints & Raiders.

AC's Picks ATS: Bears (L), Rams (-1), Eagles (-10), Bills (+3), Vikings (-4), Ravens (-6.5), Chiefs (-3.5), Browns (-5.5), Chargers (-7), HGHawks (-9), 49ers (PK), Giants (+7.5), Lions (-3), Pats (-5.5), Texans (+7) and Raiders (+1)

As for the Cowboys-Giants game itself? I am grabbing the 7.5 points. I think this is one of those “Saquon did what” type of games which allows the Giants to hang close.

Pick: Giants (+7.5)

Detroit Lions at Arizona Cardinals (+2.5)

You know how they tell you not to go grocery shopping on an empty stomach? Because your mind will keep thinking how hungry you are and thus you end up buying tons of  food that you know you don't need and that is definitely not good for your health?

That’s how I feel about this game. I am so starved for NFL gambling that I talked myself into the definitely bad for me idea of betting on a rookie quarterback making his first career start and a first year coach who couldn’t beat Baylor last season.

This should end well (shaking head no).

#DontGambleOnAnEmptyStomach

Pick: Cardinals (+2.5)

San Francisco 49ers at Tampa Bay (PK)

Do you know how many NFL players have started their careers with six straight 1,000 yard receiving seasons?

Just one. The great Randy Moss.

With that said, did you also know that Tampa Bay WR Mike Evans is entering his sixth year in the NFL with five straight 1,000 yard season?

Just saying, keep your eye on Mike this year as he has a chance to make some history.

As for the game, count me in on the Bruce Arians is going to “QB Whisper” Jameis Winston into a franchise guy.

Pick: Tampa Bay (PK)

Pittsburgh Steelers at New England Patriots (-5.5)

Do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . DO NOT BET AGAINST TOM BRADY IN PRIMETIME!!!

Are we all on the same "do not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime" page?

Pick: LKLOTW Pats (-5.5)

Houston Texans at New Orleans Saints (-7)

The New Orleans Saints have lost five straight Week 1 games.

In the words of Forrest Gump: “That’s all I have to say about that.”

Pick: Texans (+7)

Denver Donkey's @ Oakland Raiders (+1)


So here is what I wrote for this section at 0530am central time on Saturday Morning before the AB news broke:

"Randy Moss scored 11 touchdowns as a member of the Raiders. So my question is: Will Antonio Brown finish his Raiders career with more or less touchdowns then Randy Moss? I’m taking the under. I’m also taking the Donkey’s to win and cover this spread."

I guess that counts as another win, right? #JustWow. #PleaseSignWithThePatsOrChiefsAB

Pick: Donkey’s (-1)

That’s a wrap folks. Damn it is good to have football back. I hope everyone reading this has a glorious opening Sunday filled with Natty Lights, winning parlays and all the back door covers your heart desires.

See you next week.

Informer out.



The Informer after the blog note- I am posting below the video of young AC making his picks. Feel free to check it out and follow him on YouTube. I got to say the young man definitely has good camera presence and the gift of storytelling. I think he just might be going places. Keep up the good work kid.