The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 7

I am not going to lie; due to the Patrick Mahomes injury The Informer does not really feel like writing this blog today. I mean first it was Kevin Durant's achilles tendon. Then AJ Green's ankle gets mangled because the Bengals were practicing on the Sandlot. Then Andrew Luck retires from football altogether. And now Patrick Mahomes dislocates his kneecap doing a routine quarterback sneak?

That is literally all four of my favorite teams being taken from me in the middle of their primes. I suppose this is probably just the sports Tebow's sending karma my way for liking players -- and rooting for Tom Brady all the time -- but whatever is going on it absolutely sucks donkey balls and makes me want to cry.

Don't worry. I promise I will not cry (at least not until I drink a few more Nattys). But I do have to warn everyone reading; The Informer completely mailed this blog in. My mind is here (so the picks are solid), but my heart and spirit are to beaten down to make this an entertaining and informative read.

So I apologize in advance for my piss poor effort and execution today. It is just a really tough time in The Informer's life. I hope you all can understand that while also respecting The Informer's feelings in this terrible time of mourning.

Anyways, now that we gotten the excuses out of the way, here are The Informer's Week 7 2019 NFL Picks.

As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Donkeys (+3)

The Informer's proof of Thursday Night Football Pick:

I taking the Chiefs -3 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 17, 2019

Pick: Chiefs (-3)

Arizona Cardinals @ New York Giants (-3)

In the name of mourning -- and mailing this blog in -- here are 10 random stats about the number three heading into Week 7.

1. Tom Brady needs 3 TD passes to reach 530 total for his career.
2. Mathew Stafford needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Tony Romo & Boomer Easison and into the Top 22 all time.
3. Russell Wilson needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Matt Hasselback and Terry Bradshaw and into the Top 35 all-time.
4. Andy Dalton needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Ken Anderson and into the Top 45 all-time.
5. Ryan Fitzpatrick needs 3 TD passes to move into the Top 50 all-time.
6. Newly minted Titans starter Ryan "RT1" Tannehill needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Archie Manning and into the Top 105 all-time.
7. Jameis Winston needs 3 TD to move ahead of Chad Pennington and into the Top 130 all-time.
8. Carson Wentz needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Bill Munson and into the Top 156 all-time.
9. DeShaun Watson needs 3 TD passes to reach 60 career touchdown and move into the Top 194 all-time.
10. And finally, Kyler Murray needs 3 TD passes to become the first 2019 NFL rookie quarterback to reach 10 career TD passes.

Pick: Cards (+3)

(The Informer after the stats note - Jags rookie Gardner Milksteak actually has 9 TD passes on the year. So chances are the man, the myth, the legend will be the first to reach 10 TD passes. But that little fact didn't really go with my theme here; so I fudged the numbers a bit to make them work in my favor. Again, The Informer is mourning the loss of Patrick Mahomes, so please ignore the actual scientific facts and pretend what I was saying works. Thanks. I appreciate it.)

Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts (PK)

With Patrick Mahomes officially out of the MVP debate, here are The Informer's Top 5 2019 NFL MVPs:

1. Russell Wilson - Explanation is simple: He is the 2019 NFL MVP through six weeks.
2. Tom Brady - If the Patriots go undefeated we will have to at least discuss Tommy right?
3. Run CMC - Dude is going to break the NFL All purpose yardage record. That has to count for something.
4. DeShaun Watson - If Watson goes into Indy and wins this weekend -- which he will -- I think he firmly etches his name into the Top 5 MVP conversation.
5. Aaron Rodgers - Packers have the Raiders and suddenly vulnerable Chiefs standing in the way of a 7-1 record. So yea, I think you are going to be hearing a little more Rodgers MVP buzz in the next few weeks. 

Pick: Houston (PK)

Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills (-17.5)
San Francisco 49ers @ Washington Redskins (+10.5)

I -- like 95% of America -- have the Buffallo Bills in my "Winners" survivor poll and the Washington Redskins in my "Loser" survivor poll.

So yea.

I can totally imagine how these two "easy pick blowouts" are about to go.

Pick: Dolphins (+17.5) Washington (+10.5)

Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions (+2.5)

Here are The Informer's favorite Draft Kings' lineups for today (note -- They all involve the "Lot Lazard" and the Miami Dolphins defense. So yolo wisely folks).

QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon Barkley
RB: Lataveous Murray
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Julio Jones
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: Hunter Henry
Flex: Josh Jacobs
D: Miami Dolphins

QB: Kyler Murray
RB: Saquon
RB: Dalvin Cook
WR: Lot Lazard
WR: M. Sanu
WR: Mike Williams
TE: Evan Engram
WR: T. McLaruin (Washington Rookie Stud)
D: Dolphins

QB: Matt Stafford
RB: Saquon
RB: D Cook
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Cooper Kupp
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: TJ Hockenson
Flex: Mike WIlliams
D: Dolphins

QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon
RB: Josh Jacobs
WR: Charks JR
WR: T.Y. Hilton
WR: McLaurin
TE: Hooper
FLex: Mark Andrews
D: Dolphins

Pick: Vikings (-2.5)

Oakland Raiders @ Green Bay Packers (-5)

If you couldn't tell from my last two sections; I totally think Aaron Rodgers is going to ride the Lot Lazard to a win and a spot in the MVP conversation this weekend.

Pick: Packers (-5)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Cincinnati Bengals (+4.5)

Here is this week's Blimpie Best meme of the Week:

It is funny because it is true #BradyIsThanos.

Pick: Bengals (+4.5)

Los Angeles Rams @ Atlanta Falcons (+3)

I have lost all the money I was allowed to gamble with in 2019 betting the Falcons to cover the last four weeks. So I might as well lose all the money "I am not allowed to gamble with" betting them not to cover.

Man I love gambling. It is so much fun.

#PleaseDon'tShowThisSectionToMyWifeOrMortgageHolder

Pick: Rams (-3)

San Diego Chargers @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)
Baltimore Ravens @ Seattle HGHawks (-2.5)

I am betting the Chargers. I am also betting the HGHawks. That is it for my analysis on these game.

Pick: HGHawks (-2.5) Chargers (+2.5)

New Orleans Saints @ Chicago Bears (-4.5)

When are people going to realize the New Orleans Saints --with or without Drew Brees -- are one of the Top 4 best "teams" in the NFL? I am guessing it will be on Monday after they beat the Chicago Trabanski's.

Pick: Saints (+4.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys (-2)

Call it a "Natty Light" hunch: But I think the Eagles win this game outright. So I will be grabbing the two points and enjoying the "Philly Special Cover" in Primetime.

(I told y'all The Informer mailed this one in #WhatTheFIsAPhillySpecialCover?)

Pick: Eagles (+2)

New England Patriots @ New York Jets (+10.5)

I want everyone to listen to me very carefully: Only the drunkest of fat morons would be dumb enough to bet against Tom Brady and Bill Belichick on Monday Night Football. I promise, this is not some kind of Natty Light mind trick into making everyone bet the Jets either. I am being 100% serious. There is literally zero logical reasoning to ever betting the Jets against Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots in primetime.

Pick: Jets (+10.5)

That is a wrap for today. Again I apologize for my performance. I know it was not good enough. I will try to be better next Sunday. With that said; have a great Week 7. I hope it is filled with healthy players, lots of winning parlays and enough Natty Lights to cry yourself to sleep waiting for the great Patrick Mahomes' knee cap to heal.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 50-41-1

Last Week: 7-7

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 4-1-1

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 4

 

Q: Nice call on the 1st half under in primetime last night Informer. And by nice call I obviously mean total sh**. Seriously, you follow up a 7-9 Week 3 with an under bet that was damn near covered by both teams individually? Is it hard to suck that bad at life? Or do you come by it naturally? Honestly, I would call you trash, but that would be an insult to trash. Why don't you do the world a favor and delete your blog already?

Well, I sure am glad I decided to start this week's article with some emails from the made up readers. That looks like it was a real smart decision. On the bright side, at least I was not called fat or ugly this time.

Q: One more thing Informer, you are an ugly overweight wilderbeast. 

I walked right into that one. But for real, are there any actual sports or gambling questions?

Q: I got one Informer: What is the one thing you hate the most about the 2019 NFL Season?

The thing I hate the most about the 2019 NFL Season -- other than Andrew Luck retiring -- is the new pass interference challenge rule. The thing is an absolute disaster. The refs apparently have been told to not change the call on the field unless one of three things happens 1) Vegas needs the team who would benefit from the challenge to win/cover. 2) A murder, rape or shooting takes place. 3) The refs missed an egregious pass inference call (whatever the f*** that means)?

Just look at what happened on Thursday night. The refs had three chances to change obvious pass inference missed calls and each time they totally ignored the video evidence and stuck with the non-call on the field.

So my question becomes: Why the hell do we even have the new rule if they are not going to use it to get the call right?

And don't give me this "it has to be egregious" (seriously I don't even think that is a real word) crap. If there is an obvious pass interference -- like the Eagles defensive player grabbing, hitting, punching, impeding, holding, inappropriately touching and obviously interfering with the receiver -- then use the technology to make the right call.

I guess my point is this: If they are not going to change these calls when its obvious, then why even use the technology? Just go back to the old way and we can all live with the bad call on the field. At least that would be better than getting boned over by the call a second time when the refs see the video evidence and still refuse to admit they f***ed up.

Q: Okay Informer, what is the one thing you love the most?

I will give you two: Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes. They are awesome and my favorite thing about every NFL football Sunday.

Q: Is Felix Hernandez a Hall of Famer?

Ummm . . .Wrong blog dude (my answer is no though).

Q: Who are your Top 5 MVP candidates through three weeks?

1. Patrick Mahomes - No one has been better then Patrick Mahomes through three weeks. 
2. Tom Brady - No one not named Patrick Mahomes has been better than Tom Brady through three weeks.
3. Lamar Jackson - Losing a shoot-out against Patrick Mahomes doesn't drop Lamar out of my Top 5 MPV rankings. But I am watching to see how he responds in Week 4 against the Browns. 
4. Dalvin Cook - Cook is on pace for 2,400 total yards from scrimage on a team that is going to be fighting for a playoff spot. Sounds like an MVP candidate to me. 
5. Aaron Rodgers - If Aaron Rodgers is going to lead the Packers to the NFC North Championship (which I am predicting) he is going to be in the MVP conversation.

Q: How can you call yourself an expert at making NFL picks when you are getting smoked by a nine year old? You are a fraud Informer. You somehow tricked people into thinking you knew something when the reality is anyone can do what you do. Even a kid.

Have you ever heard of Bobby Fisher? Or Adam Banks? Or MacCaulley Culkin? Or Young Sheldon?

Those "kids" as you call them happened to be prodigies. You know what a prodigy is? Its a person who is a genius even though the outside world would call them a "kid".

Well guess what, I am starting to think "Young AC" is a prodigy when it comes to making NFL picks.

So yea, I take absolute no shame in getting beat by a genius. Furthermore, if being a fraud means I am going to keep my six games above .500 record (27-21 ATS) throughout the season -- along with my "winning 80% of the time" first half under in Primetime bets -- then please sign me up as the biggest fraud on the internet. 

Because if being that fraud means winning, I am happy to keep up the act.

And on that note, here are The Informer's Week 4 NFL Picks.

As always please remember that these picks are only to be used for shady illegal bets made with guys named "Slim", "Suds", "Big Tuna", "Jim" or anything that rhymes with the words "Slick Willy", "Big Wussy" or "Small Rick".

Philadelphia Eagles @ Green Bay Packers (-4)

The Informer's proof of Thursday Night Football Pick:

Give me Eagles +4.5 and 1st half under 22.5 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 26, 2019

Pick: Eagles (+4)

Carolina Panthers @ Houston Texans (-5)

Is a guy named Kyle really going to win back to back NFL road games? Just seems far-fetched to me.

Pick: Texans (-5)

Cleveland Browns @ Baltimore Ravens (-7)

I have zero scientific logic, theories on the flat Earth, or gambling statistics to back up my pick; but I am grabbing the points and betting the Browns. 

Pick: Browns (+7)

Washington Redskins @ New York Giants (-3)

When two crappy teams are playing against each other the rules clearly state one must always take the points. Even if that means betting the Redskins on the road.

Pick: Washington (+3)

San Diego Chargers @ Miami Dolphins (+15.5)

Normally, since I took the Chargers in my winners suicide poll, I would bet the Dolphins as a just in case hedge bet. But I am not going to do that today and here is why: The Miami clogged toilets suck donkey rectum and I refuse to put money on them.

How’s that for scientific gambling data.

Pick: Chargers (-15.5)

Oakland Raiders @ Indianapolis Colts (-7)

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again with the same results. Yet here I am, totally not insane, once again betting the Oakland Raiders as a heavy road underdog.

In the words of the great Roy Munson: "Who you calling a psycho?"

Pick: Raiders (+7)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Detroit Lions (+7)

For fun here is one of the DraftKings lineups The Informer set up for today:

QB: Mahomes

RB: McCoy
RB: Williams (the non injured one)
WR: Sammy Watkins
WR: D. Robinson (from Chiefs)
WR: Mecole Hardman
TE: Travis Kelce
Flex: D. Freeman (Falcons)
D: Chiefs

I guess what I’m trying to say is I think the Chiefs are about to have a huge day.

Pick: Chiefs (-7)

New England Patriots @ Buffalo Bills (-7)

The Buffalo Bills are 3-0 when I use their section of the blog to hand out the Blimpie Best meme of the week. So for the sake of trying to help the Billsmafia out here is the Blimpies Best meme of the Week: 

Picks: Pats (-7)

Tennessee Titans @ Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)

Here are 10 random stats that I found interesting heading into the Week 4 season.

1. The New England Patriots defense is on pace to only give up 90.6 points this season.
2. The NFL record is currently held by the Chicago Bears who in 1985 gave up 198 total points.
3. Tom Brady needs 414 yards to pass Drew Brees for third place all time.
4. Tom Brady's career high for passing yards in the city of Buffalo is 466.
5. Larry Fitzgerald needs five receptions to pass Tony Gonzalez for second place all time.
6. Julio Jones needs four more yards to reach 11,000 career receiving yards.
7. If Jones surpasses the mark today, he will have accomplished the feat in just nine season and 114 career games.
8. For comparison sake: It took Jerry Rice nine seasons and 133 games to surpass 11k.
9. Speaking of milestones and records -- AC the Gambling Kid Prodigy -- is currently 35-12-1 with his straight up NFL picks and 29-19 against the spread. 
10. To put that in perspective: According to NFL picks watch dot com his 29-19 record ATS is the third best of any expert on the internet. 

As for this game, The Informer is completely stealing AC's pick and laying the points #As the old saying goes: "If you can't beat the prodigy, use his picks to make yourself look better and make money".

Pick: LKLOTW Falcons (-3.5)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Los Angeles Rams (-10.5)

Sticking with "AC the Prodigy" here are his Week 4 picks. If you would like to get his reasoning behind the picks please click this link and go watch his YouTube video. I am not lying when I say the kid has massive talent.

AC against the Spread: Packers (-4) Falcons (-3.5), Giants (-3), Chargers (-15.5), Raiders (+7), Texans (-5), Chiefs (-7), Pats (-7), Rams (-10.5), Hawks (-5.5), Bears (PK), Jags (+2.5), Cowboys (-2.5) & Steelers (-3)

AC straight up to win: Packers, Giants, Chargers, Raiders, Texans, Chiefs, Ravens, Pats, Rams, Hawks, Bears, Jags, Boys & Steelers

Pick: Tampa (+10.5)

Seattle HGHAWKS @ Arizona Cardinals (+5.5)

Minnesota Vikings @ Chicago Bears (PK)

Two road teams that the majority of the public betting money is backing.

What could go wrong?

Pick: Vikings (PK) HGHawks (-5.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Denver Donkeys (-2.5)

10 random Gardner Milksteak facts:

1. When "The Milksteak" gives you the finger, he is telling you how many seconds you have before he throws a touchdown pass.
2. Gardner Milksteak can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you have ever tasted.
3. There is no play clock in games involving Gardner, because "The Milksteak" decides what time it is.
4. Gardner Milksteaks real name is Gardner Minshew.
5. Gardner Milksteak tells Simon what to do.
6. Gardner Milksteak refers to himself in the fourth person.
7. Every time Gardner Milksteak throws an interception a Unicorn is born. It's just to bad that the Milksteak never throws interceptions.
8. Gardner Milksteak can throw a football right between a cyclops eye.
9. Gardner Milksteak can cut a butter knife with a football.
10. And finally, Gardner Milksteak eats pieces of Denver Donkey's for breakfast. 

Pick: Jags (+2.5)

Dallas Cowboys @ New Orleans Saints (+2.5)

The Saints backup quarterback tricks were fun for a week, but I don't think they can do it two weeks in a row.

Pick: Cowboys (-2.5)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-3)

Nope. Not doing it. Next.

“Informer you can’t do the next gimmick, this is the Monday night football game.”

Wait, again? Are you serious? What did ESPN do to make the NFL so mad at them?

Yikes. 

Well, I am obviously not going to waste any time talking about the Steelers or the Bengals, so how about I just remind everyone that the 1st half under is 21.5 and wrap this blog up.

Is that a good plan?

Awesome.

Pick: Steelers (-3)

That’s it for Week 4. Good luck to everyone reading. I truly hope your Sunday is filled with Natty Light, winning parlays and enough back door covers to build your own Blimpies sub shop.

See y’all next week.

Informer out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 27-21

Last Week: 7-9

LKLOTW: 2-1

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 2-1

(The Informer after the blog straight up to win picks: Packers, Falcons, Chargers, Colts, Chiefs, Ravens, Pats, Rams, Hawks, Vikings, Donkeys, Boys, Steelers)

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 2

Here are The Informer’s Week 2 NFL Picks. As always, please remember that these picks are only to be used for reckless and illegal gambling purposes.

Tampa Bay @ Carolina Panthers (-6.5)

Proof of Thursday night pick tweet:

I’m taking the Panthers (-6.5) and the thing I said I would no longer talk about under 24 #TNF # pic.twitter.com/Qm8xAJ5MTZ

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 12, 2019

Pick: Carolina (-6.5)

San Francisco 49ers @ Cincinnati Bengals (PK)

Me: Okay Informer, if you are ever going to be taken seriously as a writer you need to cutdown on the bull crap. That means no more random out of context tidbits, stories or rants. I’m being serious Informer. From this point forward useless facts and tangents are strictly forbidden.

Also me:

Did you know the 49ers and Bengals have a total of 34 combined letters in their names (17 for each team)? Did you also know that is not the most combined letters for two teams playing against each other? Nope there are actually four NFL combinations (all involving the Jacksonville Jaguars) that have a total of 37 combined letters.

Those matchups are

Jacksonville Jaguars and Pittsburgh Steelers
Jacksonville Jaguars  and Washington Redskins
Jacksonville Jaguars and Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Jacksonville Jaguars and New England Patriots

#TheMoreUselessStuffYouKnow

(The Informer actual gambling note of the day- This line has moved from Bengals -2 to a pick’em; which means all of the public money is currently on the 49ers. So keep that in mind when you are building your brand new Casino placing your bets.)

Pick: Bengals (PK)

San Diego Chargers @ Detroit Lions (+1.5)

I don’t really care about these two teams, so instead of talking about them how about we discuss The Informer’s “After Week 1” MVP rankings?

1. Lamar Jackson - A right handed Michael Vick. I honestly think if he stays healthy Baltimore is gonna be  right there with Kansas City and New England come January.
2. Patrick Mahomes - Remember when all the experts said to wait on a quarterback because Mahomes was going to high in fantasy drafts? Yea those people were wrong. I mean seriously, the dude had 315 yards passing in the first half. He is amazing.
3. Tom Brady - That’s What I love about these Tom Brady football games: "I get older and he stays the same age."
4. Sammy Watkins - If he catches 3 TDs a week I think he will have a shot to win the award.
5. Dak Prescott - If the Cowboys win the NFC East, then Dak will be in the MVP conversation.

Pick: Lions (+1.5)

Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers (-3)

That whole Top 5 ranking thing was kind of fun. I think we should do some more of that. So here are five more random lists of "Informer Top 5 Favorite Things."

NFL  nicknames

1. Josh “The Cannon Missile” Allen
2. Gardener “Milksteak”
3. AJ “The Sickness” Green
4. Mitch “Trabanski”
5. Marlon “Return of the Mack”

2019 TV Shows

1. It’s Always Sunny
2. Yellowstone
3. BH90210
4. Blue Bloods
5. NFL Primetime #ItsBackBaby

Sub Sandwich Shops

1. Blimpies
2. Jersey Mike’s
3. Firehouse Subs
4. Which Wich
5. Jimmy John’s

Keno Number Combinations

1. 17-52
2. 2-13
3. 6-17
4. 1-69-80
5. 2-4-6-13-17-20

Fast & Furious Movies

1. Fast & Furious 1
2. Fast & Furious 4
3. Fast & Furious 7
4. Fast & Furious 5
5. Fast & Furious 6

Pick: Packers (-2.5)

Indianapolis Colts @ Tennessee Titans (-3)

I may not be a scientist, but even I am smart enough to know that there is no way on Tim Tebow's Green Earth the Tennessee Titans are going to lose at home on the same day they retire Steve “Air” McNair and Eddie George’s jerseys.

Go ahead and Lion King Lock this in as a Titans win and cover folks.

Pick: LKLOTW Titans (-3)

New England Patriots @ Miami Dolphins (+19)

75% of the public is betting against an 18.5 point double digit home underdog.

Tom Brady is 1-5 in his last six games in Miami.

The Patriots under Bill Belichick  are 0-5 against the spread when the line is over 18 points.

“Informer are you seriously trying to make a case for betting the Miami Dolphins against Tom Brady? Man I think you have finally drank yourself stupid. Seriously, there is not enough gambling rules in the world to entice me to place hard earned money on the clogged toilet of a dumpster fire piece of s*** Miami Trash.”

Did you just say "clogged toilet of a dumpster fire piece of s***? That's a weird use of the English language flex, but ok. I like it. As far as the gambling goes; I am just letting you know what the rule book says. And in this case the rule book clearly states you have no choice but to bet the Miami clogged toilets.

Pick: Clogged Toilets (+19)

Buffalo Bills @ New York Giants (+1.5)

As long as Josh “The Cannon Missile” Allen keeps winning, I have no choice but to keep using his section for the Blimpie Best meme of the week:

I don't care who you are, that is freaking hilarious. #SugeBelichick

Pick: Bills (-1.5)

Seattle HGHawks @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-4)

Dallas Cowboys @ Washington Redskins (+6)

According to my very mediocre internet searching skills, Dallas and Pittsburgh are the two highest betted (Is betted a word?) teams this week; with each team getting 80% of the action in their favor. Well, as we keep saying on this blog, when 80% of the bets are going one way, it is smart for the person to zag the opposite way.

#KeepBuildingThemCasinosVegas #InCaseKeenumWeTrust #HGHawks.

Pick: Washington (+6) HGHawks (+4)

Arizona Cardinals @ Baltimore Ravens (-13)

65% of the public bets are on a rookie quarterback making his first career road start against the Baltimore Ravens? I just don’t like those odds.

Pick: Ravens (-13)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans (-9)

In honor of the Texans being favored by nine points, here are nine random Informer thoughts, questions and hot takes:

1. Despite dropping his first pass since the 2017 season, I still think DeAndre Hopkins is pretty good at football.
2. Josh Jacobs, Miles Sanders, Devin Singletary, Hockinson, Gardner Milk Steak, Kyler Murray and Hollywood Brown are rookies I love.
3. Classic Jets. #Mono? #Really?
4. Adrian Peterson, making his first start of the 2019 NFL season this Sunday against the Cowboys, needs one rushing touchdown to break a 5th place tie with Jim Brown for career touchdowns.
5. Dear NFL, more Monday night doubleheaders and less Thursday night football. Please and thank you.
6. I once said there was no way in the bluest of blue hells that I would ever pay money for the ESPN premium app. So what did ESPN do? They totally made The Informer a filthy liar thanks to their announcement that Chris Berman and Tom Jackson were bringing NFL Primetime out of retirement. It literally took me six minutes after reading the news for me to give you my credit card information. Well played ESPN. Well played indeed.
7. I’m not sure who needs to hear this but I’m going to say it anyways: Julio Jones— aka the guy who never catches touchdowns — has caught a touchdown pass in five straight games.
8. Tom Brady only needs three TD passes to surpass Peyton Manning for second place on the all time career list. Also, Tom Brady plays the Miami Dolphins this week. #ItWasAGoodRunPeyton
9. I think I would not be doing my job as a famous sports blogger if I didn’t point out that the 1st half under in Primetime is 5-0 on the season.

Pick: Jags (+9)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Oakland Raiders (-7)

For fun, let's play a quick game of compare these players at age 26.

Player A: 241 receptions, 3,506 yards & 32 TDs
Player B: 241 receptions, 3,769 yards & 31 TDs

What if I told you that player A went on to become an NFL Hall of Famer who finished his career with 1,101 receptions, 13,899 yards & 130 TDs (Chris Carter), while player B is Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins who still has 15 games left in his age 26 season?

I wanted to bring up this comparison for a few reasons. First, I found it interesting that both guys came into the NFL with huge expectations but only lasted 3-years with the teams that drafted them (Carter & Eagles, Watkins & Bills). Secondly, I wanted to point out that while Sammy's career has not gone the way many experts (myself included) expected, if you look at what Carter did after his age 26 season; then it would appear Watkins still has plenty of time to achieve that greatness.

I for one am 100% rooting (and expecting now that he has Mahomes as his QB) for Sammy to do it. Because the NFL is always better when great players reach their great potential.

Pick: Chiefs (-7)

Chicago Trabanski’s @ Denver Donkey’s (+2.5)

Things I would rather do then bet Mitch Trabanski as a road favorite:

Wash the dishes. Eat asparagus. Crack. Watch Nic Cage’s movie “The Wicker Man”. Go for a jog. Tell my wife she is overreacting. Put goat cheese on my pizza. Drink Coors Light. Lose to a 9-year old in an NFL Picks off. Go scarf/vail shopping with Cam Newton. Order a fake impossible Whopper from Burger King. Bet the 1st half over in Primetime. And finally, I would rather bet Joe Flacco starting his first home game as a Denver Donkey in the stadium that made him a hero.

Pick: Donkey’s (+2.5)

New Orleans Saints @ LA Rams (-1.5)

If the WWE NFL writers really want this Saints-Rams feud to reach its full potential, then they have to put the Rams over on Sunday. And if they are truly looking for“X-PAC” nuclear heat, then they have no choice but to let the Rams win with a questionable penalty call from Earl Hebner the refs late in the game.

Of course, if the writers -- in the name of being best for Fox business -- are going to script the Saints into a “Montreal Screw Job” finish on Sunday; then I have no choice but to load the heels Rams

Pick: Rams (-1.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Atlanta Falcons (+2.5)

I’m betting the Atlanta Falcons. I have no good reason or scientific data to support this decision. This is purely an "I want to root for the team I like on Sunday Night Football" so I am going to bet them pick. So please take this selection with a grain of cocaine.

Pick: Falcons (+2.5)

Cleveland Browns @ New York Jets (+2.5 & +7)

I got the Browns at (-2.5) in my Super Picks contest, but I know with Sam "Mono y Darnold" out this line jumped to (-7). I also know since it was announced "The Mono Man" was out, the public has been throwing money on the Browns like they were a rapper at the strip club. And, well, since we keep saying not to follow the public bets; I decided I will be keeping the Browns at (-2.5) in my Super Picks contest, while also betting the Jets (+7) for the cover.

In the gambling world I think this is called having your Blimpies and drinking your Natties to.

Pick: Browns (-2.5) & Jets (+7)

That is a wrap folks. I hope your Sunday is filled with cold Natties, at least one Blimpie Best, winning parlays, backdoor covers, 1st half unders and enough 3-team teasers to kill a small community bank.

Informer out.



THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 11-5

Last Week: 11-5

Lion King Lock of the Week: 1-0

1st Half Under in Primetime: 5-0

The Informer's 2019 NFL Fantasy Football Preview: The Mailbag

Q: Hey Informer when is your next fantasy football article coming out?

How about right now? Maybe we could do a fantasy football mailbag? Does that sound fun?

Q: A mailbag huh? So I guess what you are saying is that after writing your first article of the year (FYI - month seven of 2019 is about to start) you already got burned out and must now resort back to gimmick articles to create content?

Ummmm . . . Yes. That is exactly what I am saying.

Q: Well at least you are man enough to admit that you are a bum a** loser. But okay, if a mailbag is what you want to do --then lets do it. First of all it is June 30th and I think the seven people reading this article want to know: How many fantasy football teams have you drafted so far this year? 

I have done four total drafts. I did a $10 auction draft, a $30 auction draft and two $20 snake drafts.

Q: Why do you always point out how much money you spend on each draft? Can't you just say you have done four drafts and leave it at that? 

My reasoning for saying how much each draft costs is very simple: I want anyone reading this to know that every draft I write about is a paid competitive league. 

This is good information because it shows that everything I am going to write about for the next two months are from drafts with real people, real stakes and real results. These are not mock drafts with "bots" or "people practicing and then leaving after a stupid mistake" in them.

So no, I can't just say I have done four drafts and leave it at that, because that would not provided enough context for what I am trying to do with these previews.

Q: A simple I am a blowhard would have been enough, but I guess your long winded asinine theory on fantasy football previews will suffice. Anyways, which means no one is reading this article "anyways" but I am going to keep asking questions just for fun: Who is your favorite sleeper so far? 

Since it is only June I honestly have no idea who is going to be a good sleeper; so I am not going to be able to answer your question. What I can do though is hand out a few big time names that I have noticed have great value in these early drafts.

For Snake Drafts:

• Antonio Brown
• T.Y. Hilton
• Leonard Fournette
• A.J. Green
• Marlon Mack

For Auction Drafts:

• David Johnson is going $10-15 cheaper than the other Top 5 running backs.
• Mike Evans, Antonio Brown and AJ Green are three great values at WR. 
• Nick Chubb, Marlon Mack and Sonny Michel. 

Q: Since you brought up auction drafts: What are The Informer's thoughts on spending all your money on a Saquon Barkley-Ezekiel Elliot super tandem? 

Instead of giving you my thoughts up front, how about we look at an example of what a person's team might look like if they decided to go the "Super-Duo" route in a standard 10-12 team auction draft?

QB: Big Ben $2

RB: Barkley $70

RB: Zeke $68

WR: Sterling Shepard $10
WR: Mike Evans $34
TE: David Njoku $3
Flex: Marquise Goodwin $5
K: $1
D: $1
Bn: Josh “The Cannon” Allen $1
Bn: Cortland Sutton $1
Bn: LeSean McCoy $1
Bn: Golden Tate $1
Bn: Larry Fitzgerald $1

Bn: Adrian Peterson $1

I guess what I am trying to say by showing this example of a really stacked team using the "Super Duo" strategy is "yes I think spending big money on the Top 2 players (or two of the Top 10 players) is always a great strategy to use in all standard 10-12 team leagues."

Q: Informer why do you keep saying the word standard? It’s really annoying.

I do sincerely apologize. I have been told by many people (mostly my wife) that being annoying is one of my finer qualities. As for the reason I keep saying standard? That is because I want to make it very clear that certain strategies are only good if you are in a standard league. 

What is a standard league some may ask?

It is a 10 or 12 team league where each team starts a QB, RB, RB, WR, WR, TE, Flex, D and kicker each week. 

These "standard leagues" are what the vast majority of fantasy football players play. 

Q: So what is a non standard league?

A league where you have more starters than normal, or you have defensive players on your roster, or there are 14-16 teams in the league, or leagues with a super flex (means a person can start 2 QBs).

Basically anything where rules or roster size have been changed would count as a non-standard league. 

For all those “custom” leagues my advice is to always find out your rules before the draft and then make a draft strategy based on the rules. Trust me on this; if you go into those "custom" league drafts with the same plan as a standard you will walk out with an incomplete team.

Q: Informer I got the #1 pick in my draft (10-team snake draft with super flex). Obviously I’m taking Saquon first, but who should I pick with the #20 & #21 picks? Do I go quarterback that early since it is a Super Flex? 

Once again this question is a matter of what your preference for players is. But I would say unless Mahomes is still there at the turn (pick #20-21) you should wait on QB (or if you really love Andrew Luck or Rodgers take them cause they won't be there at pick 40 in a Super Flex league).

With that said; I actually just did a 10-team snake draft league where we start a Super Flex, so how about we look at what the person with the #1 pick in that draft did with his first eight picks (I did not have #1 pick):

1: Barkley
20: Travis Kelce
21: Mike Evans
40: Damian Williams
41: Matt Ryan

60: Chris Goodwin

61: Cooper Cupp

80: Chris Carson

81: Josh Allen

I am not going to lie to anyone reading this article. I absolutely despise what this person did with his Saquon Barkley gift. Maybe it is because I am not very high on Cupp, Carson or Goodwin; but I think he could have done a hell of a lot better. 

Speaking of a hell of a lot better: Here is what I would have done if I was picking #1 in this draft.

1: Saquon Barkley

20: Dalvin Cook
21: Antonio Brown or Evans either works
40: Marlon Mack
41: DeVontae Freeman
60: Evan Ingram
61: Jarvis Landry
80: Kirk Cousins

81: Jimmy Garoppollo

Now that is what a Saquon Barkley Super Flex team should look like. 

Q: Who is one guy you will not have on any teams this year?

The fact that I am trying to draft 50 teams this season means at some point I am going to end up with every player at least once. That’s just basic math. But I will say the thought of spending $30-40 on Patrick Mahomes (who I love with all my heart) in any standard auction draft is not something I am going to do.

In other words; the only way Mahomes ends up on my team this year will be if I take him in a snake draft, or if I’m in some weird auction where you start two or three QBs thus making him worthy of the money.

Q: So you are saying you will not draft Mahomes this year unless you do draft him? That’s some next level expert fantasy football advice right there. No wonder they call you The Informer. Ps your fantasy football advice sucks and so do your Twitter polls.

Do we really need to bring my Twitter polls into this? I mean I get that my fantasy football advice isn't for everyone, but what the heck did my Twitter polls ever do to you? 

Q: Informer even you know your Twitter polls are the most annoying thing on the internet. So don't try to make it sound like they are innocent in all of your nonsense. But you are right, let's stick to fantasy football for today. What are your thoughts LeVeon Bell?

First off my Twitter polls are awesome and you know it. Secondly off, I will not have Bell on any of my auction teams because I am not willing to spend 50-60 dollars on him (he was over $55 in both my drafts so far). Now, depending on the placement of a snake draft, I would start looking at bell in the 7-12 range but nothing higher.

My Top 7 in order of any and all snake drafts:

1: Saquon

2: Zeke
3: Run CMC
4: Kamara
5: Johnson
6: Hopkins/Julio
7: Bell or Gordon

Q: I stand by what I said Informer. Your Twitter polls suck. And so does this blog. You should think about deleting your account. I promise the world would be a better place if you did. Now, before you go making the world a better place, since at least one person on the internet did get to the end of this "non informative" blog post: Can you give us at least one piece of fantasy football advice that will be worth remembering for the upcoming season? 

You want some good advice? How about this: Tyreke Hill is being drafted very low in both auction and snake draft formats because people still do not know what is going to happen with him after the NFL finishes their investigation into his off the field issues.

Why am I telling you this? 

Because word leaked earlier this week that any Hill suspension would be four games at the most; which now makes Tyreke Hill an absolute steal if you can get him in fifth round (or lower) or for less than $30 in an auction draft. 

And on that note, it is time for The Informer to go find another team to draft. 

#TheQuestFor50Continues

#Happy4thOfJuly

The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 6

Q: Hey Informer do you have any regrets about your 5-10 NFL Picks record in Week 5?

You mean like betting against Tom Brady at home in Primetime while he was playing the Colts? Or losing my Lion King Lock of the Week because the Miami Dolphins couldn't protect a 17-0 second half lead (which means they were up 23.5-0 per the spread)? Or maybe you are asking if I regretted breaking all the gambling rules by betting against three teams that were home underdogs/home teams favored by less than three points (those teams went 3-0, I went 0-3)?

If that is what you are asking, then my answer is no. I don't regret anything. Sure I wish I would have won, but at the end of the day I made my picks based off of years of scientific research  a drunken gut feeling and I have no regrets where that feeling led me to. Even if it was to the post office to mail my bookie a check that could have been used to by all of the Patrick Mahomes rookie cards. 

Q: What about that tweet you sent after finding out your kids soccer game was canceled? Do you regret that?

What tweet? I don't remember sending any tweet out about my daughter's soccer games.

Q: Are you really going to sit there and pretend you don't remember this?

I'm not saying it was my best moment as a dad, but here was live video footage of me finding out my daughter's 2pm Sunday soccer game was canceled due to rain # pic.twitter.com/nJaFRk0w4R

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 7, 2018

Oh you meant that tweet? Yea, I 100% regret sending that tweet. In fact I am 100% certain that tweet -- and not my drunken gut feelings --  was the entire reason my picks were an absolute dumpster fire of an abortion last week.

Q: Spin it how ever your want Informer,  but the fact remains that you are an utter embarrassment to the internet and you should probably just delete your blogger account. But, because I know you are a stubborn jackass who thinks people actually read this garbage,  could you maybe give us one really cool stat before we get to this week's picks?

Using the word "utter" before calling me an embarrassment seems a bit harsh. But I guess in the end you did ask nicely, so I will answer answer your question with this really interesting and cool stat:

Here are the Top 10 NFL career touchdown pass leaders in 1994

1. Fran Tarkenton - 342
2. Dan Marino - 328
3. Johnny Unitas - 290
4. Joe Montana - 273
5. Sonny Jurgensen - 255
6. Dan Foutes - 254
7. John Hadl - 244
8. Y.A. Tittle - 242
9. Len Dawson - 239
10. George Blanda -236

Here is Top 10 NFL career touchdown pass leaders in 2018

1. Peyton Manning - 539
2. Brett Favre - 508
3. Tom Brady - 500
4. Drew Brees - 499
5. Dan Marino - 420
6. Philip Rivers - 355
7. Eli Manning - 345
8. Fran Tarkenton -342
9. Ben Roethlisberger - 340
10. Aaron Rodgers - 323

Isn't it wild that today seven of the Top 10 greatest touchdown throwers in NFL history are quarterbacks who were not even in the NFL the year Joe Montana retired with the fourth most touchdown passes in NFL history (Brett Favre was finishing his third season)?

Furthermore, how good was Fran Tarkenton? I mean the dude retired in 1978 and yet his passing numbers still hold up today despite the evidence showing us the NFL is now a pass happy league. That is simply amazing.

Sticking with Fran: Did you know that Tarkenton held the TD record from 1978 to 1995 (17 years)? Then Dan Marino held the record from 1995 to 2007 (12 years). Brett Favre then held the record from 2007 to 2014 (seven years). And finally Peyton Manning will hold the record from 2015 until sometime in 2019 when Tom Brady or Drew Brees breaks his record (four years). 

So I guess my point/question is: Will we ever see someone hold this record for 17 years again? Or is it just going to keep changing hands every 2-7 years?

And finally, if this stat  repeats history, that means in 24 years seven of the greatest statistical quarterbacks in NFL history will have been replaced by guys who may or may not even be playing college football right now. 

Think about that for a second. 

Anyways, now that we have all been "informed" about the future of NFL quarterbacks with this week's really cool stat of the day, here are The Informer's Week 6 NFL Picks.

As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The N.F. Informer is strictly prohibited.

Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Giants (+3)

Here is The Informer's proof of pick Thursday Night Football Tweet:

Im taking the Eagles (-1) #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 11, 2018

Ladies and gentle people, your eyes are not deceiving you. That is a Thursday night win.

Pick: Eagles (-3)


Seattle HGHawks (-3) @ Oakland Raiders (in London)

Over the past Fortnight I have been Sod Off by the fact that I am a Tosser who has Lost the Plot when it comes to picking Bloody NFL games. Hell, I have been Cocking Up so badly by handing out Crusty Dragon picks that I was actually thinking about quitting in order to become a Chap-Scrubber On the Pull for Starker Daft-Cows who don’t know the difference between their Knackers and Strawberry Creams.

But then I realized quitting would make me a complete Axe Wound who should be forced to Go to Her Majesty’s Pleasure just like all the Pounces that Filch from the Khazi Slappers who give you Nookie for money. So, because I didn’t want to be a complete Areshole Axe Wound, I decided I am going to get back to being Aces by betting against the Chav Knobhead Raiders on Sunday. 

Now, don’t get your Knickers in a Twist Raiders fans, I do think you have an Anorak offense, and that there is a chance I Throw a Spanner in the Works, but the fact remains your defense is going to See a Man about a Dog on Sunday; which means they will not be Up for it against a Seattle offense that just went toe to toe with the 2018 NFC Champions. 

Again, I am not Arse over Tit for this pick, but Before you Bite your Arm off, please keep in mind the Raiders -- who are basically playing their fourth road game of the young 2018 season -- have been All fur coat and no knickers in 2018. So I literally have no choice but to Leg over the points and take the HGHawks while making myself a couple of Easy-peasy Quids. 

Bob's your uncle. 

Pick: HGHawks (-3)


Arizona Cardinals @ Minnesota Vikings (-10)

There is no way the Vikings lay another egg against a double digit dumpster fire . . . Right?

Pick: Vikings (-10)


Los Angeles Chargers @ Cleveland Browns (-1.5)

I am going to keep riding the red hot covering Browns (they are 4-1 on the season against the spread) until they turn back into the Browns and cost me money. 

Pick: Browns (-1.5)


Tampa Bay @ Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)

Here is a meme of motivational speaker Matt Foley expressing my exact feelings on the 2018 Atlanta Falcons:

Pick: Falcons (-3.5)


Carolina Panthers @ Washington Redskins (+1)
Indianapolis Colts @ New York Jets (-2.5)
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals (-2.5)
Los Angeles Raiders @ Denver Donkeys (-6.5)

Remember last week when every home underdog/ home team that was favored by less than three points covered? And then after this happened I got Jay Cutler wasted and swore to Tim Tebow that I would never -- not even if their was a fire -- bet against a home dog/ home team favored by less than three points ever again?

Well, I give you this weeks picks that involve home dogs/ home teams favored by less than three points . . . #I really am a moron.

Pick: Panthers (-1) Colts (+2.5) Steelers (+2.5) Rams (-6.5)


Chicago Bears @ Miami Dolphins (+3)

Speaking of home dogs: Did you know that Ryan Tannehill was downgraded to questionable on Friday with a shoulder injury and may not play in this game? This means that there is a good chance Brock Osweiler is going to start/play quarterback in this game.

Folks please re-read that last sentence. Because it says: THERE IS A CHANCE BROCK OSWEILER PLAYS QUARTERBACK IN THIS GAME!!!

And, well, any time there is a chance for "Brock to Brock", The Informer's gambling rules clearly stat that I have to make the team he is going to "Brock" against the Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Bears (-3)


Buffalo Bills @ Houston Texans (-10)

Abortion. Trash. Dumpster fire. Open Hatchet Wound. Crud. Sewage. Balderdash. Gross. Yuck.

In other words, here is this Week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week starring the beautiful Selena Gomez:

The Internet can be really mean sometimes #Memes & Words Hurt You Know? 

Pick: Bills (+10)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Dallas Cowboys (+3.5)

Give me the home dog against a team without a good running back so they have to plan their entire offense around Blake Bortles being a great quarterback. 

Pick: Cowboys (+3.5)

Baltimore Ravens @ Tennessee Titans (+3)

Give me the home dog against a team without a good running back so they have to plan their entire offense around Joe Flacco being a great quarterback. 

Pick: Titans (+3)

Kansas City Chiefs @ New England Patriots (-3.5)

I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . .I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again!!!!!

Just so we are all clear, I am totally betting against Tom Brady in Primetime again. In the words of the great Forrest Gump: "I am not a smart man."

Pick: Chiefs (+3.5)

San Francisco 49ers @ Green Bay Packers (-9.5)

Aaron Rodgers in Primtime. That is my expert opinion as to why you should bet the Packers on Monday Night Football. 

Pick: Green Bay (-9.5)