As always, please keep in mind that almost all of these questions came from actual made up readers.
Q: Informer, why do you suck so bad at picking Thursday Night football games?
If you consider going 1-7 through eight weeks of NFL Thursday Night Football sucking, then I guess my answer would have to be that I am an alcoholic.
Q: Seriously though, now that your picks suck, and you have never been funny, what does anyone get out of reading this worthless blog. I mean other than the numerous pointers on how not to be an overweight fat loser in life?
I assume this is pretty obvious to anyone reading, but I am immediately regretting the decision to make this a mailbag article.
#WordsHurtYouKnow?
Q: Hey Mis-Informer, the only thing you suck at more than making NFL picks is writing your blog. When are you going to stop embarrassing yourself and delete this account?
I don’t want to get into the specifics, but let’s just say I agree "The Informer" sucks and that the end of this blog needs to happen sooner rather than later.
Q: Wait, what are you talking about Informer? We joke and give you a little crap for having a few bad weeks and all of the sudden you are going to bail out and quit? What the hell is wrong with you man? Just because your picks -- and this blog -- suck more than a crackhead who is out of crack, doesn’t mean you give up. Honestly Informer, I think you need to try and remember the words of the great Vin Diesel. Then maybe you will come to your senses and realize it is not time to give up on your dreams.
What does living my life a quarter of a mile at a time have to do with making NFL picks?
Q: No Informer, not those words. The other ones that go a little like this: “Ask any bettor, any real bettor, they will tell you it doesn’t matter if you win 10 bucks, or a 100 bucks; winning is winning." And by my account Informer, your current 2017 NFL picks record is 54-50-3 against the spread. In other words . . . You are a winning Informer. Now you just need to start acting like it.
When you put it that way -- and if we completely ignore the "vig" -- I guess I have no other choice than to crack open the Natties and do what I do best --Inform the people.
Let's do this.
Q: Informer, who is going to win the 2017 NFL Rookie of the Year?
If the season ended today, Kareem Hunt would win hands down. But with half a season still left to play, I am predicting informing all of you that the ROY is going to end up coming down to DeShaun Watson vs Leonard Fournette.
Q: Sooo . . . Who are you picking to win? Watson or Fournette?
I am going with Fournette. If he leads the Jags to the Playoffs despite not having a QB on his roster he has to be named the 2017 NFL ROY.
Q: Who is going to be the 2017 NFL MVP?
Tom Brady is on pace to pass for over 5,000 yards and 30+ TD passes. Just saying, if Tom Brady keeps Tom Bradying (which history says he will) then he is going to run away with the 2017 NFL MVP Award.
Q: Is Ndamukong Suh a dirty player?
Let me ask you this: Is The Informer hammered wasted on Natty lights right now?
Q: We live in a hot take society Informer, so with that in mind what is your hottest of hot takes this Halloween weekend?
How about the fact that Halloween is the biggest f****ing rip off in the history of mankind. Seriously, it cost me over 150 dollars to buy four kids costumes this past week.
FOUR KIDS COSTUMES!!?
But you know what is even worse than spending that amount of money on four costumes my kids will wear one time in their life? The fact that my wife wanted me to spend another $40 for a monkey hat so we could pretend my 2-year old son was Curious George
Read that last sentence again. 40 freaking dollars on a Curious George monkey hat. Why are we doing this to ourselves? And how can we put an end to it?
Honestly, I believe that spending $40 on a hat your kids will wear one time (and you know he isn't even going to wear it he will rip it off the minute you put it on his head) has to be the most asinine thing in the history of the world.
Q: Hey Informer, how much money did you spend on football cards this weekend?
Why would you ask me that?
Q: Well, you just said spending $40 on your kids to have fun trick or treating was the most asinine thing in the history of the world. So I was just curious, how much you – a grown ass man – spent on football cards this week?
Ummm . . . That is neither hear nor there.
Q: Answer the question Informer . . . How much money did you spend on football cards this week?
I spent $92. But in my defense, $8.75 of that was for shipping and handling.
Q: Informer, are you sure you want to stick with the whole "spending $40 on Halloween costumes is the most asinine thing in the world" argument?
Fine, other than a middle aged man buying football cards, spending $40 on a Curious George hat for a 2-year old is the most asinine thing in the world.
Q: What is the best candy you can get on Halloween? Also, just so we are on the same page, if you say candy corn I am going to stab you in the throat with a soldering iron.
Candy Corn? Really? Are there people out there that think Candy Corn is the greatest Halloween candy in the world? I mean hell, it is not even the best corn (on the Cobb obviously) in the world. You know what? I take everything I said about costumes back. Saying "candy corn is the greatest Halloween candy" is now officially the most asinine thing in the history of the world.
As far as my opinion goes; the best Halloween candy is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, followed by Milky Way and then Twix.
Q: What is your favorite scary movie Informer?
You mean other than the Miami Dolphins 2017 offensive highlight tape? Get it? Cause the Dolphins offense is frighteningly bad? You guys get it.
Anyways, all jokes aside, my Top 5 favorite scary movies in order are:
Q: Informer those aren’t scary movies. Those are slasher films. There is a difference. I am talking movies like Poltergeist, The Exorcist, The Sixth Sense, etc. You know movies that haunt your dreams.
In that case; I would like to point out that I no longer watch movies like that because I am a scared coward who does not like to have my dreams haunted. With that said; the five movies that I watched growing up that left me scarred for life and scared to sleep to this day are:
- Poltergeist
- A Nightmare on Elm Street (FYI – I have been told by multiple sources that this is not a good movie to watch the first time you experiment with the Hippie Lettuce)
- The Others
- The Sixth Sense
- Paranormal Activity
(Informer Note - I did not add the links for these movies, because I was to scared to preview the links for these movies.)
Q: Who is the GOAT? Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees?
According to the internet, Jason has 146 murders compared to Michael Myers 94. So I guess, if we are going by stats alone, the answer has to be Jason.
Q: Informer if you were a poor college student what would you be for Halloween?
For the guys: I recommend dressing up as a Catholic Priest. All you need are black slacks, a black dress shirt, some toilet paper (for the collar) and a rosary to wear around your neck (cost about 2 bucks).
Now, if you can get past the part where you are probably going straight to heck for dressing up as a Priest to try and pick up chicks, you will come to find out that the ladies will be stopping by all night to tell you their deepest darkest sins in the hopes of corrupting your innocent Priestly soul.
In the words of the bus driver from Billy Madison: "I know from experience."
For the ladies: Get a green t-shirt, some pony tail holders and grow out your uni-brow. Because in Halloween 2017 there is nothing hotter than Margaret McPoyle from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Q: Are you going to dress up as a Priest for Halloween Informer?
Me, no. I am married with tons of kids. The Priest thing does not work for me the way it once did. I'll probably do the same thing I did last year where I loose 20 pounds and dress up as former WWE Champion Yokozuna.
Q: Since you brought up being fat: Which one are you picking Blimpies or Jersey Mike’s?
Blimpies every day of the week and twice on double-punch Tuesdays. Come on guy, if you are going to talk about food you gotta at least make the questions hard.
Q; Okay fat man, since that was so easy for you, how about this one: If you had to get rid of one form of potatoes for the rest of your life which one would you get rid of: Mashed, Baked or French Fried?
I would get rid of the mashed potatoes. Mostly because French Fries are life, and if push came to shove, I could scoop out the inner baked potato and mash it up to make mashed baked potatoes.
Q: Should the Colts trade Andrew Luck?
And it looks like we finally have a winner for this week’s "dumbest question ever" contest.
Seriously though: Why in the bluest of blue hells should the Colts trade their best player and franchise quarterback? I mean, in what world does this make any sense? I swear, as much as I love the internet, sometimes the 24-7-ness of the whole operation leads to some idiotic takes.
Q: How does Julio Jones only have one TD catch on the season?
Let me be very clear here: If you are an NFL offensive coordinator for a team that has Julio Jones playing for it -- and said Julio Jones only has one TD catch heading into Week 8 of the season --then you should lose your job immediately for being a complete and utter moron.
Q: Hey Informer there is a London game this week, is there anything you want to say about it?
Sure. I think A person would have to be completely Snookered to Chin Wag about the Crusty Dragon Browns Seeing a Man About a Dog against the Dog’s Bollocks Vikings on Sunday. So, instead of going the Full Monty and Losing My Plot thinking about how Pavement Pizza worthy this Bin fire of Rubbish match is going to be, I think I will just go On the Piss while handing out the Blimpies Best meme of the week before asking my Up for It wife is she wants to play a game of Slap and Tickle with the Strawberry Creams.
(The “windows to the wall” part cracks me up every time. Pip-Pip. Bob’s Your’s Uncle.)
Q: Informer, what are the five most "must need to know stats" heading into Week 8?
- DeShaun Watson needs 3 TD passes to tie Kurt Warner (18 TDs) for most TD passes in a players first seven starts.
- Last week rookie sensation Kareem Hunt (1,002 total yards) joined Eric Dickerson (1,045 total yards in 1983) as the only players in NFL history to gain at least 1,000 total yards from scrimmage in their first seven games. For those wondering, Dickerson gained 190 total yards in his eighth NFL game.
- On 10-29-2012, the great Randy Moss caught and ran 47-yards for the last Monday Night Football touchdown of his career.
- Antonio brown is on pace for 1,748 yards receiving. If he does this, he will become the first player in NFL history to have two seasons with at least 1,700 yards receiving. He will also become the only player in NFL history with three seasons of at least 1,600 yards receiving.
- As stated above, Tom Brady is on pace to throw for over 5,000 yards this season. If the GOAT accomplishes this feat, he will join Drew Brees as the only quarterbacks in NFL history to have multiple seasons with at least 5,000 yards (Brees has done it five times in his career).
Q: Informer this mailbag is about 2,000 words to long. Please tell me you are going to end it right now with your Week 8 NFL Picks?
I sure am. As always, please remember to gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life.
PICKS:
Dolphins (+3) Loss
Vikings (-9.5)
Saints (-9.5)
Jets (+6.5)
Panthers (+2)
Eagles (-12.5)
Raiders (+2.5)
Colts (+10.5)
Patriots (-7)
HGHawks (-5.5)
Cowboys (-1.5)
Steelers (-3)
Broncos (+7.5)
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