Here are The Informer's Week 5 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The N.F. Informer is strictly prohibited.
Indianapolis Colts @ New England Patriots (-10.5)
I know it is a few days late, but here are five Thursday Night NFL Football gambling rules that should have been followed this week:
- Always bet Tom Brady in Primetime.
- Always bet the home team on Thursday Night Football; especially when the road team is coming off a Sunday overtime loss where their team got totally decimated by injuries.
- Always, no matter what the spread is, bet a Bill Belichick team against any team that accuses a Bill Belichick team of cheating, or deflating footballs.
- Offensive coordinators for the Patriots who turn down jobs with the Colts tend to try and run up the score.
- ALWAYS BET THE PATRIOTS ON THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL AGAINST THE COLTS!!!
I mean you literally would have had to be the biggest, fattest, most moronic, idiot in the history of this flat Earth to actually bet the Colts on Thursday night.
Give me Colts +10.5 and under 24.5 in the first half...#TNF— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 4, 2018
Pick: Colts (+10.5)
Baltimore Ravens @ Cleveland Browns (+3.5)
As a concerned gambler, I could not in good conscience sit idly by and let the NFL/Vegas get away with robbing the Cleveland Browns of their hard fought win/cover against the Oakland Raiders last week. So, that is why I decided to write a very stern letter to the NFL/Vegas, letting them know exactly what I thought about them treating me -- and every Browns' bettor/fan around the world -- like "The Sisters" treated Andy Dufrense during the worst year of his life at Shawshank Prison.
Here is that letter:
Dear NFL/Vegas, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes!
Love,
Alfalfa The Informer.
Pick: Browns (+3.5)
(The Informer note - Seriously though, the NFL should be ashamed of themselves for overturning that first down. What a gosh damn joke. You suck you cheating NFL.)
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Kansas City Chiefs (-3)
The Chiefs are the best team in football not named the Los Angeles Rams. They have best quarterback not named Tim Tebow to ever walk the face of the Earth. And they are only giving three points at home to Blake Bortles? Am I missing something here?
Pick: Chiefs (-3)
Tennessee Titans @ Buffalo Bills (+5.5)
I know the Titans are coming off of a huge win against the Super Bowl champions, and that I am supposed to be scared of home dogs, but I physically can't bring myself to bet on the Buffalo Bills anymore this season unless they are getting 14 or more points (they are 1-0 against the spread when getting at least 14 points).
Pick: Titans (-5.5)
New York Giants @ Carolina Panthers (-6.5)
Here is my expert opinion on this game: The Giants suck.
Pick: Panthers (-6.5)
Denver Broncos @ New York Jets (-1)
Yikes . . . Let's go ahead and file this contest under the "I would not watch this dumpster fire of an abomination with your eyes" section. Which of course means it is time to completely ignore this atrocity the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game, and instead hand out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:
I know that I am going straight to H.E.C.K for laughing, but damn that one made me chuckle.
Pick: Broncos (+1)
Atlanta Falcons @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-3.5)
Do you all think Ashton Kutcher is punking us with this whole "Julio Jones can't catch a touchdown" thing? I mean seriously, how the f*** is this even possible? We have one of the greatest wide receivers in the history of the NFL -- and a guy who is on pace to become the first ever wide receiver with 2,000 yards in a single season - - and yet he hasn't caught a touchdown pass in his last nine games?
I just don't understand how this is possible.
Anyways, I am grabbing the hook this week (aka the extra half point) while expecting both teams to put up 60 points. Oh and I will also be betting Julio Jones over .5 touchdowns #ThisIsTheWeek
Pick: Falcons (+3.5)
Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions (-1)
To all of you experts betting the Lions against Aaron Rodgers this week . . . I salute you. You keep dreaming those dreams and wishes those wishes, while I keep cashing my checks at the bookies office.
Pick: Packers (+1)
Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals (-6)
You know what I felt last week watching A.J. "The Sickness" Green catch the game winning touchdown while at the same time costing me a Super Picks contest and illegal gambling wager win?
Absolute pride.
Why pride you ask?
Because last week I set out to jinx the Falcons (so the Bengals would win) by betting them every which way I could and it absolutely worked. So naturally, since my gambling jinx worked to perfection last week, I am going to run the jinx angle back again this week by making the Dolphins my Lion King Lock of the Week.
Pick: LKLOTW Dolphins (+6)
Oakland Raiders @ San Diego Chargers (+5.5)
The San Diego Chargers couldn't cover 71% of the Flat Earth if they were made of water, and yet I am supposed to believe they are now going to cover a 5.5 point spread against Jon Gruden and his Vegas cronies? I don't think so Peter Banning. Give me the Raiders, their Vegas buddies calling in favors, and the 5.5 points.
Pick: Raiders (+5.5)
Arizona Cardinals @ San Francisco 49ers (-3.5)
Nope. Not gonna do it. There are not enough derogatory words in the English language to describe this game. Moving on.
Pick: Cards (+3.5)
Minnesota Vikings @ Philadelphia Eagles (-3)
Los Angeles Rams @ Seattle HGHawks (+7)
I think we are heading for a Eagles-Rams NFC Championship game. So I will be betting as if that is a fact until something changes my mind.
Pick: Eagles (-3) Rams (-7)
Dallas Cowboys @ Houston Texans (-3.5)
Does anyone else sit up at night wondering what Zeke Elliot's favorite soup is? Or is it just me?
#FeedHimMoreSoupClapperMan
Pick: Cowboys (+3.5)
Washington @ New Orleans Saints (-6)
All I am going to say about this game is that there is no way in hell I am not going to bet against Drew Brees at home on Monday Night football the same night he breaks Peyton Manning's NFL record for most passing yards in NFL history (Drew needs 201 yards to break the record).
Pick: Saints (-6)
Baltimore Ravens @ Cleveland Browns (+3.5)
As a concerned gambler, I could not in good conscience sit idly by and let the NFL/Vegas get away with robbing the Cleveland Browns of their hard fought win/cover against the Oakland Raiders last week. So, that is why I decided to write a very stern letter to the NFL/Vegas, letting them know exactly what I thought about them treating me -- and every Browns' bettor/fan around the world -- like "The Sisters" treated Andy Dufrense during the worst year of his life at Shawshank Prison.
Here is that letter:
Dear NFL/Vegas, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes!
Love,
Pick: Browns (+3.5)
(The Informer note - Seriously though, the NFL should be ashamed of themselves for overturning that first down. What a gosh damn joke. You suck you cheating NFL.)
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Kansas City Chiefs (-3)
The Chiefs are the best team in football not named the Los Angeles Rams. They have best quarterback not named Tim Tebow to ever walk the face of the Earth. And they are only giving three points at home to Blake Bortles? Am I missing something here?
Pick: Chiefs (-3)
Tennessee Titans @ Buffalo Bills (+5.5)
I know the Titans are coming off of a huge win against the Super Bowl champions, and that I am supposed to be scared of home dogs, but I physically can't bring myself to bet on the Buffalo Bills anymore this season unless they are getting 14 or more points (they are 1-0 against the spread when getting at least 14 points).
Pick: Titans (-5.5)
New York Giants @ Carolina Panthers (-6.5)
Here is my expert opinion on this game: The Giants suck.
Pick: Panthers (-6.5)
Denver Broncos @ New York Jets (-1)
Yikes . . . Let's go ahead and file this contest under the "I would not watch this dumpster fire of an abomination with your eyes" section. Which of course means it is time to completely ignore this atrocity the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game, and instead hand out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:
I know that I am going straight to H.E.C.K for laughing, but damn that one made me chuckle.
Pick: Broncos (+1)
Atlanta Falcons @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-3.5)
Do you all think Ashton Kutcher is punking us with this whole "Julio Jones can't catch a touchdown" thing? I mean seriously, how the f*** is this even possible? We have one of the greatest wide receivers in the history of the NFL -- and a guy who is on pace to become the first ever wide receiver with 2,000 yards in a single season - - and yet he hasn't caught a touchdown pass in his last nine games?
I just don't understand how this is possible.
Anyways, I am grabbing the hook this week (aka the extra half point) while expecting both teams to put up 60 points. Oh and I will also be betting Julio Jones over .5 touchdowns #ThisIsTheWeek
Pick: Falcons (+3.5)
Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions (-1)
To all of you experts betting the Lions against Aaron Rodgers this week . . . I salute you. You keep dreaming those dreams and wishes those wishes, while I keep cashing my checks at the bookies office.
Pick: Packers (+1)
Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals (-6)
You know what I felt last week watching A.J. "The Sickness" Green catch the game winning touchdown while at the same time costing me a Super Picks contest and illegal gambling wager win?
Absolute pride.
Why pride you ask?
Because last week I set out to jinx the Falcons (so the Bengals would win) by betting them every which way I could and it absolutely worked. So naturally, since my gambling jinx worked to perfection last week, I am going to run the jinx angle back again this week by making the Dolphins my Lion King Lock of the Week.
Pick: LKLOTW Dolphins (+6)
Oakland Raiders @ San Diego Chargers (+5.5)
The San Diego Chargers couldn't cover 71% of the Flat Earth if they were made of water, and yet I am supposed to believe they are now going to cover a 5.5 point spread against Jon Gruden and his Vegas cronies? I don't think so Peter Banning. Give me the Raiders, their Vegas buddies calling in favors, and the 5.5 points.
Pick: Raiders (+5.5)
Arizona Cardinals @ San Francisco 49ers (-3.5)
Nope. Not gonna do it. There are not enough derogatory words in the English language to describe this game. Moving on.
Pick: Cards (+3.5)
Minnesota Vikings @ Philadelphia Eagles (-3)
Los Angeles Rams @ Seattle HGHawks (+7)
I think we are heading for a Eagles-Rams NFC Championship game. So I will be betting as if that is a fact until something changes my mind.
Pick: Eagles (-3) Rams (-7)
Dallas Cowboys @ Houston Texans (-3.5)
Does anyone else sit up at night wondering what Zeke Elliot's favorite soup is? Or is it just me?
#FeedHimMoreSoupClapperMan
Pick: Cowboys (+3.5)
Washington @ New Orleans Saints (-6)
All I am going to say about this game is that there is no way in hell I am not going to bet against Drew Brees at home on Monday Night football the same night he breaks Peyton Manning's NFL record for most passing yards in NFL history (Drew needs 201 yards to break the record).
Pick: Saints (-6)
1 comment:
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