The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 9

Here are The Informer's Week 9 NFL picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life. 

BUFFALO BILLS @ NEW YORK JETS (+3)

Honestly, with how terrible I am picking Thursday Night Football (2-7 on the year), I have absolutely no idea why I keep doing this to myself. But in the spirit of full disclosure; here is The Informer's proof of loss Thursday Night Football tweet:

I’m taking Bills (-3) on #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) November 2, 2017

Pick: Bills (-3)

DENVER BRONCOS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-8.5)

I have never claimed to be a smart man, but even I know that you would have to be an absolute drunken moron to bet Brock Osweiler on the road verses a team that is 6-2 against the spread in 2017?

Pick: Donkeys (+8.5)

LOS ANGELES RAMS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+4.5)

Q: Hey Informer since no one gives two sh*ts about this Rams-Giants game: Can you use this section to tell us who you think is going to win the NFL MVP, Rookie of the Year and the Super Bowl?

I mean, I am sure there is someone out there --  maybe Jared Goff's mother, or Eli Manning's brother -- who is excited to watch the Rams-Giants play football on Sunday. But since you asked so nicely for me to skip this game, I really have no choice but to oblige. 

• I have Tom Brady winning the MVP because of the fact that he is going to throw for 5,000 yards while winning 12-13 games for the number one seeded team in the AFC. 
• I have Leonard Fournette winning the Rookie of the Year because Fournette is going to lead the Jaguars to the playoffs and the NFL rules clearly state: "If you are the reason the Jacksonville Jaguars make the playoffs you must be given the ROY award." 
• And finally, I have New England over Seattle in the Super Bowl. 

Pick: Giants (+4.5)

CINCINNATI BENGALS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (-6)

I swear to Tim Tebow, this is a an actual screen-shotted conversation that my wife and daughter had heading to school on Thursday:

Just saying; if my daughter having nightmare's about AJ Green getting fired from the Bengal Tigers is not some kind of omen to make Cincinnati this week’s Lion King Lock of the Week --than I don’t know what in the hell an omen is.

Pick: LKLOTW Bengals (+6)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3)

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-7)

I am taking Tampa Bay (+7) and Carolina (-3) because I got drunk editing this article and had a "feeling" both of these teams were going to cover on Sunday. To answer the next question: Yes, getting drunk off of Natty Lights and picking a team because "I got a feeling" is how I make 98% of my NFL picks.

#TheMoreYouKnow

Pick: Tampa Bay (+7) Panthers (-3)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-13)

Because of the DeShaun Watson injury my bookie does not have an up to date line for this game; therefore I am using the line that was set in my Las Vegas Super Picks contest before Watson was hurt. And, well, since this is the line I have no choice but to follow the “always take the points when Tom “I am not related to Fred” Savage is a double-digit favorite.

Pick: Colts (+13)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-3.5)

If anyone has information as to why Mike Mularkey hates Derrick Henry will you please share it with me? Because I for the life of me can't figure out why the dude refuses to give a 6'3 250lb Mack truck -- that runs a 4.5 40 yard dash -- the football. It does not make any sense whatsoever. Seriously Mike, this is not rocket Scientology, just just give the "*******" ball to Derrick Henry.

Pick: Titans (-3.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+3)

Ladies and gentlemen per "Informer" tradition, we are going to skip talking about this dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is passing off as a football game, and use this section to hand out the Week 9 Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

#ClassicBrowns #AfroMan4Life #MustHaveHiredTheDolphinsAssitantCoach.

Pick: Cardinals (-3)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-7)

I have no real reason as to why I am sharing these(other than to fill space), but here are nine of my favorite stats heading into Week 9 of the 2017 NFL Season.

1. Adrian Peterson only needs one rushing touchdown this week to become the ninth player in NFL history to reach 100 career rushing touchdowns. The bad news for Adrian? He is playing the San Francisco 49ers; a team he has zero career touchdowns against (in four games), and the team that once held him to a career low three yards rushing during AP's 2007 rookie season.
2. Sticking with Peterson; AP needs 91-yards rushing to move passed Thurman Thomas for the 15th most rushing yards all-time.
3. Larry Fitzgerald needs 42 yards receiving to pass Tim Brown for sixth all-time in NFL history.
4. Matt Ryan needs one TD pass on Sunday to become the 21st player in NFL history to throw at least 250 career TD passes. He also needs three TD passes to move past Drew Bledsoe on the all-time career list. Furthermore -- the 2016 NFL MVP -- needs 17 more TD passes to leapfrog Bledsoe, Dan Fouts, Sonny Jurgensen, Dave Krieg, Joe Montana and Vinny Testaverde and into the Top 15 career TD passes.  
5. The New England Patriots are 43-7 in games Rob Gronkowski scores a touchdown. They are 14-1 all-time when the "Big Gronkbowski" catches multiple TD passes.
6. Russell Wilson has 20,201 career passing yards and 142 touchdown passes. Andrew Luck has 19, 078 career passing yards and 132 TD passes.
7. The five worst teams against the spread in 2017 are: Arizona (1-6), Tampa Bay (1-5-1), Cleveland (2-6), Washington (2-5) and the defending NFC Champion Atlanta Falcons (2-5).
8. The Five best teams against the spread in 2017 are: Kansas City Chiefs (6-2), New York Jets (6-2-1), Philadelphia Eagles (6-2) Houston Texans (5-2) and the New Orleans Saints (5-2).
9. Jay Cutler needs to throw four interceptions on Sunday night to surpass Tom Brady for the 56th most interceptions in NFL history. 

#YouCanDoItJay.

Pick: HGHawks (-7)

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-3)

As mentioned above, the Kansas City Chiefs are 6-2 against the spread and easily one of the four best teams in the NFL. In other words: Why in the hell is Vegas giving this team points?

Pick: Chiefs (+3)

(The Informer after the pick thought - I know we already shared the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week, but I found this meme late on Saturday night and I couldn't stop laughing. So with that in mind, here is the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week Part Deux:

#CryingHardLaughingFaceEmoji.)

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3.5)

I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . . I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . . I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .  I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime!!!

It doesn’t really have the same ring as the “I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime”, but why the hell not? Give me the drunk one and the points on Sunday Night Football. 

Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)

DETROIT LIONS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (+2)

NFL gambling rules clearly say to beware of the home underdogs in Primetime when you have two mediocre teams playing. 

Pick: Packers (+2)

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 6

Here are The Informer’s Week 6 2017 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3.5)

My Thursday night proof of loss Tweet:

I’m taking Carolina -3.5 tonight #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 12, 2017

Pick: Panthers (-3.5)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (+3)

This is probably not going to be a huge surprise since 80% of the public is already making the same bet, but I am making Aaron Rodgers the Lion King Lock of the Week. 

The logic is simple: Sometimes Vegas gives us the gift of Aaron Rodgers vs Case Keenum and we just needs to open our wallets and accept it. 

Pick: LKLOTW Packers (-3)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-14)

NFL Gambling rules clearly state a person must always bet Jay Cutler when the "Drunk One" is getting two touchdowns on the road the same week one of his coaches resigned because of a cocaine scandal.

Pick: Dolphins (+14)

DETROIT LIONS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-5.5)

Q: Informer I was told last week you actually tried to inform people with real stats. Is this true? Did you for once give actual NFL facts instead of making constant jokes about your Natty Light abuse and how fat you are? If it is true, could you do it again this week? I mean, not an entire article, but maybe one section filled with some stats your readers need to know heading into Week 6?

Other than pointing out the part where you obviously misspelled "you're", I guess my answer to your request would be ask and you shall receive. With that in mind here are my Top 6 most favorite stats heading into Week 6. 

1. The great Adrian Peterson needs three rushing touchdowns to become just the 10th player in NFL history to rush for 100 career touchdowns. 
2. Speaking of the recently traded -- and hopefully rejuvenated --- Peterson, the Cardinals back needs just 484 yards this season to pass Thurman Thomas (12,074) Franco Harris (12,120), Marcus Allen (12,243), Edgerin James (12,246), Marshall Faulk (12,279) and Jim Brown (12,312) on the all-time rushing list.
3. Larry Fitzgerald needs 15-yards to pass Steve Smith for seventh place on the all-time receiving yards chart.
4. Antonio Brown will move into the Top 60 most career receiving yards if he hauls in 63-yards on Sunday.
5. Sticking with receiving records: Demaryius Thomas (needs 49-yards) and Julio Jones (needs 95) have a chance to become the 92nd and 93rd players in NFL history to reach 8,000 career receiving yards. 
6. And finally, with a touchdown catch on Sunday, Chris Hogan will become the first Pats WR since Randy Moss in 2007 to catch a TD in five straight games.

Pick: Lions (+5.5)

SAN FRANCISCO @ WASHINGTON (-11)

Things I would rather do than watch the 49ers & Redskins play football on Sunday: Order a salad at Blimpies. Go up against Jay Cutler in a beer drinking contest. Put the urine from a Miami Dolphins assistant coach in my whizzinator. Purposely drink Milwaukee’s Best Light. Have Eminem free-style rap about me. Play Edward Norton's part in a live reenactment of the American History X shower scene. Bet Ben Roethlisberger's under total interceptions during a home game against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Give away my Rashaan Salaam rookie cards. And finally, I would rather bet against Tom Brady on the day he passes Brett Favre and Peyton Manning for most wins by a QB in NFL history.

In other words; I will not be watching the 49ers and Redskins play football on Sunday.

Pick: 49ers (+11)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ NEW YORK JETS (+9)

As I just said; I am not about to bet against Tom Brady on the day he passes Brett Favre and Peyton Manning for most wins by a QB in NFL history.

Pick: Pats (-9)

CHICAGO BEARS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-6.5)

Did you know that exactly 17 years ago on October 15th (in the year 2000) the Chicago Bears lost to the Minnesota Vikings 28-16 on Sunday Night? 

I for one know this because that was the same night Randy Moss caught his 34th career touchdown in just his 38th NFL game. 

Why does The Informer remember this obscure Randy Moss stat you ask? 

Well, because that night a high school Informer had a girl over to his house for a date for the first time in his life. And well, without going all Penthouse forum on you, I would like the record to show that night ended with a celebratory "Randy Moss scored a touchdown" French Kiss. 

In the words of Paul Harvey: "Now you know the rest of the story."

Pick: Ravens (-6.5)

PITTSBURGH @ KANSAS CITY (-3.5)

Here are this week’s “I am going to make fun of Ben Roethlisberger because he threw five interceptions against the Jacksonville Jaguars and cost me money” jokes of the week.

Q: What happened to the joke Big Ben Roethlisberger told his receivers?

A: It went over their heads.

Q: What is Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite lottery game?

A: The Pick Six.

Q: Why do Pittsburgh Steelers fans smell so bad?

A: So blind people can hate them to.

via GIPHY

(PS- Until the Chiefs don’t cover a spread (they are 5-0 this season), they are a must bet every single NFL Sunday.)

Pick: Chiefs (-3.5)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-9)

Some of you may not know, but this is the 10th NFL season I have been writing a NFL picks article. And since it is year 10, I thought I would try a new gimmick where I use something I wrote from 10 years ago to describe one of this week's games. 

So with that in mind, here is an exact excerpt (I swear to Tebow it is word for word) from The Informer's Week 6 2008 NFL Picks article: 

"Ummm . . . The Browns really suck!" 

#SomethingsNeverChange

Pick: Texans (-9)

TAMPA BAY @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (+1.5)

As much as I love the Adrian Peterson trade for Adrian Peterson -- because I want to see him actually get a chance to run the football which Arizona should allow him to do -- I still can't pick the Cardinals to beat a Tampa team that just went toe to toe with Tom Brady and had 10 days to prepare for the free-falling Cardinals. 

Pick: Tampa Bay (-1.5)

LOS ANGELES RAMS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS(-2.5)

The Informer’s Gambling Rule #751: If you have a chance to bet against the Jacksonville Jaguars and Vegas is nice enough to give you 2.5 points . . . You always take the points and bet against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Pick: Rams (+2.5)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3.5)

Gambling Rule #752: When you have two bad teams you always take the points. Especially when the favored team is starting a quarterback with a broken traverse . . . Whatever the hell that means?

Pick: Chargers (+3.5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-12)
TENNESSEE TITANS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+6.5)

Ladies and gentlemen as you can see we have a two way tie for this week’s dumpster fire of atrociousness the NFL is trying to pass off as a "Primetime must watch" football contest. 

This of course means instead of wasting any time discussing the trash the NFL is serving up as a main course, we are going to close this article by handing out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week with a little help from our old friend Tyrone Biggums:

Pick: Giants (+12) Colts (+6.5)

#GO FOOTBALL!!!