The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 6

Q: Hey Informer do you have any regrets about your 5-10 NFL Picks record in Week 5?

You mean like betting against Tom Brady at home in Primetime while he was playing the Colts? Or losing my Lion King Lock of the Week because the Miami Dolphins couldn't protect a 17-0 second half lead (which means they were up 23.5-0 per the spread)? Or maybe you are asking if I regretted breaking all the gambling rules by betting against three teams that were home underdogs/home teams favored by less than three points (those teams went 3-0, I went 0-3)?

If that is what you are asking, then my answer is no. I don't regret anything. Sure I wish I would have won, but at the end of the day I made my picks based off of years of scientific research  a drunken gut feeling and I have no regrets where that feeling led me to. Even if it was to the post office to mail my bookie a check that could have been used to by all of the Patrick Mahomes rookie cards. 

Q: What about that tweet you sent after finding out your kids soccer game was canceled? Do you regret that?

What tweet? I don't remember sending any tweet out about my daughter's soccer games.

Q: Are you really going to sit there and pretend you don't remember this?

I'm not saying it was my best moment as a dad, but here was live video footage of me finding out my daughter's 2pm Sunday soccer game was canceled due to rain # pic.twitter.com/nJaFRk0w4R

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 7, 2018

Oh you meant that tweet? Yea, I 100% regret sending that tweet. In fact I am 100% certain that tweet -- and not my drunken gut feelings --  was the entire reason my picks were an absolute dumpster fire of an abortion last week.

Q: Spin it how ever your want Informer,  but the fact remains that you are an utter embarrassment to the internet and you should probably just delete your blogger account. But, because I know you are a stubborn jackass who thinks people actually read this garbage,  could you maybe give us one really cool stat before we get to this week's picks?

Using the word "utter" before calling me an embarrassment seems a bit harsh. But I guess in the end you did ask nicely, so I will answer answer your question with this really interesting and cool stat:

Here are the Top 10 NFL career touchdown pass leaders in 1994

1. Fran Tarkenton - 342
2. Dan Marino - 328
3. Johnny Unitas - 290
4. Joe Montana - 273
5. Sonny Jurgensen - 255
6. Dan Foutes - 254
7. John Hadl - 244
8. Y.A. Tittle - 242
9. Len Dawson - 239
10. George Blanda -236

Here is Top 10 NFL career touchdown pass leaders in 2018

1. Peyton Manning - 539
2. Brett Favre - 508
3. Tom Brady - 500
4. Drew Brees - 499
5. Dan Marino - 420
6. Philip Rivers - 355
7. Eli Manning - 345
8. Fran Tarkenton -342
9. Ben Roethlisberger - 340
10. Aaron Rodgers - 323

Isn't it wild that today seven of the Top 10 greatest touchdown throwers in NFL history are quarterbacks who were not even in the NFL the year Joe Montana retired with the fourth most touchdown passes in NFL history (Brett Favre was finishing his third season)?

Furthermore, how good was Fran Tarkenton? I mean the dude retired in 1978 and yet his passing numbers still hold up today despite the evidence showing us the NFL is now a pass happy league. That is simply amazing.

Sticking with Fran: Did you know that Tarkenton held the TD record from 1978 to 1995 (17 years)? Then Dan Marino held the record from 1995 to 2007 (12 years). Brett Favre then held the record from 2007 to 2014 (seven years). And finally Peyton Manning will hold the record from 2015 until sometime in 2019 when Tom Brady or Drew Brees breaks his record (four years). 

So I guess my point/question is: Will we ever see someone hold this record for 17 years again? Or is it just going to keep changing hands every 2-7 years?

And finally, if this stat  repeats history, that means in 24 years seven of the greatest statistical quarterbacks in NFL history will have been replaced by guys who may or may not even be playing college football right now. 

Think about that for a second. 

Anyways, now that we have all been "informed" about the future of NFL quarterbacks with this week's really cool stat of the day, here are The Informer's Week 6 NFL Picks.

As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The N.F. Informer is strictly prohibited.

Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Giants (+3)

Here is The Informer's proof of pick Thursday Night Football Tweet:

Im taking the Eagles (-1) #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 11, 2018

Ladies and gentle people, your eyes are not deceiving you. That is a Thursday night win.

Pick: Eagles (-3)


Seattle HGHawks (-3) @ Oakland Raiders (in London)

Over the past Fortnight I have been Sod Off by the fact that I am a Tosser who has Lost the Plot when it comes to picking Bloody NFL games. Hell, I have been Cocking Up so badly by handing out Crusty Dragon picks that I was actually thinking about quitting in order to become a Chap-Scrubber On the Pull for Starker Daft-Cows who don’t know the difference between their Knackers and Strawberry Creams.

But then I realized quitting would make me a complete Axe Wound who should be forced to Go to Her Majesty’s Pleasure just like all the Pounces that Filch from the Khazi Slappers who give you Nookie for money. So, because I didn’t want to be a complete Areshole Axe Wound, I decided I am going to get back to being Aces by betting against the Chav Knobhead Raiders on Sunday. 

Now, don’t get your Knickers in a Twist Raiders fans, I do think you have an Anorak offense, and that there is a chance I Throw a Spanner in the Works, but the fact remains your defense is going to See a Man about a Dog on Sunday; which means they will not be Up for it against a Seattle offense that just went toe to toe with the 2018 NFC Champions. 

Again, I am not Arse over Tit for this pick, but Before you Bite your Arm off, please keep in mind the Raiders -- who are basically playing their fourth road game of the young 2018 season -- have been All fur coat and no knickers in 2018. So I literally have no choice but to Leg over the points and take the HGHawks while making myself a couple of Easy-peasy Quids. 

Bob's your uncle. 

Pick: HGHawks (-3)


Arizona Cardinals @ Minnesota Vikings (-10)

There is no way the Vikings lay another egg against a double digit dumpster fire . . . Right?

Pick: Vikings (-10)


Los Angeles Chargers @ Cleveland Browns (-1.5)

I am going to keep riding the red hot covering Browns (they are 4-1 on the season against the spread) until they turn back into the Browns and cost me money. 

Pick: Browns (-1.5)


Tampa Bay @ Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)

Here is a meme of motivational speaker Matt Foley expressing my exact feelings on the 2018 Atlanta Falcons:

Pick: Falcons (-3.5)


Carolina Panthers @ Washington Redskins (+1)
Indianapolis Colts @ New York Jets (-2.5)
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals (-2.5)
Los Angeles Raiders @ Denver Donkeys (-6.5)

Remember last week when every home underdog/ home team that was favored by less than three points covered? And then after this happened I got Jay Cutler wasted and swore to Tim Tebow that I would never -- not even if their was a fire -- bet against a home dog/ home team favored by less than three points ever again?

Well, I give you this weeks picks that involve home dogs/ home teams favored by less than three points . . . #I really am a moron.

Pick: Panthers (-1) Colts (+2.5) Steelers (+2.5) Rams (-6.5)


Chicago Bears @ Miami Dolphins (+3)

Speaking of home dogs: Did you know that Ryan Tannehill was downgraded to questionable on Friday with a shoulder injury and may not play in this game? This means that there is a good chance Brock Osweiler is going to start/play quarterback in this game.

Folks please re-read that last sentence. Because it says: THERE IS A CHANCE BROCK OSWEILER PLAYS QUARTERBACK IN THIS GAME!!!

And, well, any time there is a chance for "Brock to Brock", The Informer's gambling rules clearly stat that I have to make the team he is going to "Brock" against the Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Bears (-3)


Buffalo Bills @ Houston Texans (-10)

Abortion. Trash. Dumpster fire. Open Hatchet Wound. Crud. Sewage. Balderdash. Gross. Yuck.

In other words, here is this Week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week starring the beautiful Selena Gomez:

The Internet can be really mean sometimes #Memes & Words Hurt You Know? 

Pick: Bills (+10)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Dallas Cowboys (+3.5)

Give me the home dog against a team without a good running back so they have to plan their entire offense around Blake Bortles being a great quarterback. 

Pick: Cowboys (+3.5)

Baltimore Ravens @ Tennessee Titans (+3)

Give me the home dog against a team without a good running back so they have to plan their entire offense around Joe Flacco being a great quarterback. 

Pick: Titans (+3)

Kansas City Chiefs @ New England Patriots (-3.5)

I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . .I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again!!!!!

Just so we are all clear, I am totally betting against Tom Brady in Primetime again. In the words of the great Forrest Gump: "I am not a smart man."

Pick: Chiefs (+3.5)

San Francisco 49ers @ Green Bay Packers (-9.5)

Aaron Rodgers in Primtime. That is my expert opinion as to why you should bet the Packers on Monday Night Football. 

Pick: Green Bay (-9.5)

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 5

Here are The Informer's Week 5 NFL picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon. 

NEW ENGLAND @ TAMPA BAY (+4.5)

My proof of Thursday night pick Tweet:

I’m taking New England (-4.5) for the game & Pats (-3) in the 1st half #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 5, 2017

Pick: Pats (-4.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-6.5)

I am going to bet the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday because the gambling rules state a person is always supposed to bet against the West Coast team flying to the East Coast and playing an eleven o'clock game.

Now, just to show this bet is strictly business and nothing personal against the Arizona Cardinals and their fans, I figured I would share two fun Arizona Cardinal facts that everyone should know heading into Week 5. 

1. Larry Fitzgerald is 66 yards away from moving past Steve Smith for the seventh most receiving yards in NFL history. 
2.  Carson Palmer needs two TD passes this week to pass Warren Moon for 11th all-time, and just 10 more TD passes to pass John Elway for 10th all-time. 

Like I said before, Arizona is definitely going to lose and not cover on Sunday, but hopefully their fans will be able to watch a little bit of history along the way. 

Pick: Eagles (-6.5)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (+3)

I know everyone wants to make fun of Jay Cutler for taking a smoke break in the middle of the game last week. But before you start making those disparaging remarks about a man exercising his rights to free smoking, I want you all to remember this: Jay Cutler has more career touchdown passes than Troy Aikman, Kurt Warner, Phil Sims, Joe Theismann, Roger Staubach and Tim Tebow. 

As far as the gambling goes; it is literally against my religion to illegally bet Matt Cassel as a road favorite over a desperate team playing their first “real” home game of the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Dolphins (+3)

NEW YORK JETS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (PK)

Here are The Informer’s “Im going to make fun of the Browns for sucking” jokes of the week:

Q: Did you hear about the Cleveland Brown’s football player who fell from his horse and was nearly trampled to death?
A: Luckily, the manager of the WalMart was able to come to the rescue and unplug the horse.

Q: How are the Cleveland Browns like a possum?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road! 

And finally,

The other day my wife was crying because the vacuum cleaner stopped working. Through the hysteria I did the only thing I could think of; I put a Browns jersey on the vacuum and wouldn’t you know it the damn thing started to suck again.

via GIPHY

Pick: Jets (PK)

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-1.5)

On Sunday Frank Gore needs four yards rushing to reach 13,256 career yards. If he accomplishes this feat, he will move past Eric Dickerson for 7th all-time in NFL history. 

Now, I don’t know what the official gambling rule book says about this situation, but my personal philosophy is that whenever Frank Gore is going to make NFL history the same day as the Colts franchise unveils a statue of Peyton Manning --I have no choice but to bet the Colts. 

Pick: Colts (-1.5)

BUFFALO BILLS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-3.5)

LeSean McCoy needs two rushing touchdowns this week to pass Ahman Green, Terrell Davis, Herschel Walker and the newly freed O.J. Simpson for career rushing touchdown. 

In the semi changed words of Forrest Gump: "That's all I have to say about that."

Pick: Bills (+3.5)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ DETROIT LIONS (-2.5)

Here are three fun facts about Panthers quarterback Cam Newton: 

1. Last week Cam Newton become the first quarterback in NFL history to rush for 50 career touchdowns. 
2. With two more rushing touchdowns, Newton will move into a three way tie for the 65th most rushing touchdowns in NFL history. 
3. And finally, if the former NFL MVP runs for 10 more touchdowns in his career, he would move into the Top 50 all time. 

Pick: Panthers (+2.5)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-7.5)

Sticking with facts about great quarterbacks in the NFL: Here are five absolutely made up facts inspired by the awesome “Blake Bortles Facts” twitter account:

1. Blake Bortles once beat "Drunk" Jay Cutler in a beer drinking contest.
2. Blake Bortles is Chuck Norris' biological father.
3. Blake Bortles and Batman have never been seen together in the same room. Coincidence?
4. Blake Bortles watched an entire season of 24 in 6.5 hours. 
5. Blake Bortles has never lost a game in Pittsburgh by less than 8 points (his only game against the Steelers he lost 17-9). 

Honestly, as great as the great Blake Bortles is (watching a full season of 24 in 6.5 hours is f*****g impressive), I just can't bring myself to look past the fact that he has never lost a game by less than 8 points against the Pittsburgh Steelers.  

Pick: Steelers (-7.5)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-3.5)

Ladies and gentlemen, it is officially time to skip over this week’s dumpster fire of atrociousness the NFL is calling a football game in order to hand out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:

Pick: Giants (-3.5)

SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-1.5)

I have absolutely no way to verify the accuracy of this statement, but I am pretty sure that this is the first time in his career (this will be the 11th game) that Russell Wilson has been an underdog against the Rams. 

Well, because the Rams have not been here before (being favored over a good team), I am going to stick to the "let's let them prove it before we Denny Green their asses" NFL gambling rule and take the HGHawks.

Pick: HGHawks (+1.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3)

The Ravens suck. The Raiders without Derek Carr suck. In turn this NFL contest literally sucks. 

And since that is all of the expert analysis I am prepared to give on this game: How about we use this section to hand out The Informer's Week 5 NFL Super Pick Contest selections and 10-point teaser of the week?

Super Picks Contest Selections:New England (-4.5) Bills (+3.5) Packers (+2.5) Seattle (+1.5) Chiefs (PK)

4 Team 10-point Teaser (all teams must cover to win): Steelers (+5.5) Panthers (+15.5) Packers (+15.5) and Chiefs (+13) . . . Bet $70 to win $50.

Pick: Ravens (+3)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-3)

Did you know Jason Witten is fourth all time in NFL history with 1,108 catches (trailing in order: Jerry Rice, Tony Gonzalez and Larry Fitzgerald)? Did you also know that Witten needs just six yards to move into the Top 25 for most career receiving yards?

Speaking of elite receivers and weird stats that I find interesting: Did you know heading into this game Dez Bryant has one more career touchdown catch than Packers great Jordy Nelson (69 to 68)? For the sake of clarity, it should be pointed out that Bryant has only played 101 career games compared to Nelson’s 125 games. 

Putting the obscure receiving stats aside and getting back to gambling business; on Sunday I will be following the NFL gambling rule that says whenever Aaron Rodgers is getting points against the Dallas Cowboys, I have no choice but to make Aaron Rodgers my Lion King Lock of the Week. 

Pick: LKLOTW Packers (+3)

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (PK)

The Kansas City Chiefs are 4-0 straight up, 4-0 against the spread and 4-0 in games that Kareem Hunt reaches 100 total scrimmage yards. Now, I can't speak for anyone else, but this "Chiefs being 4-0 thing" seems like a gambling trend I want to partake in. 

Pick: Chiefs (Pk)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3)

Here is The Informer’s final fun fact of the day:

Back in 1999 Cade McKnown -- the first bears quarterback drafted in the Top 15 since the Jim McMahon era -- started his first NFL game on October 10th during Week 5 of the 1999 NFL Season. In that game, the McKnown led Bears defeated the Minnesota Vikings 24-22. 

Fast forward 18 years and Mitch Trabanski -- the first Bears quarterback drafted #2 overall since the George Halas era began -- is starting his first NFL game on October 9th during Week 5 of the 2017 NFL Season against the Minnesota Vikings. 

So either this is the biggest coincidence in the history of the world (I don't believe in coincidences), or we are about to see NFL history repeat itself on Monday Night Football with a Chicago Bears rookie QB getting his first win, in his first start, against the Minnesota Vikings. 

#TheTrabanskiEraBegins #DABEARS

Pick: Bears (+3)