Showing posts with label Gardner Minshew. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gardner Minshew. Show all posts

Sunday, October 13, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 6


Here are The Informer's Week 6 2019 NFL Picks. As always, please remember to use these picks for degenerate and illegal purposes only. 

I hope you all enjoy (and win).

 New York Giants @ New England Patriots (-17)

The Informer’s Proof of Thursday Night Pick Tweet:

Before we move on I would like to point out that there was no mention of the 1st half under in Primetime in the above tweet. This was done because for the foreseeable future I am no longer making the 1st half under a guaranteed great bet. So, until I say otherwise, the 1st half under in primetime -- while still my favorite bet of all time -- is not something I recommend on an automatic basis. It is now a case by case bet that I will make closer to kickoff depending on the points, teams and circumstances around the game.

Pick: Pats (-17)

Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay (+2.5)

Finally, The Informer has a Bloody excuse to start Hoovering down Pale Ale’s while the Buggers are still Kipping. 

Excellent. 

As for the Match itself; The Informer is putting a double Tenner on the Dodgy Bucs because London games tend to be Wonkier than a Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a Bog Roll in case the Bucs Shamble the bed, or that Knob Head "Run CMC' Throws a Spanner in the Works like a Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog. 

Either way, it will not matter if you have Twigs & Berries or a Fanny; if the Bucs can break Mike Evans out Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be Starkers Daft Cows eating Bangers and Chips while counting our Dobbers’s before going Off to Bedshore.

Shag Strawberry Creams and Arse. Easy Peasy One off Across the Pond wagers are Wicked Cool on Sundays.

Bob’s Your Uncle.

Pick: Tampa (+2.5)

Seattle HGHawks @ Cleveland Browns (+1)

85% of the public is betting against the home underdog who is due for a bounce back game after Taking the Piss on Monday Night Football. To answer the next question: Yes, The Informer is one of the 85 percenters.

Pick: HGHawks (-1)

Houston Texans @ Kansas City Chiefs (-4)

Patrick Mahomes is sort of injured. The Chiefs defensive sucks more than a hooker eating an extra large black licorice lollipop. And finally, Kansas City is 2-3 against the spread on the year including three straight no-covers.

What I am trying to say is: "I am obviously betting Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs". 

Pick: Chiefs (-4)

Washington Redskins @ Miami Dolphins (+3.5)

Hahahahahahahaha.

I love a good dumpster fire of a clogged toilet abortion joke. 

Well played NFL. Well played.

Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Minnesota Vikings (-3.5)

I’m supposed to bet Kirk Cousins as a 3.5 point favorite over the team many expect to be in the Final Four NFC teams come January?

In the words of Marsha Brady: "Sure Jan".

Pick: Eagles (+3.5)

New Orleans Saints @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-2.5)

Ladies and gentlemen here is the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:


#MakesSense #ClassicMilksteak

Pick: Saints (+2.5)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens (-11)

I took the “every person in the history of NFL suicide polls is picking the Ravens” in my NFL winner pool today.

So naturally, that means the Bengals are going to come out and play their best game of the year. I am just hoping their best game is not enough to win on the road. But just in case it does mean they can win this game; The Informer is going to hedge with a Bengals +11 bet. 

Pick: Bengals (+11)

San Francisco 49ers @ Los Angeles Rams (-3)

Gambling rules clearly state: “A gambler should not get enamored with a road team coming off of a Monday Night Football win where they looked like the best team in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!”

Pick: Rams (-3)

Atlanta Falcons @ Arizona Cardinals (+2.5)

I have never been a crackhead, but I assume that the cravings I get every week to bet the Falcons -- despite the thousands of dollars and teeth they have caused me -- is the same craving those heads of crack get when they go 24 hours without the rock pipe.

#Why can’t I quit you Matty Ryan?

Pick: Falcons (-2.5)

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Jets (-7)
Tennessee Titans @ Denver Donkeys (-1.5)

I am betting both the home teams. Feels like I am betting 0-2. #Yolo.

Pick: Jets (+7) Donkey’s (-1.5)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ San Diego Chargers (-6)

This game sucks, so instead of wasting my time pretending like I care what happens, here is an impromptu Twitter mailbag.
Is Captain Morgan Rum? If so it makes my Top 3. My list actually goes: Vodka, Captain Morgan and Goldschlager.

(PS-Chup and well done steak is the only way to go through life my friends.)
Answers in order:
  • Of course the moon landing was filmed in Hollywood. If you see it on TV then it is either fake, staged, rigged, scripted or all of the above. In this case; the government needed to keep the Flat Earth a secret so they hired Hollywood to fake a moon landing in order to keep the masses from knowing the truth. 
  • Did Harry Stamper save the world from a giant asteroid? Is The Informer 14.5 beers deep at 8:30 in morning? Is Cocaine a hell of a drug? Does Tom Brady have six Super Bowl rings? Does The Informer put cottage cheese on his lasagna? Is Pussy Control Prince’s best song? Is The Informer losing an NFL Picks contest to a 9-year old prodigy? Does Ketchup belong on steak? Are you picking up my answer through all of these cryptic questions?
  • Is it 14? I honestly don’t know.
The dinosaurs did not die, or go extinct. You know how I know? Because dinosaurs never really existed. They are a figment of Al Gore's imagination that Hollywood then used to make billions of dollars selling movies. Just like they did with Aliens, Predators, Sylvester Stallone and 1984 Delorean's with Lamborghini doors.

The answer to “why did you put the same movie into two different polls”, or "why did you spell 'insert any word' wrong in this tweet is simple: The Informer is an alcoholic.


The first Lord of the Rings (I have not seen the other two). I just did not like it so I skipped the next two.

I find it interesting that Smackdown has now become the A show after USA treated the WWE so well over the past 26 years. With that said; I stopped watching wrestling full time because they diluted the product to the point that I now settle for reading recaps and listening to podcasts over actually watching. So definitely take my thoughts on this matter with a grain of 1980s WWF cocaine. 

And finally, I was asked by a private account (which means I can't use their tweet as proof) to name my favorite kid movies I have watched with my children. To answer this question, I decided to make a list to show me and my children's actual favorite movies to watch together. Then I made a second list to show actual kid cartoon movies that we enjoy.

Here is our actual Top 5:
  • The New Power Rangers Movie
  • The New Ghostbusters movie
  • The Parent Trap
  • 3 Ninjas
  • The Original Ghostbusters movie
And here are our Top 5 kids (aka cartoon) movies:
  • The Lego Movie
  • Toy Story
  • Frozen
  • Moana
  • The Lion King
Speaking of The Lion King: The San Diego Chargers are The Informer's Lion King Lock of the week. The reason for this bet is because I have no idea who in the bluest of blue Hells the Steelers QB is. So I’m definitely not betting on him to play well in his first NFL start, on the road, and in Primetime.

Pick: Lion King Lock of the Week Chargers (-6)

Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers (-4)

Everyone grab your "mid-evil times" religious flogging device and repeat after me:

I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I WILL NOT BET AGAINST AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME!!!!

Are we all on the same “I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime” page?

Good. Great. Grand.

Pick: Packers (-4)

That is it for this week’s blog. I truly hope your Week 6 is filled with winning bets, covering teasers and all of the Natty Lights your liver can filter.

See you next Sunday.

Informer out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

 Overall: 43-34-1

 Last Week: 8-6-1

 Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 4-1
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