Showing posts with label The Informer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Informer. Show all posts

Sunday, October 13, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 6


Here are The Informer's Week 6 2019 NFL Picks. As always, please remember to use these picks for degenerate and illegal purposes only. 

I hope you all enjoy (and win).

 New York Giants @ New England Patriots (-17)

The Informer’s Proof of Thursday Night Pick Tweet:

Before we move on I would like to point out that there was no mention of the 1st half under in Primetime in the above tweet. This was done because for the foreseeable future I am no longer making the 1st half under a guaranteed great bet. So, until I say otherwise, the 1st half under in primetime -- while still my favorite bet of all time -- is not something I recommend on an automatic basis. It is now a case by case bet that I will make closer to kickoff depending on the points, teams and circumstances around the game.

Pick: Pats (-17)

Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay (+2.5)

Finally, The Informer has a Bloody excuse to start Hoovering down Pale Ale’s while the Buggers are still Kipping. 

Excellent. 

As for the Match itself; The Informer is putting a double Tenner on the Dodgy Bucs because London games tend to be Wonkier than a Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a Bog Roll in case the Bucs Shamble the bed, or that Knob Head "Run CMC' Throws a Spanner in the Works like a Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog. 

Either way, it will not matter if you have Twigs & Berries or a Fanny; if the Bucs can break Mike Evans out Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be Starkers Daft Cows eating Bangers and Chips while counting our Dobbers’s before going Off to Bedshore.

Shag Strawberry Creams and Arse. Easy Peasy One off Across the Pond wagers are Wicked Cool on Sundays.

Bob’s Your Uncle.

Pick: Tampa (+2.5)

Seattle HGHawks @ Cleveland Browns (+1)

85% of the public is betting against the home underdog who is due for a bounce back game after Taking the Piss on Monday Night Football. To answer the next question: Yes, The Informer is one of the 85 percenters.

Pick: HGHawks (-1)

Houston Texans @ Kansas City Chiefs (-4)

Patrick Mahomes is sort of injured. The Chiefs defensive sucks more than a hooker eating an extra large black licorice lollipop. And finally, Kansas City is 2-3 against the spread on the year including three straight no-covers.

What I am trying to say is: "I am obviously betting Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs". 

Pick: Chiefs (-4)

Washington Redskins @ Miami Dolphins (+3.5)

Hahahahahahahaha.

I love a good dumpster fire of a clogged toilet abortion joke. 

Well played NFL. Well played.

Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Minnesota Vikings (-3.5)

I’m supposed to bet Kirk Cousins as a 3.5 point favorite over the team many expect to be in the Final Four NFC teams come January?

In the words of Marsha Brady: "Sure Jan".

Pick: Eagles (+3.5)

New Orleans Saints @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-2.5)

Ladies and gentlemen here is the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:


#MakesSense #ClassicMilksteak

Pick: Saints (+2.5)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens (-11)

I took the “every person in the history of NFL suicide polls is picking the Ravens” in my NFL winner pool today.

So naturally, that means the Bengals are going to come out and play their best game of the year. I am just hoping their best game is not enough to win on the road. But just in case it does mean they can win this game; The Informer is going to hedge with a Bengals +11 bet. 

Pick: Bengals (+11)

San Francisco 49ers @ Los Angeles Rams (-3)

Gambling rules clearly state: “A gambler should not get enamored with a road team coming off of a Monday Night Football win where they looked like the best team in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!”

Pick: Rams (-3)

Atlanta Falcons @ Arizona Cardinals (+2.5)

I have never been a crackhead, but I assume that the cravings I get every week to bet the Falcons -- despite the thousands of dollars and teeth they have caused me -- is the same craving those heads of crack get when they go 24 hours without the rock pipe.

#Why can’t I quit you Matty Ryan?

Pick: Falcons (-2.5)

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Jets (-7)
Tennessee Titans @ Denver Donkeys (-1.5)

I am betting both the home teams. Feels like I am betting 0-2. #Yolo.

Pick: Jets (+7) Donkey’s (-1.5)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ San Diego Chargers (-6)

This game sucks, so instead of wasting my time pretending like I care what happens, here is an impromptu Twitter mailbag.
Is Captain Morgan Rum? If so it makes my Top 3. My list actually goes: Vodka, Captain Morgan and Goldschlager.

(PS-Chup and well done steak is the only way to go through life my friends.)
Answers in order:
  • Of course the moon landing was filmed in Hollywood. If you see it on TV then it is either fake, staged, rigged, scripted or all of the above. In this case; the government needed to keep the Flat Earth a secret so they hired Hollywood to fake a moon landing in order to keep the masses from knowing the truth. 
  • Did Harry Stamper save the world from a giant asteroid? Is The Informer 14.5 beers deep at 8:30 in morning? Is Cocaine a hell of a drug? Does Tom Brady have six Super Bowl rings? Does The Informer put cottage cheese on his lasagna? Is Pussy Control Prince’s best song? Is The Informer losing an NFL Picks contest to a 9-year old prodigy? Does Ketchup belong on steak? Are you picking up my answer through all of these cryptic questions?
  • Is it 14? I honestly don’t know.
The dinosaurs did not die, or go extinct. You know how I know? Because dinosaurs never really existed. They are a figment of Al Gore's imagination that Hollywood then used to make billions of dollars selling movies. Just like they did with Aliens, Predators, Sylvester Stallone and 1984 Delorean's with Lamborghini doors.

The answer to “why did you put the same movie into two different polls”, or "why did you spell 'insert any word' wrong in this tweet is simple: The Informer is an alcoholic.


The first Lord of the Rings (I have not seen the other two). I just did not like it so I skipped the next two.

I find it interesting that Smackdown has now become the A show after USA treated the WWE so well over the past 26 years. With that said; I stopped watching wrestling full time because they diluted the product to the point that I now settle for reading recaps and listening to podcasts over actually watching. So definitely take my thoughts on this matter with a grain of 1980s WWF cocaine. 

And finally, I was asked by a private account (which means I can't use their tweet as proof) to name my favorite kid movies I have watched with my children. To answer this question, I decided to make a list to show me and my children's actual favorite movies to watch together. Then I made a second list to show actual kid cartoon movies that we enjoy.

Here is our actual Top 5:
  • The New Power Rangers Movie
  • The New Ghostbusters movie
  • The Parent Trap
  • 3 Ninjas
  • The Original Ghostbusters movie
And here are our Top 5 kids (aka cartoon) movies:
  • The Lego Movie
  • Toy Story
  • Frozen
  • Moana
  • The Lion King
Speaking of The Lion King: The San Diego Chargers are The Informer's Lion King Lock of the week. The reason for this bet is because I have no idea who in the bluest of blue Hells the Steelers QB is. So I’m definitely not betting on him to play well in his first NFL start, on the road, and in Primetime.

Pick: Lion King Lock of the Week Chargers (-6)

Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers (-4)

Everyone grab your "mid-evil times" religious flogging device and repeat after me:

I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I WILL NOT BET AGAINST AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME!!!!

Are we all on the same “I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime” page?

Good. Great. Grand.

Pick: Packers (-4)

That is it for this week’s blog. I truly hope your Week 6 is filled with winning bets, covering teasers and all of the Natty Lights your liver can filter.

See you next Sunday.

Informer out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

 Overall: 43-34-1

 Last Week: 8-6-1

 Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 4-1
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Sunday, October 6, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 5



Los Angeles Rams @ Seattle HGHawks (PK)

The Informer’s proof of pick tweet:


Pick: HGHawks (PK)

Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers (+3)

I think the Ravens win this game. So I will be betting them. With that said, after back to back losses, I have decided Lamar Jackson is no longer in The Informer’s “expert opinion” Top 5 MVP rankings.

Speaking of which: Here are The Informer’s “expert opinion” Top 5 MVP rankings:
  1. Patrick Mahomes - The reigning 2018 NFL MVP had one of the worst games of his professional career last week and still ended up with 315 yards passing, 54 yards rushing and a 34-30 road victory. So yea, he is stays at number one for me.
  2. Russell Wilson - The HGHawks leader gets the benefit of already having won his Week 5 game, but even with the one game advantage it is hard to argue against Wilson -- and his 12-0 TD-INT ratio through five games -- being in the MVP talks.
  3. Tom Brady - One bad game (which the Pats won) does not take the great Tom Brady out of The Informer's MVP race. I am just saying; when the season ends and the Pats are 15-1 do you really think the voters are going to be talking about a Week 4 game against the Bills?
  4. Dak Prescott - I got Dak ahead of Aaron Rodgers for now.
  5. Aaron Rodgers - We will find out Sunday if it stays that way.  
Pick: Ravens (-3)

Chicago Bears @ Oakland Raiders (+5.5)

Normally The Informer would be a Skive Toff and put a Fiver on the Chav home underdogs. But wouldn’t you know it; this Bloody Match is taking place Across the Pond in Wembley Stadium. So the normal gambling Rubbish doesn’t count, even if It’s Monkeys Outside. So with that said; I like the Meat and Two Veg Chicago Bears to get Plastered and put the All to Pot John Gruden’s Into Her Majesty’s Pleasure. Obviously this bet won’t Horses for Courses. But if a few Bits n Bobs go Anorak, The Informer’s John Thomas will be going Off to Bedshore with an On the Pull Punter whose nice Strawberries and Cream are looking to get Up the Duff.

What The Informer is trying to say is grab some Fish n Chips, grill up the Bangers and turn the Telly on. Because on Sunday this Daft Cow is gonna Do Starkers like a Blighty Smeg creating a Dog’s Dinner for everyone.

Seriously you Wankers, this pick is Dog’s Bollocks.

Bob’s your uncle.

Pick: Bears (-5.5)

Arizona Cardinals @ Cincinnati Bengals (-3)
Jacksonville Jags @ Carolina Panthers (-3)

I am betting the two home teams. I literally have nothing else to add to this section of the blog.

Pick: Bengals (-3) Panthers (-3)

Minnesota Vikings @ New York Giants (+5.5)

Other than Dalvin Cook -- and maybe Evan Engram -- this game completely bores me. So instead of giving you hard gambling statistics as to why I am betting the Minnesota Vikings, here are three of The Informer’s favorite Draft King lineups for Sunday.

QB- Matty Ice
RB - Dalvin Cook
RB - Run CMC
WR - DJ Charks Jr
WR - Mohammad “What’s” Sanu
WR: Courtland Sutton
TE - Evan Engram
Flex - Miles Sanders (breakout week I think)
Defense- Panthers

QB - Thomas Brady
RB - Jordan Howard
RB - Run CMC
WR - DJ Chark Jr
WR - Courtland Sutton
Wr - Golden Tate
TE - Evan Engram
FLEX - Phillip Linsey
Defense- Patriots

QB- Lamar Jackson
RB - Leonard Fournette
RB - Derrick Henry
WR - Phillip Dorsett
WR- Mike Evans
WR - Courtland Sutton
TE- Austin Hooper
Flex - Mark Andrews
Defense- Pats

Pick: Vikings (-5.5)

New England Patriots @ Washington (+15.5)

Last night I had a dream The Informer was very upset that the Washington Redskins scored a last-minute touchdown to back door cover the spread and help Vegas screw 85% of the public who were betting the Patriots.

So obviously, since dreams are for suckers and never come true, I am going to be betting the Pats on Sunday.

Pick: Pats (-15.5)

New York Jets @ Philadelphia Eagles (-15)

Ladies and gentlemen here is the Blimpie Best Garner Milksteak meme of the Week:


#TheLegendContinues

Pick: Jets (+15)

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans Saints (-3)

My hard hitting gambling analysis is this: I am going to bet the Saints at home because I don’t see Tampa Bay beating the Rams-Saints on the road in back to back weeks.

Pick: Saints (-3)

Atlanta Falcons @ Houston Texans (-4)

I think this tweet pretty well sums up how I feel about this game:

Pick: Falcons (+4)

Buffalo Bills @ Tennessee Titans (-3)

Has anyone mentioned that this is a rematch of the “Music City Miracle” game? No? Just me? I am the only person in the entire internet who remembers the "Music City Miracle"?

That is strange.

Anyways, which means please don’t make me bring up Frank Reich’s comeback as well, I am betting the Bills because I love Josh Allen.

Pick: Bills (+3)

Denver Broncos @ San Diego Chargers (-5.5)

Me: The Denver Donkey’s really suck at football. I mean they are total garbage trash sh*t.

Also Me: Give me a unit on the Donkey’s +5.5. I got a good feeling about them this week.

Pick: Donkey’s (+5.5)

Green Bay Packers @ Dallas Cowboys (-3)

Aaron Rodgers getting points in Dallas is a bet I am willing to wager on.

Pick: Packers (+3)

Indianapolis Colts @ Kansas City Chiefs (-12.5)

I have decided that I am going to bet on Patrick Mahomes every single game from now until the day he reitres. I don’t care the points, the teams, or the situation: If Mahomes is playing The Informer is betting his side.

Pick: Chiefs (-12.5)

Cleveland Browns @ San Francisco 49ers (-3.5)

Before we get to my Monday Night football pick -- and wrap this blog up -- I thought we could do a quick impromptu Twitter mailbag?

Doesn’t that sound fun?

Okay, here we go:

The Joker, Darth Vader, Kate from Titanic and Danielson.


You mean where a disgruntled team owners drops all of his players and totally Throws a Spanner in the Works for the entire league? I absolutely f***ing hate it. If your team sucks, or a guy gets injured, or you didn't know the rules and drafted like a Tosser; don't be a Knob Head by "sabotage dropping" your team so that the entire league is ruined. Accept the fact that you are a Fanny Arse and take your beating like the Bugger you are.



I once ate a footlong Blimpe Best with an 8oz "well done" ribeye steak on the side --with ketchup of course -- and washed it down with a tall boy Natty Light. That's gonna be pretty tough to beat.

There has literally never been anything truer in the history of the flat Earth.

I have no idea what in the blue hell QBR is. So I don’t really know how or what they measure it by. But I will say if Patrick Mahomes is the current QBR leader then they are probably doing it correctly.

I haven’t seen Joker yet, but it looks like a movie that I will probably watch when it comes available on DVD.


I had trouble narrowing it down to just five things, so instead I went and bought a bigger time capsule box and put all of these items in.
  • My Randy Moss Vikings #84 jersey I’ve had since 1998.
  • A Blimpie’s free sandwich punch card.
  • An Armageddon BlueRay disc.
  • A Twinkie (since they don’t expire)
  • A 40oz of Natty Light.
  • My PlayStation3 (I’m not giving up my PS4 for a time capsule).
  • This link to the “One Night in Paris” X-rated movie.
  • Tom Brady
  • A Nickelback greatest hits CD.
  • A VHS tape of the Nebraska Cornhuskers winning the 1996 Fiesta Bowl.
  • The October 1989 edition of Playboy magezine.
  • A bottle of Heinz 57 ketchup (just in case they still have steak in the future).
  • A pair of Allen Iverson “The Answer 3” shoes.
  • A log of Skoal Mint long cut.
  • It’s Always Sunny complete seasons DVd set.
  • A box of Magnum condoms.
  • Bill Simmons’ Book of Basketball
  • A pack of Pall Mall reds.
  • Rollerblades.
  • And finally, this picture of Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter shirtless.


  1. Twix and Scream - Twix is my favorite candy and Scream is my favorite scary movie franchise. So obviously they go together like lamb and tuna salad.
  2. Milky Way and Ernest Scared Stupid - When I think about my childhood I think about Milky Ways and Ernest (that’s not really true, but it sounds good so I'm gonna leave it in the blog).
  3. Snickers and Friday the 13th - Snickers and Jason have been haunting camp counselors since they were invented.
  4. P.B. Cups and Halloween- I feel like PB cups are the original candy of the world and Michael Myers is the original Horror movie villain. So naturally they have to be paired together.
  5. Skittles and A Nightmare on Elm Street - Skittles have five flavors and Freddy Kruger has five knives as fingers? Does that work? Or is The Informer drunk again? Maybe we should move on?

I searched the internet for at least six minutes and I could not find any scientific evidence, or Al Gore quotes, that would disprove the theory that Chicken Nuggets are the perfect food.


Thank you for the great tweet and the many great questions. I really appreciate it. As for the answers: Miami. You misspelled Blimpies. Yes. All in the Family is not in my Top 10. And finally, Natty Light is not beer --it is the nectar of the Tim Tebow’s.


Yes the Browns will make the playoffs. In fact, not only are the Browns going to make the playoffs, I think they are going to beat the 49ers outright on Monday Night football. Which of course means I have not choice but to make the Browns (+3.5) The Informer's Week 5 Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Browns (+3.5)

 That is a wrap for folks. Once again I want to thank everyone on Twitter who took the time to ask me a question and helped make this blog great again.

I really do appreciate you all.

And finally, I hope everyone reading this has a happy Sunday filled with winning parlays, backdoor covers, Patrick Mahomes touchdowns and all of the Natty Lights your liver can handle.

Informer out.


THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

 Overall: 35-28

 Last Week: 8-7

 LKLOTW: 2-2

 Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 3-1

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Sunday, September 29, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 4

 

 Q: Nice call on the 1st half under in primetime last night Informer. And by nice call I obviously mean total sh**. Seriously, you follow up a 7-9 Week 3 with an under bet that was damn near covered by both teams individually? Is it hard to suck that bad at life? Or do you come by it naturally? Honestly, I would call you trash, but that would be an insult to trash. Why don't you do the world a favor and delete your blog already?

Well, I sure am glad I decided to start this week's article with some emails from the made up readers. That looks like it was a real smart decision. On the bright side, at least I was not called fat or ugly this time.

Q: One more thing Informer, you are an ugly overweight wilderbeast. 

I walked right into that one. But for real, are there any actual sports or gambling questions?

Q: I got one Informer: What is the one thing you hate the most about the 2019 NFL Season?

The thing I hate the most about the 2019 NFL Season -- other than Andrew Luck retiring -- is the new pass interference challenge rule. The thing is an absolute disaster. The refs apparently have been told to not change the call on the field unless one of three things happens 1) Vegas needs the team who would benefit from the challenge to win/cover. 2) A murder, rape or shooting takes place. 3) The refs missed an egregious pass inference call (whatever the f*** that means)?

Just look at what happened on Thursday night. The refs had three chances to change obvious pass inference missed calls and each time they totally ignored the video evidence and stuck with the non-call on the field.

So my question becomes: Why the hell do we even have the new rule if they are not going to use it to get the call right?

And don't give me this "it has to be egregious" (seriously I don't even think that is a real word) crap. If there is an obvious pass interference -- like the Eagles defensive player grabbing, hitting, punching, impeding, holding, inappropriately touching and obviously interfering with the receiver -- then use the technology to make the right call.

I guess my point is this: If they are not going to change these calls when its obvious, then why even use the technology? Just go back to the old way and we can all live with the bad call on the field. At least that would be better than getting boned over by the call a second time when the refs see the video evidence and still refuse to admit they f***ed up.

Q: Okay Informer, what is the one thing you love the most?

I will give you two: Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes. They are awesome and my favorite thing about every NFL football Sunday.

Q: Is Felix Hernandez a Hall of Famer?

Ummm . . .Wrong blog dude (my answer is no though).

Q: Who are your Top 5 MVP candidates through three weeks?
  1. Patrick Mahomes - No one has been better then Patrick Mahomes through three weeks. 
  2. Tom Brady - No one not named Patrick Mahomes has been better than Tom Brady through three weeks.
  3. Lamar Jackson - Losing a shoot-out against Patrick Mahomes doesn't drop Lamar out of my Top 5 MPV rankings. But I am watching to see how he responds in Week 4 against the Browns. 
  4. Dalvin Cook - Cook is on pace for 2,400 total yards from scrimage on a team that is going to be fighting for a playoff spot. Sounds like an MVP candidate to me. 
  5. Aaron Rodgers - If Aaron Rodgers is going to lead the Packers to the NFC North Championship (which I am predicting) he is going to be in the MVP conversation.
Q: How can you call yourself an expert at making NFL picks when you are getting smoked by a nine year old? You are a fraud Informer. You somehow tricked people into thinking you knew something when the reality is anyone can do what you do. Even a kid.

Have you ever heard of Bobby Fisher? Or Adam Banks? Or MacCaulley Culkin? Or Young Sheldon?

Those "kids" as you call them happened to be prodigies. You know what a prodigy is? Its a person who is a genius even though the outside world would call them a "kid".

Well guess what, I am starting to think "Young AC" is a prodigy when it comes to making NFL picks.

So yea, I take absolute no shame in getting beat by a genius. Furthermore, if being a fraud means I am going to keep my six games above .500 record (27-21 ATS) throughout the season -- along with my "winning 80% of the time" first half under in Primetime bets -- then please sign me up as the biggest fraud on the internet. 

Because if being that fraud means winning, I am happy to keep up the act.

And on that note, here are The Informer's Week 4 NFL Picks.

As always please remember that these picks are only to be used for shady illegal bets made with guys named "Slim", "Suds", "Big Tuna", "Jim" or anything that rhymes with the words "Slick Willy", "Big Wussy" or "Small Rick".

Philadelphia Eagles @ Green Bay Packers (-4)

The Informer's proof of Thursday Night Football Pick:



Pick: Eagles (+4)

Carolina Panthers @ Houston Texans (-5)

Is a guy named Kyle really going to win back to back NFL road games? Just seems far-fetched to me.

Pick: Texans (-5)

Cleveland Browns @ Baltimore Ravens (-7)

I have zero scientific logic, theories on the flat Earth, or gambling statistics to back up my pick; but I am grabbing the points and betting the Browns. 

Pick: Browns (+7)

Washington Redskins @ New York Giants (-3)

When two crappy teams are playing against each other the rules clearly state one must always take the points. Even if that means betting the Redskins on the road.

Pick: Washington (+3)

San Diego Chargers @ Miami Dolphins (+15.5)

Normally, since I took the Chargers in my winners suicide poll, I would bet the Dolphins as a just in case hedge bet. But I am not going to do that today and here is why: The Miami clogged toilets suck donkey rectum and I refuse to put money on them.

How’s that for scientific gambling data.

Pick: Chargers (-15.5)

Oakland Raiders @ Indianapolis Colts (-7)

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again with the same results. Yet here I am, totally not insane, once again betting the Oakland Raiders as a heavy road underdog.

In the words of the great Roy Munson: "Who you calling a psycho?"

Pick: Raiders (+7)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Detroit Lions (+7)

For fun here is one of the DraftKings lineups The Informer set up for today:

QB: Mahomes
RB: McCoy
RB: Williams (the non injured one)
WR: Sammy Watkins
WR: D. Robinson (from Chiefs)
WR: Mecole Hardman
TE: Travis Kelce
Flex: D. Freeman (Falcons)
D: Chiefs

I guess what I’m trying to say is I think the Chiefs are about to have a huge day.

Pick: Chiefs (-7)

New England Patriots @ Buffalo Bills (-7)

The Buffalo Bills are 3-0 when I use their section of the blog to hand out the Blimpie Best meme of the week. So for the sake of trying to help the Billsmafia out here is the Blimpies Best meme of the Week: 



Picks: Pats (-7)

Tennessee Titans @ Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)

Here are 10 random stats that I found interesting heading into the Week 4 season.
  1. The New England Patriots defense is on pace to only give up 90.6 points this season.
  2. The NFL record is currently held by the Chicago Bears who in 1985 gave up 198 total points.
  3. Tom Brady needs 414 yards to pass Drew Brees for third place all time.
  4. Tom Brady's career high for passing yards in the city of Buffalo is 466.
  5. Larry Fitzgerald needs five receptions to pass Tony Gonzalez for second place all time.
  6. Julio Jones needs four more yards to reach 11,000 career receiving yards.
  7. If Jones surpasses the mark today, he will have accomplished the feat in just nine season and 114 career games.
  8. For comparison sake: It took Jerry Rice nine seasons and 133 games to surpass 11k.
  9. Speaking of milestones and records -- AC the Gambling Kid Prodigy -- is currently 35-12-1 with his straight up NFL picks and 29-19 against the spread. 
  10. To put that in perspective: According to NFL picks watch dot com his 29-19 record ATS is the third best of any expert on the internet. 
As for this game, The Informer is completely stealing AC's pick and laying the points #As the old saying goes: "If you can't beat the prodigy, use his picks to make yourself look better and make money".

Pick: LKLOTW Falcons (-3.5)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Los Angeles Rams (-10.5)

Sticking with "AC the Prodigy" here are his Week 4 picks. If you would like to get his reasoning behind the picks please click this link and go watch his YouTube video. I am not lying when I say the kid has massive talent.

AC against the Spread: Packers (-4) Falcons (-3.5), Giants (-3), Chargers (-15.5), Raiders (+7), Texans (-5), Chiefs (-7), Pats (-7), Rams (-10.5), Hawks (-5.5), Bears (PK), Jags (+2.5), Cowboys (-2.5) & Steelers (-3)

AC straight up to win: Packers, Giants, Chargers, Raiders, Texans, Chiefs, Ravens, Pats, Rams, Hawks, Bears, Jags, Boys & Steelers

Pick: Tampa (+10.5)

Seattle HGHAWKS @ Arizona Cardinals (+5.5)
Minnesota Vikings @ Chicago Bears (PK)

Two road teams that the majority of the public betting money is backing.

What could go wrong?

Pick: Vikings (PK) HGHawks (-5.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Denver Donkeys (-2.5)

10 random Gardner Milksteak facts:
  1. When "The Milksteak" gives you the finger, he is telling you how many seconds you have before he throws a touchdown pass.
  2. Gardner Milksteak can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you have ever tasted.
  3. There is no play clock in games involving Gardner, because "The Milksteak" decides what time it is.
  4. Gardner Milksteaks real name is Gardner Minshew.
  5. Gardner Milksteak tells Simon what to do.
  6. Gardner Milksteak refers to himself in the fourth person.
  7. Every time Gardner Milksteak throws an interception a Unicorn is born. It's just to bad that the Milksteak never throws interceptions.
  8. Gardner Milksteak can throw a football right between a cyclops eye.
  9. Gardner Milksteak can cut a butter knife with a football.
  10. And finally, Gardner Milksteak eats pieces of Denver Donkey's for breakfast. 
Pick: Jags (+2.5)

Dallas Cowboys @ New Orleans Saints (+2.5)

The Saints backup quarterback tricks were fun for a week, but I don't think they can do it two weeks in a row.

Pick: Cowboys (-2.5)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-3)

Nope. Not doing it. Next.

“Informer you can’t do the next gimmick, this is the Monday night football game.”

Wait, again? Are you serious? What did ESPN do to make the NFL so mad at them?

Yikes. 

Well, I am obviously not going to waste any time talking about the Steelers or the Bengals, so how about I just remind everyone that the 1st half under is 21.5 and wrap this blog up.

Is that a good plan?

Awesome.

Pick: Steelers (-3)

That’s it for Week 4. Good luck to everyone reading. I truly hope your Sunday is filled with Natty Light, winning parlays and enough back door covers to build your own Blimpies sub shop.

See y’all next week.

Informer out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

 Overall: 27-21

 Last Week: 7-9

 LKLOTW: 2-1

 Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 2-1


(The Informer after the blog straight up to win picks: Packers, Falcons, Chargers, Colts, Chiefs, Ravens, Pats, Rams, Hawks, Vikings, Donkeys, Boys, Steelers)
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Sunday, September 15, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 2


Here are The Informer’s Week 2 NFL Picks. As always, please remember that these picks are only to be used for reckless and illegal gambling purposes.

Tampa Bay @ Carolina Panthers (-6.5)

Proof of Thursday night pick tweet:



Pick: Carolina (-6.5)

San Francisco 49ers @ Cincinnati Bengals (PK)

Me: Okay Informer, if you are ever going to be taken seriously as a writer you need to cutdown on the bull crap. That means no more random out of context tidbits, stories or rants. I’m being serious Informer. From this point forward useless facts and tangents are strictly forbidden.

Also me:

Did you know the 49ers and Bengals have a total of 34 combined letters in their names (17 for each team)? Did you also know that is not the most combined letters for two teams playing against each other? Nope there are actually four NFL combinations (all involving the Jacksonville Jaguars) that have a total of 37 combined letters.

Those matchups are

Jacksonville Jaguars and Pittsburgh Steelers
Jacksonville Jaguars  and Washington Redskins
Jacksonville Jaguars and Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Jacksonville Jaguars and New England Patriots

#TheMoreUselessStuffYouKnow

(The Informer actual gambling note of the day- This line has moved from Bengals -2 to a pick’em; which means all of the public money is currently on the 49ers. So keep that in mind when you are building your brand new Casino placing your bets.)

Pick: Bengals (PK)

San Diego Chargers @ Detroit Lions (+1.5)

I don’t really care about these two teams, so instead of talking about them how about we discuss The Informer’s “After Week 1” MVP rankings?
  1. Lamar Jackson - A right handed Michael Vick. I honestly think if he stays healthy Baltimore is gonna be  right there with Kansas City and New England come January.
  2. Patrick Mahomes - Remember when all the experts said to wait on a quarterback because Mahomes was going to high in fantasy drafts? Yea those people were wrong. I mean seriously, the dude had 315 yards passing in the first half. He is amazing.
  3. Tom Brady - That’s What I love about these Tom Brady football games: "I get older and he stays the same age."
  4. Sammy Watkins - If he catches 3 TDs a week I think he will have a shot to win the award.
  5. Dak Prescott - If the Cowboys win the NFC East, then Dak will be in the MVP conversation.
Pick: Lions (+1.5)

Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers (-3)

That whole Top 5 ranking thing was kind of fun. I think we should do some more of that. So here are five more random lists of "Informer Top 5 Favorite Things."

NFL  nicknames
  1. Josh “The Cannon Missile” Allen
  2. Gardener “Milksteak”
  3. AJ “The Sickness” Green
  4. Mitch “Trabanski”
  5. Marlon “Return of the Mack”
2019 TV Shows
  1. It’s Always Sunny
  2. Yellowstone
  3. BH90210
  4. Blue Bloods
  5. NFL Primetime #ItsBackBaby
Sub Sandwich Shops
  1. Blimpies
  2. Jersey Mike’s
  3. Firehouse Subs
  4. Which Wich
  5. Jimmy John’s
Keno Number Combinations
  1. 17-52
  2. 2-13
  3. 6-17
  4. 1-69-80
  5. 2-4-6-13-17-20
Fast & Furious Movies
  1. Fast & Furious 1
  2. Fast & Furious 4
  3. Fast & Furious 7
  4. Fast & Furious 5
  5. Fast & Furious 6
Pick: Packers (-2.5)

Indianapolis Colts @ Tennessee Titans (-3)

I may not be a scientist, but even I am smart enough to know that there is no way on Tim Tebow's Green Earth the Tennessee Titans are going to lose at home on the same day they retire Steve “Air” McNair and Eddie George’s jerseys.

Go ahead and Lion King Lock this in as a Titans win and cover folks.

Pick: LKLOTW Titans (-3)

New England Patriots @ Miami Dolphins (+19)

75% of the public is betting against an 18.5 point double digit home underdog.

Tom Brady is 1-5 in his last six games in Miami.

The Patriots under Bill Belichick  are 0-5 against the spread when the line is over 18 points.

“Informer are you seriously trying to make a case for betting the Miami Dolphins against Tom Brady? Man I think you have finally drank yourself stupid. Seriously, there is not enough gambling rules in the world to entice me to place hard earned money on the clogged toilet of a dumpster fire piece of s*** Miami Trash.”

Did you just say "clogged toilet of a dumpster fire piece of s***? That's a weird use of the English language flex, but ok. I like it. As far as the gambling goes; I am just letting you know what the rule book says. And in this case the rule book clearly states you have no choice but to bet the Miami clogged toilets.

Pick: Clogged Toilets (+19)

Buffalo Bills @ New York Giants (+1.5)

As long as Josh “The Cannon Missile” Allen keeps winning, I have no choice but to keep using his section for the Blimpie Best meme of the week:


I don't care who you are, that is freaking hilarious. #SugeBelichick

Pick: Bills (-1.5)

Seattle HGHawks @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-4)

Dallas Cowboys @ Washington Redskins (+6)

According to my very mediocre internet searching skills, Dallas and Pittsburgh are the two highest betted (Is betted a word?) teams this week; with each team getting 80% of the action in their favor. Well, as we keep saying on this blog, when 80% of the bets are going one way, it is smart for the person to zag the opposite way.

#KeepBuildingThemCasinosVegas #InCaseKeenumWeTrust #HGHawks.

Pick: Washington (+6) HGHawks (+4)

Arizona Cardinals @ Baltimore Ravens (-13)

65% of the public bets are on a rookie quarterback making his first career road start against the Baltimore Ravens? I just don’t like those odds.

Pick: Ravens (-13)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans (-9)

In honor of the Texans being favored by nine points, here are nine random Informer thoughts, questions and hot takes:
  1. Despite dropping his first pass since the 2017 season, I still think DeAndre Hopkins is pretty good at football.
  2. Josh Jacobs, Miles Sanders, Devin Singletary, Hockinson, Gardner Milk Steak, Kyler Murray and Hollywood Brown are rookies I love.
  3. Classic Jets. #Mono? #Really?
  4. Adrian Peterson, making his first start of the 2019 NFL season this Sunday against the Cowboys, needs one rushing touchdown to break a 5th place tie with Jim Brown for career touchdowns.
  5. Dear NFL, more Monday night doubleheaders and less Thursday night football. Please and thank you.
  6. I once said there was no way in the bluest of blue hells that I would ever pay money for the ESPN premium app. So what did ESPN do? They totally made The Informer a filthy liar thanks to their announcement that Chris Berman and Tom Jackson were bringing NFL Primetime out of retirement. It literally took me six minutes after reading the news for me to give you my credit card information. Well played ESPN. Well played indeed.
  7. I’m not sure who needs to hear this but I’m going to say it anyways: Julio Jones— aka the guy who never catches touchdowns — has caught a touchdown pass in five straight games.
  8. Tom Brady only needs three TD passes to surpass Peyton Manning for second place on the all time career list. Also, Tom Brady plays the Miami Dolphins this week. #ItWasAGoodRunPeyton
  9. I think I would not be doing my job as a famous sports blogger if I didn’t point out that the 1st half under in Primetime is 5-0 on the season.
Pick: Jags (+9)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Oakland Raiders (-7)

For fun, let's play a quick game of compare these players at age 26.

Player A: 241 receptions, 3,506 yards & 32 TDs
Player B: 241 receptions, 3,769 yards & 31 TDs

What if I told you that player A went on to become an NFL Hall of Famer who finished his career with 1,101 receptions, 13,899 yards & 130 TDs (Chris Carter), while player B is Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins who still has 15 games left in his age 26 season?

I wanted to bring up this comparison for a few reasons. First, I found it interesting that both guys came into the NFL with huge expectations but only lasted 3-years with the teams that drafted them (Carter & Eagles, Watkins & Bills). Secondly, I wanted to point out that while Sammy's career has not gone the way many experts (myself included) expected, if you look at what Carter did after his age 26 season; then it would appear Watkins still has plenty of time to achieve that greatness.

I for one am 100% rooting (and expecting now that he has Mahomes as his QB) for Sammy to do it. Because the NFL is always better when great players reach their great potential.

Pick: Chiefs (-7)

Chicago Trabanski’s @ Denver Donkey’s (+2.5)

Things I would rather do then bet Mitch Trabanski as a road favorite:

Wash the dishes. Eat asparagus. Crack. Watch Nic Cage’s movie “The Wicker Man”. Go for a jog. Tell my wife she is overreacting. Put goat cheese on my pizza. Drink Coors Light. Lose to a 9-year old in an NFL Picks off. Go scarf/vail shopping with Cam Newton. Order a fake impossible Whopper from Burger King. Bet the 1st half over in Primetime. And finally, I would rather bet Joe Flacco starting his first home game as a Denver Donkey in the stadium that made him a hero.

Pick: Donkey’s (+2.5)

New Orleans Saints @ LA Rams (-1.5)

If the WWE NFL writers really want this Saints-Rams feud to reach its full potential, then they have to put the Rams over on Sunday. And if they are truly looking for“X-PAC” nuclear heat, then they have no choice but to let the Rams win with a questionable penalty call from Earl Hebner the refs late in the game.

Of course, if the writers -- in the name of being best for Fox business -- are going to script the Saints into a “Montreal Screw Job” finish on Sunday; then I have no choice but to load the heels Rams

Pick: Rams (-1.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Atlanta Falcons (+2.5)

I’m betting the Atlanta Falcons. I have no good reason or scientific data to support this decision. This is purely an "I want to root for the team I like on Sunday Night Football" so I am going to bet them pick. So please take this selection with a grain of cocaine.

Pick: Falcons (+2.5)

Cleveland Browns @ New York Jets (+2.5 & +7)

I got the Browns at (-2.5) in my Super Picks contest, but I know with Sam "Mono y Darnold" out this line jumped to (-7). I also know since it was announced "The Mono Man" was out, the public has been throwing money on the Browns like they were a rapper at the strip club. And, well, since we keep saying not to follow the public bets; I decided I will be keeping the Browns at (-2.5) in my Super Picks contest, while also betting the Jets (+7) for the cover.

In the gambling world I think this is called having your Blimpies and drinking your Natties to.

Pick: Browns (-2.5) & Jets (+7)

 That is a wrap folks. I hope your Sunday is filled with cold Natties, at least one Blimpie Best, winning parlays, backdoor covers, 1st half unders and enough 3-team teasers to kill a small community bank.

Informer out.



THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 11-5

Last Week: 11-5

Lion King Lock of the Week: 1-0

1st Half Under in Primetime: 5-0

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