The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 7

I am not going to lie; due to the Patrick Mahomes injury The Informer does not really feel like writing this blog today. I mean first it was Kevin Durant's achilles tendon. Then AJ Green's ankle gets mangled because the Bengals were practicing on the Sandlot. Then Andrew Luck retires from football altogether. And now Patrick Mahomes dislocates his kneecap doing a routine quarterback sneak?

That is literally all four of my favorite teams being taken from me in the middle of their primes. I suppose this is probably just the sports Tebow's sending karma my way for liking players -- and rooting for Tom Brady all the time -- but whatever is going on it absolutely sucks donkey balls and makes me want to cry.

Don't worry. I promise I will not cry (at least not until I drink a few more Nattys). But I do have to warn everyone reading; The Informer completely mailed this blog in. My mind is here (so the picks are solid), but my heart and spirit are to beaten down to make this an entertaining and informative read.

So I apologize in advance for my piss poor effort and execution today. It is just a really tough time in The Informer's life. I hope you all can understand that while also respecting The Informer's feelings in this terrible time of mourning.

Anyways, now that we gotten the excuses out of the way, here are The Informer's Week 7 2019 NFL Picks.

As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Donkeys (+3)

The Informer's proof of Thursday Night Football Pick:

I taking the Chiefs -3 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 17, 2019

Pick: Chiefs (-3)

Arizona Cardinals @ New York Giants (-3)

In the name of mourning -- and mailing this blog in -- here are 10 random stats about the number three heading into Week 7.

1. Tom Brady needs 3 TD passes to reach 530 total for his career.
2. Mathew Stafford needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Tony Romo & Boomer Easison and into the Top 22 all time.
3. Russell Wilson needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Matt Hasselback and Terry Bradshaw and into the Top 35 all-time.
4. Andy Dalton needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Ken Anderson and into the Top 45 all-time.
5. Ryan Fitzpatrick needs 3 TD passes to move into the Top 50 all-time.
6. Newly minted Titans starter Ryan "RT1" Tannehill needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Archie Manning and into the Top 105 all-time.
7. Jameis Winston needs 3 TD to move ahead of Chad Pennington and into the Top 130 all-time.
8. Carson Wentz needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Bill Munson and into the Top 156 all-time.
9. DeShaun Watson needs 3 TD passes to reach 60 career touchdown and move into the Top 194 all-time.
10. And finally, Kyler Murray needs 3 TD passes to become the first 2019 NFL rookie quarterback to reach 10 career TD passes.

Pick: Cards (+3)

(The Informer after the stats note - Jags rookie Gardner Milksteak actually has 9 TD passes on the year. So chances are the man, the myth, the legend will be the first to reach 10 TD passes. But that little fact didn't really go with my theme here; so I fudged the numbers a bit to make them work in my favor. Again, The Informer is mourning the loss of Patrick Mahomes, so please ignore the actual scientific facts and pretend what I was saying works. Thanks. I appreciate it.)

Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts (PK)

With Patrick Mahomes officially out of the MVP debate, here are The Informer's Top 5 2019 NFL MVPs:

1. Russell Wilson - Explanation is simple: He is the 2019 NFL MVP through six weeks.
2. Tom Brady - If the Patriots go undefeated we will have to at least discuss Tommy right?
3. Run CMC - Dude is going to break the NFL All purpose yardage record. That has to count for something.
4. DeShaun Watson - If Watson goes into Indy and wins this weekend -- which he will -- I think he firmly etches his name into the Top 5 MVP conversation.
5. Aaron Rodgers - Packers have the Raiders and suddenly vulnerable Chiefs standing in the way of a 7-1 record. So yea, I think you are going to be hearing a little more Rodgers MVP buzz in the next few weeks. 

Pick: Houston (PK)

Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills (-17.5)
San Francisco 49ers @ Washington Redskins (+10.5)

I -- like 95% of America -- have the Buffallo Bills in my "Winners" survivor poll and the Washington Redskins in my "Loser" survivor poll.

So yea.

I can totally imagine how these two "easy pick blowouts" are about to go.

Pick: Dolphins (+17.5) Washington (+10.5)

Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions (+2.5)

Here are The Informer's favorite Draft Kings' lineups for today (note -- They all involve the "Lot Lazard" and the Miami Dolphins defense. So yolo wisely folks).

QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon Barkley
RB: Lataveous Murray
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Julio Jones
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: Hunter Henry
Flex: Josh Jacobs
D: Miami Dolphins

QB: Kyler Murray
RB: Saquon
RB: Dalvin Cook
WR: Lot Lazard
WR: M. Sanu
WR: Mike Williams
TE: Evan Engram
WR: T. McLaruin (Washington Rookie Stud)
D: Dolphins

QB: Matt Stafford
RB: Saquon
RB: D Cook
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Cooper Kupp
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: TJ Hockenson
Flex: Mike WIlliams
D: Dolphins

QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon
RB: Josh Jacobs
WR: Charks JR
WR: T.Y. Hilton
WR: McLaurin
TE: Hooper
FLex: Mark Andrews
D: Dolphins

Pick: Vikings (-2.5)

Oakland Raiders @ Green Bay Packers (-5)

If you couldn't tell from my last two sections; I totally think Aaron Rodgers is going to ride the Lot Lazard to a win and a spot in the MVP conversation this weekend.

Pick: Packers (-5)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Cincinnati Bengals (+4.5)

Here is this week's Blimpie Best meme of the Week:

It is funny because it is true #BradyIsThanos.

Pick: Bengals (+4.5)

Los Angeles Rams @ Atlanta Falcons (+3)

I have lost all the money I was allowed to gamble with in 2019 betting the Falcons to cover the last four weeks. So I might as well lose all the money "I am not allowed to gamble with" betting them not to cover.

Man I love gambling. It is so much fun.

#PleaseDon'tShowThisSectionToMyWifeOrMortgageHolder

Pick: Rams (-3)

San Diego Chargers @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)
Baltimore Ravens @ Seattle HGHawks (-2.5)

I am betting the Chargers. I am also betting the HGHawks. That is it for my analysis on these game.

Pick: HGHawks (-2.5) Chargers (+2.5)

New Orleans Saints @ Chicago Bears (-4.5)

When are people going to realize the New Orleans Saints --with or without Drew Brees -- are one of the Top 4 best "teams" in the NFL? I am guessing it will be on Monday after they beat the Chicago Trabanski's.

Pick: Saints (+4.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys (-2)

Call it a "Natty Light" hunch: But I think the Eagles win this game outright. So I will be grabbing the two points and enjoying the "Philly Special Cover" in Primetime.

(I told y'all The Informer mailed this one in #WhatTheFIsAPhillySpecialCover?)

Pick: Eagles (+2)

New England Patriots @ New York Jets (+10.5)

I want everyone to listen to me very carefully: Only the drunkest of fat morons would be dumb enough to bet against Tom Brady and Bill Belichick on Monday Night Football. I promise, this is not some kind of Natty Light mind trick into making everyone bet the Jets either. I am being 100% serious. There is literally zero logical reasoning to ever betting the Jets against Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots in primetime.

Pick: Jets (+10.5)

That is a wrap for today. Again I apologize for my performance. I know it was not good enough. I will try to be better next Sunday. With that said; have a great Week 7. I hope it is filled with healthy players, lots of winning parlays and enough Natty Lights to cry yourself to sleep waiting for the great Patrick Mahomes' knee cap to heal.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 50-41-1

Last Week: 7-7

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 4-1-1

AC "The Prodigy's" 2019 NFL Picks: Week 6

Q: Hey Informer I got a question for you: Can you name a 9-year old that has now beaten you five week's in a row in NFL Picks? I know this is really a tough riddle that a novice like you would struggle with, but let me give you a hint: The answer rhymes with "High See Real Mother F****** G"?

Okay, first off kid, you are nine years old . . .Stop saying the "F-word". But yes, The Informer is very aware that you are 5-0 heading into Week 6. I am not even going to try and say words likes "fluke, everyone gets lucky, cheater, thanks a lot Al Gore"; nope I for one am a true believer.

I watch what you do every week and I say to myself: "Hell yes this kid has it."

Now I am going to give you a piece of advice heading into the future weeks: Do not start changing your process. You keep doing what you are doing the way you are doing it. Don't worry about words likes "ATS", or "Who is public betting" or anything that makes you rethink what you are doing. You have a winning formula and I want you to change absolutely nothing about it. Keep giving us your weekly winners with the score you think the game will finish at and then let The Informer figure out what that means for your picks against the spread.

Because I promise I can speak for everyone who used to read this blog to get The Informer's picks: We are all now on team "Prodigy". So please keep doing what you are doing and don't ever think about changing a thing.

With that said, and without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen here are The Prodigy's Week 6 NFL Picks. Bet against him only if you hate winning.

The Prodigy Straight UP: Patriots, Panthers, Eagles, Chiefs, Saints, HGHawks, Dolphins, Ravens, 49ers, Falcons, Donkeys, Cowboys, Chargers and Packers.

The Prodigy ATS: Pats (-17), Panthers (-2.5), Eagles (+3.5), Chiefs (-4), Saints (+2.5), HGHawks (-1.), Dolphins (+3.5), Ravens (-11), 49ers (+3), Falcons (-2.5), Donkey's (-1.5), Boys (-7) Chargers (-6.5) and Packers (-4)

For those wanting to here an explanation to why young AC is making these picks, please check out his YouTube Channel where he also likes to remind the world that An Informer maybe awesome, but he ain't no Prodigy.

Good Luck AC. Keep up the awesome work my man.

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 6

Here are The Informer's Week 6 2019 NFL Picks. As always, please remember to use these picks for degenerate and illegal purposes only. 

I hope you all enjoy (and win).

New York Giants @ New England Patriots (-17)

The Informer’s Proof of Thursday Night Pick Tweet:

New England Patriots -17 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 10, 2019

Before we move on I would like to point out that there was no mention of the 1st half under in Primetime in the above tweet. This was done because for the foreseeable future I am no longer making the 1st half under a guaranteed great bet. So, until I say otherwise, the 1st half under in primetime -- while still my favorite bet of all time -- is not something I recommend on an automatic basis. It is now a case by case bet that I will make closer to kickoff depending on the points, teams and circumstances around the game.

Pick: Pats (-17)

Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay (+2.5)

Finally, The Informer has a Bloody excuse to start Hoovering down Pale Ale’s while the Buggers are still Kipping. 

Excellent. 

As for the Match itself; The Informer is putting a double Tenner on the Dodgy Bucs because London games tend to be Wonkier than a Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a Bog Roll in case the Bucs Shamble the bed, or that Knob Head "Run CMC' Throws a Spanner in the Works like a Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog. 

Either way, it will not matter if you have Twigs & Berries or a Fanny; if the Bucs can break Mike Evans out Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be Starkers Daft Cows eating Bangers and Chips while counting our Dobbers’s before going Off to Bedshore.

Shag Strawberry Creams and Arse. Easy Peasy One off Across the Pond wagers are Wicked Cool on Sundays.

Bob’s Your Uncle.

Pick: Tampa (+2.5)

Seattle HGHawks @ Cleveland Browns (+1)

85% of the public is betting against the home underdog who is due for a bounce back game after Taking the Piss on Monday Night Football. To answer the next question: Yes, The Informer is one of the 85 percenters.

Pick: HGHawks (-1)

Houston Texans @ Kansas City Chiefs (-4)

Patrick Mahomes is sort of injured. The Chiefs defensive sucks more than a hooker eating an extra large black licorice lollipop. And finally, Kansas City is 2-3 against the spread on the year including three straight no-covers.

What I am trying to say is: "I am obviously betting Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs". 

Pick: Chiefs (-4)

Washington Redskins @ Miami Dolphins (+3.5)

Hahahahahahahaha.

I love a good dumpster fire of a clogged toilet abortion joke. 

Well played NFL. Well played.

Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Minnesota Vikings (-3.5)

I’m supposed to bet Kirk Cousins as a 3.5 point favorite over the team many expect to be in the Final Four NFC teams come January?

In the words of Marsha Brady: "Sure Jan".

Pick: Eagles (+3.5)

New Orleans Saints @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-2.5)

Ladies and gentlemen here is the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:

#MakesSense #ClassicMilksteak

Pick: Saints (+2.5)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens (-11)

I took the “every person in the history of NFL suicide polls is picking the Ravens” in my NFL winner pool today.

So naturally, that means the Bengals are going to come out and play their best game of the year. I am just hoping their best game is not enough to win on the road. But just in case it does mean they can win this game; The Informer is going to hedge with a Bengals +11 bet. 

Pick: Bengals (+11)

San Francisco 49ers @ Los Angeles Rams (-3)

Gambling rules clearly state: “A gambler should not get enamored with a road team coming off of a Monday Night Football win where they looked like the best team in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!”

Pick: Rams (-3)

Atlanta Falcons @ Arizona Cardinals (+2.5)

I have never been a crackhead, but I assume that the cravings I get every week to bet the Falcons -- despite the thousands of dollars and teeth they have caused me -- is the same craving those heads of crack get when they go 24 hours without the rock pipe.

#Why can’t I quit you Matty Ryan?

Pick: Falcons (-2.5)

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Jets (-7)

Tennessee Titans @ Denver Donkeys (-1.5)

I am betting both the home teams. Feels like I am betting 0-2. #Yolo.

Pick: Jets (+7) Donkey’s (-1.5)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ San Diego Chargers (-6)

This game sucks, so instead of wasting my time pretending like I care what happens, here is an impromptu Twitter mailbag.

Ketchup on steak. WTF? Really, WTF?

Also, top 3 liquors of choice and why are none of them rum?

— Benjamin Ditlevson (@FFRabbitDad) October 13, 2019

Is Captain Morgan Rum? If so it makes my Top 3. My list actually goes: Vodka, Captain Morgan and Goldschlager.

(PS-Chup and well done steak is the only way to go through life my friends.)

Ok I have 3. Did the government hire Stanley Kubrick to fake the moon landing? Was Abe Lincoln president by day vampire slayer by night? And how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? https://t.co/qPsS1ktKw5

— JOE PEARSON (@Iowa_Joe86) October 13, 2019

Answers in order:

• Of course the moon landing was filmed in Hollywood. If you see it on TV then it is either fake, staged, rigged, scripted or all of the above. In this case; the government needed to keep the Flat Earth a secret so they hired Hollywood to fake a moon landing in order to keep the masses from knowing the truth. 
• Did Harry Stamper save the world from a giant asteroid? Is The Informer 14.5 beers deep at 8:30 in morning? Is Cocaine a hell of a drug? Does Tom Brady have six Super Bowl rings? Does The Informer put cottage cheese on his lasagna? Is Pussy Control Prince’s best song? Is The Informer losing an NFL Picks contest to a 9-year old prodigy? Does Ketchup belong on steak? Are you picking up my answer through all of these cryptic questions?
• Is it 14? I honestly don’t know.

Sure. Why did the dinosaurs die out?

— Bryan (@RedPlague55) October 13, 2019

The dinosaurs did not die, or go extinct. You know how I know? Because dinosaurs never really existed. They are a figment of Al Gore's imagination that Hollywood then used to make billions of dollars selling movies. Just like they did with Aliens, Predators, Sylvester Stallone and 1984 Delorean's with Lamborghini doors.

Why is Grown Ups in two of these surveys? Hedging are we, hmmm? 🤔

— John M Ward II (@JMW_InDaHouse) October 13, 2019

The answer to “why did you put the same movie into two different polls”, or "why did you spell 'insert any word' wrong in this tweet is simple: The Informer is an alcoholic.

What is a movie you don’t like that everyone else loves? And why?

— CapWize.com (@CapWize) October 13, 2019

The first Lord of the Rings (I have not seen the other two). I just did not like it so I skipped the next two.

Any thoughts on WWE Smackdowns recent move to FOX network? https://t.co/cB3Um9jZd1

— Kurtis Hoefling (@HoeflingKurtis) October 13, 2019

I find it interesting that Smackdown has now become the A show after USA treated the WWE so well over the past 26 years. With that said; I stopped watching wrestling full time because they diluted the product to the point that I now settle for reading recaps and listening to podcasts over actually watching. So definitely take my thoughts on this matter with a grain of 1980s WWF cocaine. 

And finally, I was asked by a private account (which means I can't use their tweet as proof) to name my favorite kid movies I have watched with my children. To answer this question, I decided to make a list to show me and my children's actual favorite movies to watch together. Then I made a second list to show actual kid cartoon movies that we enjoy.

Here is our actual Top 5:

• The New Power Rangers Movie
• The New Ghostbusters movie
• The Parent Trap
• 3 Ninjas
• The Original Ghostbusters movie

And here are our Top 5 kids (aka cartoon) movies:

• The Lego Movie
• Toy Story
• Frozen
• Moana
• The Lion King

Speaking of The Lion King: The San Diego Chargers are The Informer's Lion King Lock of the week. The reason for this bet is because I have no idea who in the bluest of blue Hells the Steelers QB is. So I’m definitely not betting on him to play well in his first NFL start, on the road, and in Primetime.

Pick: Lion King Lock of the Week Chargers (-6)

Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers (-4)

Everyone grab your "mid-evil times" religious flogging device and repeat after me:

I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I WILL NOT BET AGAINST AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME!!!!

Are we all on the same “I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime” page?

Good. Great. Grand.

Pick: Packers (-4)

That is it for this week’s blog. I truly hope your Week 6 is filled with winning bets, covering teasers and all of the Natty Lights your liver can filter.

See you next Sunday.

Informer out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 43-34-1

Last Week: 8-6-1

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 4-1