Here are The Informer's Week 9 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The National Informer League is strictly prohibited.
Oakland Dumpster Fires @ San Francisco 49ers (+1)
Pick: WOOF (-1)Give me Raiders -1 #TNF— The Informer (@therealinformer) November 1, 2018
Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings (-5.5)
Blogging really is a funny thing. You see two weeks ago The Informer went 14-1 against the spread (the single greatest gambling weekend of my life) and had a fairly normal views week. Then last week (a week in which I went 11-3 ATS) over 4/5 of my normal reading audience decided to not read The Informer.
Now obviously, with over 80% of my audience disappearing the week after I had the greatest week of my life, I had to ask the question: How and why did that happen?
The problem was I could not come up with any good answers. So that is when I decided to do what any normal adult male with five children and a full time job would do: I got Natty Light wasted until I eventually came up with two reasons why the people stopped reading this blog.
Here is what I came up with:
1 - Everyone who has ever been tricked into clicking on a link to this blog finally decided that they would rather be broke -- and not have the best NFL picks on the internet -- then read one more poorly written blog with lame ass joke about The Informer getting drunk and calling NFL teams trash.
Or . . .
2 - The rulers of the flat Earth -- aka Vegas -- saw that I am the Shane McMahon of NFL Handicapping (25-4 against the spread the past two weeks) and got so tired of losing money that they paid the internet to hide all links to my blog.
Now, call me crazy, but looking at the options I gotta say that I find it hard to believe anyone would voluntarily give up free money just because they don't like my jokes, or my lack of ability to properly use punctuation?
I mean giving up free money for any reason would be asinine, right?
Think about it this way: If someone said "Hey go to this Nickelback concert they are giving out millions of dollars to everyone who listens to all their songs in one night." Would you in turn say "No I hate Nickelback music so I will turn down the free money?"
The answer is hella no.
You would rock your face off listening to How You Remind Me and then spend your free money on Natty Light and hookers (for those not into booze and ladies of the night, maybe you would give some money to charity and then go to church). Either way, you would put your hate for Nickelback aside and go to the damn concert where they are handing out free money.
Just like everyone on the internet would put their hate for The Informer aside in order to get the best free NFL picks money can buy.
So, since option one is not really logical when you break it down, that means the only logical reason a 30 pack of Natty Light has more beers then my blog had views last week; was because Vegas and the internet are determined to keep you the people from seeing these picks and winning free money.
Now, I know what you are all thinking right now: "If Vegas and Sandra Bullock are teaming up to keep these picks from the people then there is literally nothing we can do to stop them."
To that I say "not so fast my friends."
You see, no matter how hard they try, Vegas can't control us if we all work together. Which is why this week after you get done reading -- and making your bets -- please make sure to share the link to this article on Twitter, Facebook, Medium, Pornhub, Linkedin, SnapFace, InstaCocaine and where ever else kids are hanging out at these days.
In the end, if we all do our part we can conquer the evil Vegas empire. And best of all, once we take them down, we will be filthy rich from illegal gambling winnings.
#SpreadTheWord
Pick: Lions (+5.5)
Kansas City Chiefs @ Cleveland Browns (+8)
85% of the people are betting the Kansas City Chiefs on the road a week after they defeated one of their biggest rivals. That means if you want to follow the gambling rules the only bet you can make this week is on the Browns (+8).
Me personally; I am not going to follow the gambling logic. Not because I am some kind of gambling rebel who does things his own way, no the reason I am not following the rules is because after 15 Natty Lights I still couldn't find the courage to type the word "Browns".
Pick: Chiefs (-8)
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens (-3)
Baltimore already beat the Steelers once this season, which means it is the Steelers turn to beat the Ravens. That is how the NFL writers say this rivalry works. And since it is the Steelers turn to win, I have no other choice but to grab the points and bet the road team.
Pick: Steelers (+3)
Tampa Bay @ Carolina Panthers (-6)
The Panthers are 4-0 overall and 3-1 ATS at home this season. Tampa Bay on the other hand is 1-3 on the road. In other words; I am using some really advanced metric stats the laymen people would not understand to make this pick.
Pick: Panthers (-6)
New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins (-2.5)
There are a 10 things I know to be 100 percent true facts about this life. 1) Dinosaurs are not real. 2) Al Gore created the internet. 3) The Earth is flat. 4) Natty Light. 5) Blimpies is the only sandwich store that matters. 6) Moss is boss. 7) Tom Brady is Goat. 8) Aaron Rodgers is not goat. 9) ESPN should bring Chris Berman and Tom Jackson back to do NFL Primetime 10) There is no way on Tim Tebow's Green Earth I will watch one single second of this abortion the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game.
And since there is no reason to waste anymore time thinking about the Jets-Dolphins, how about we hand out this week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week . . .
Pick: Dolphins (-2.5)
Atlanta Falcons @ Washington (-2)
I think the Atlanta Falcons are the better team. I think the Falcons are going to win this game out right. I think I am going to make the Falcons my Lion King Lock of the Week. And I think if you or anyone you know has a problem with that then I got five words for ya: "I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!!!"
Pick: Falcons (+2) Lion King Lock of the Week
Chicago Bears @ Buffalo Bills (+10)
Nathan Peterman is starting quarterback for the Buffalo Bills.
Please re-read that last sentence again before gambling today.
Pick: Bears (-10)
Houston Texans @ Denver Broncos (-1)
Los Angeles Chargers @ Seattle HGHawks (+1)
Los Angeles Rams @ New Orleans Saints (-1.5)
My three favorite types of dogs in this world are: 1) Hot dogs smothered in ketchup. 2) Road dogs who are also the better team. 3) Home dogs who play in Seattle.
And I guess, since I am all out of ketchup, it looks like the only dogs I have left to love this week are the two road dogs (Texans & Rams) who are the better team and the one home dog who plays in Seattle.
Pick: Rams (+1.5) HGHawks (+1) Texans (+1)
Green Bay Rodgers @ New England Patriots (-6)
I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Bet the first half over . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Follow The Informer on Twitter . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Julio Jones still has not caught a TD pass . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Am I really going to bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime? . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I put ketchup on my steak today . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Is anyone still reading this? . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime!!!
Anyways, just so my intentions are crystal clear Pepsi, I am not going to bet against Tom Brady in Primetime.
Pick: Patriots (-6)
Tennessee Titans @ Dallas Cowboys (-+6.5)
When you have two mediocre teams playing against each other you must always take the points. These are the rules set forth during the 1928 Geneva Gambling convention. Therefore, since the Cowboys & Titans are both mediocre, I have no choice but to grab the points and hope the Tennessee Titans miss another two point conversion with no time remaining to cover.
Pick: Titans (+6.5)
No comments:
Post a Comment